Monday, December 28, 2009

Moving forward?

I am trying to move forward as a new decade comes into being, a new decade in which I will turn 40 and I don't wish to continually be plagued with the sufferings of the past. So, it is my hope that I will be reunited with my children in the coming year, that I will be able to find peace with myself, and that I can find the freedom I so desperately need. Freedom from what you might ask?

One of the first reactions I got when I said I wanted to convert was, "You know you will have to give up your family" My reply to this was, "Thank God where do I sign" the Frumie who said this to me I guarantee you this did NOT expect that answer!

I have been trying to find freedom from the bondage I have been in to the events of 2007, and I thought I could do it by asking for explanations. I have had people give me a hard time regarding my lack of relationship with my mother, however I asked my mother for an apology and have yet to get one. Now I ask for an explanation and I get "Rebecca, out of my deep and abiding love for you, I do not answer Love, Mom" Needless to say this is vindication to me that I was never part of my birth family, and I seek freedom from these people and their bullshit.

Partly what attracts me to Judaism is that I have very little prior connection to it, so it is a place I have the freedom to invent myself and be myself without fear of the past coming back to haunt me. It gives me the chance to connect with my past in positive ways for my future and to shed the aspects of myself that aren't really mine. In a sense it gives me back my humanity and dignity with the way life is held so high, and humanity and dignity. Where else do you find it written that our mission is to repair the world, or if you save a life you save the world and if you destroy a life you destroy the world? No other sacred texts say things like this. I find this to be very beautiful and I only hope that my addition to the nation someday will honor it and allow this mission to have a great ability to do this.

My goals for the next decade are the following, and in no particular order.

I want to live a happy life free of the burdens from the past and the demons that now haunt me.
I want to expand my family both by being reunited with my children that I miss terribly and that I know miss me, but also by adding children to my family.
I want to go to graduate school and find degrees that compliment my background and experience, while allowing me to pursue my ultimate goal of becoming a professor.
I would like to become a professor this decade.
I would like to have my new family formed and around me, and to not have any interactions with former family members that betrayed my children and myself.
I want to finalize my conversion to Judaism this decade.
I want to publish my book about my divorce.
Last, but not least I want the American dream of a house and dogs, with my husband and to continue to nurture and enrich our relationship. He's so perfect it scares me sometimes.

I have been so blessed to be embraced by this community and by some members of my former community that value me. I want to resolve my identity issues and the other issues I have now because of the damage done to my soul, and if possible I want to heal my soul. I want healing for my children as well of course, but I can't heal their wounds no matter how hard I try.

I am working on revising my book and I may or may not post excerpts in the future for feedback. I am afraid to open my life up again.

Shalom from Brooklyn....M-I



Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Fall

I find it hard to believe winter is on the way again, much closer than we think it is really. Oddly enough I have chosen this time to recreate myself, and am praying fervently for success. I feel like a complete failure as I sit here writing this post, after all it is an obscene hour here and I should be sleeping. I had a great job interview last week for a day job that I could do while working on getmearealjob.com and my own Mary Kay business. However, as is the story of my professional life, due to budget cuts the position can no longer be filled.

There are additional problems to be addressed of course, there always are and I am so very tired. I want some normalcy, I know that is asking for too much but I really want to live a quiet life where I can feel safe and know that there will be enough money to survive, I don't have to be extravagant, but I would like to have my kids back, and a house, and a dog or maybe 2 dogs they seem to be like children in that they do much better with another being of their own kind.

I don't know what to do with these challenges as nothing seems to curb my anxiety. Sometimes I feel as if I will die if the anxiety doesn't disipate, and sometimes I feel as if I am already dead and gone. I feel 900 years old most days....life is good don't get me wrong, but I don't understand why everything must be so challenging.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Wow, has it really been 2 months since I last posted? I guess I rarely have anything to say anymore. I want to file a lawsuit but am having trouble getting a lawyer to take the case. It's just a crazy time I guess.

Well since the last post here I have gotten married and fall is upon us. Fall is a time of year I have always despised. It is great because of the colors etc, however I hate it because of the fact that it leads to winter and the reminders of winter are all around us. I moved here hoping that things would be very different than they are, although they are decent and I can't complain too much there are areas where it is just not up to snuff. I am trying to fix that of course, but who knows. Additionally, I am looking at going back to school.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I can't believe it has been so long since my last post. So much has happened since that last post! For those of you that are wondering what happened at the airport he did in fact show up, despite my complete terror that he would not show up at all. I had convinced myself that he wasn't going to show up and I was trying to figure out how I would explain to my friends why he didn't show up. That's because of the history we share of course. Anyway, he came in for the weekend and decided he couldn't leave me and we are getting married.

This brings me to the next part of my post and the primary reason that I have for posting. We met on Tuesday with our conversion tutor for the first time. Hopefully she'll be able to work with us, she was very nice and really appreciated where we were coming from, and she and I hit it off a lot which is fantastic because so few women seem to hit it off with me in my life.

We weren't exactly sure what to expect but it was a really great visit, and things seem to be moving along nicely on the topic, although we still have a lot of questions about what we want to do that will need to be answered in time, it is so early that it is difficult for things to be worked out.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Reunion

In a few hours I will be going to the airport to pick up the greatest love I have ever known. This is a reunion that has been 10 years in the making at least, I think maybe even more than that and I find myself strangely calm and also strangely terrified. I told him that his being a non-Jew will seriously fuck up the plans I am making for my own life if we decide to have a relationship, so he said he would be willing to convert and started reading about all kinds of Jewish topics. I was really surprised by that, but then again he says I am the love of his life and he came back from the desert just for me.


Saturday, May 23, 2009

Conversion

Last night I had an awful conversation with a former? friend of mine....about my decision to convert. I called my friend, we'll call him M out of respect for his privacy. I told him I was calling to check and see if he was OK because apparently his phone had been off as had been reported to me by some people. He proceeded to tell me he will pray for my soul, I am going to Hell, I am denying Jesus, and a bunch of other crap. We ended up in an argument, and things will be rocky I can see from here on out.

I first heard the word conversion in 1995. I had always felt Jewish, but I had no idea that one could become a Jew even though one wasn't born a Jew until 1995, and the idea was interesting to say the least although at the time I felt fine the way I was. I wanted to make sure that I wanted to be in a religion for the right reasons.

Now that I have made these decisions I would really appreciate it if people who know nothing about either my former or hopefully soon new religion will back off.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Things I wish people would say to me when they discover I am converting. Sometimes people do say these things to me, and sometimes they say even nicer things to me. This list goes with the rude comments list, and I have debated expanding it, but I have since decided that 18 being the number of life I'd either need to add another 18 or I'd risk ruining the karma of it. So at this point I am going to leave it alone. By far my favorite is when I am told someone thought I was Jewish already, it makes my entire day...or when I get told I sound like a true Jew. My friend apparently has another suggestion as to a rabbi I can work with so we'll see what happens.

1. You'll be a wonderful asset to our community, I thought you were Jewish already.
2. Isn't it nice that you have the freedom to choose who you want to be?
3. How nice that you find Judaism so comforting and our beliefs so compatible with your spiritual path.
4. Do you have any questions that I can answer for you?
5. It would be my pleasure to help you in your transition in any way I can.
6. Welcome to the neighborhood it's nice you feel included here, let us know if there's anything we can do.
7. You'll have to come over sometime, you know it is forbidden to insult/embarrass a convert, and commanded to love them.
8. Everyone knows converts don't have family, we'd be honored to have you as part of ours for now.
9. I'm glad to see that you have had such a positive experience with the Chassidic community and other communities.
10. You should read some about (these issues and people) I think you'd really enjoy it.
11. Your great-grandmother must be so proud that you decided to return to Judaism (ok she's also long since dead, but still this would be so nice).
12. What can I do to help you build your Jewish family and community?
13. I know some really great kosher stores/restaurants.
14. There's (insert an event here) you might be interested in, it is commemorating this (observance explanation) and there will be lots of people there for you to meet.
15. It's wonderful that you feel Orthodoxy is where your heart is.
16. My name is....it's very nice to meet you.
17. Thank you for answering my rude and annoying questions. I don't mean to be intrusive I am just curious.
18. Would you mind discussing your story with me?

I am stopping at 18 because 18 is the number of life, but I could go on and on.
OK, I am making an attempt to condense this series of commentaries into a smaller group, because there are other topics I want to talk about, like the funk I am in right now. So here is my attempt at pairing this down. It may take another post, I am not sure.

9. What motivated you to want to convert?

This sort of goes along with the why do you want to convert and as such isn't rude by itself. Usually when I find this rude it has to do with the context that it has been brought up in. I also get sick and tired of discussing my motivations. I don't feel that I should have to explain my story over and over and over again. I mean I can understand why it is interesting to someone, but at the same time it tends to annoy me.

10. What are the best fast food restaurants?

This annoys me because there is so much more to life than fast food restaurants.

11. What does pork taste like?

How does one really explain this to anyone? I mean pork tastes like pork, and frankly I think it tastes disgusting...ask my better half I have never been a fan of pork.

12. What do you mean you DON'T want to get married?

Wow, why does my life need to be approved by other people? This question is always rude to me, I don't feel the need to get married again, and in fact in Judaism it is the men that are required to get married and have babies, and the women do them a favor by facilitating this. Since I can't have babies what is the point really in my getting married? I know that in this society there are hardly any single women, but really give me a break.

13. You know that you will never be a REAL Jew right?

I am not sure anyone knows what a REAL Jew is...this seems to be the million dollar question!

14. No one will ever accept you, so just be aware you will never be a real member of the community.

I know my friend that said this to me was just trying to warn me, but it strikes me as strange that I wouldn't ever be accepted. No one seems to think I am anything but Jewish.

15. Why are you even asking that question no one knows the answer and no one cares.

I think people should know the answers to my questions and should care. When I ask questions that are thought provoking, there's only few people I ask questions to because most of the time that I ask questions I get told that these things aren't of importance, but you see they are of importance.

16. Why did you grandfather marry out, what does he think about you converting? (he died in 1991 I doubt he thinks anything, and he wouldn't approve anyway).

All these family questions become rude after a while. I mean why should I live my life based on what other people say/think?

17. What does your family say about this?

See above.

18. What will Jesus say about this? (Welcome home my child, after all he was an Orthodox Jew and it's just one Jew to another right?)

This is rude on so many levels it is comical to me to even think about...and I've said all I can say about it in the parentheses next to it. I mean, what difference does it really make? What would Jesus say about what His church did to me anyway? Someone explain that one!

19. I am not ready for you to make this change.

I never know how to take this one. Why should I worry about someone being ready for me to make a change or not? I mean I need to make good decisions for me, not for someone else.

20. Why would you want to be Jewish we are one of the most hated people in the world?

Maybe this is exactly why I want to become Jewish? Because of 20 and 21...Maybe it is because of the history of the Jewish people that I feel I fit in with, or maybe it is because I find refuge in realizing I am not the only one to have been abused by society? Who better to understand persecution and suffering than the Jewish people....being the most hated is sometimes a good thing.

21. You do realize people are always trying to kill or otherwise persecute the Jews right?

This is rude because it annoys me. Throughout history lots of people have been persecuted and killed for lots of different tribal affiliations, or religious reasons. I find this sort of chafes me a little bit, but I say see above.

22. You're pronouncing everything wrong and going about this all wrong!

This is particularly rude to me when it is said by a non-Jew, at least a Jew I don't mind the correction from. I do hate being told I am going about things the wrong way.

23. You were attending a Chassidic synagogue why?

23 and 24 go together in my rude comments because they are both about Chassids. I hate being challenged about the fact that I was going to a Chassidic synagogue. I needed a place to be, I needed the freedom to be me, and I needed a new family and I found that in the Chassidic community, so what is the big deal? Why is it such a problem that I went to a Chassidic synagogue? They're not freaks or anything, in fact they are very loving people, in my case anyway.

24. Don't you know the Chassids are mean and nasty people?

This comment is evidently made by people that didn't meet the Chassids I have met. I don't understand this comment, but I find it rude because it is insulting to my new family that I forged for myself, and it is patently false in my own experience.

25. Why don't you move to a community that has more converts you'd have more friends and feel more at home there.

These two, 25 and 26 are rude because it is other people making decisions about where I'd feel comfortable and at home. I feel that I am the only one who can make that determination for myself.

26. You want to become Orthodox, I think you'd be more comfortable as Reform or Conservative like I am. (interesting how would someone else be qualified to make that judgment).

See above.

27. You go to Sephardi services, you realize they beat their wives every day and they don't accept converts or even Jews that aren't Sephardi right?

I don't think it is nice to make these kinds of comments about a group in general. Even if they don't accept converts they have a beautiful service and were friendlier to me than the Ashkenazim here.

28. What does your father think about this, I mean he is a pastor isn't he upset?

See # 16.

29. How does your mother feel about you converting?

See #16.

30. Are you related to so-n-so? (No, I have no idea who those people are stop asking me, by the way are you related to....the bingo playing must stop..no Dutch bingo and no Jewish Bingo thank you...this is a BINGO free zone).

I hate game playing, what is the need to relate everyone to someone else?

31. I know the perfect guy for you....

Let me guess he'll beat me every day or worse?

32. Does your future second husband wear a black hat and peyos?

I didn't think there was a second husband coming in the horizon.

33. You know your husband will only have sex with you through a hole in the sheet.

Evidently people think I will be marrying a Satmar, I hear they use a hole in the sheet but evidently no one else does.

34. What do you mean you won't touch your husband in public and he won't touch you?

Since I don't menstruate anymore, I am not sure how this work...but non-Jews seem to not understand the lack of touching.

35. You mean you won't hug your father, brother, cousins, uncles etc?

Yes, I hate being touched, and I don't want people in my personal space.

36. What do you mean you won't be eating in my house anymore?

This is said by non-Jews who don't understand. It makes me feel bad because it makes me feel like I am making them feel bad.

37. You know if you can't eat in my house there will be no point in having you over.

Why not just let me bring my own food...or food for all of us? What a strange concept that there's no point in having me over :(

38. You know my rabbi told me such and such, so you will have to do all these things too.

Ask for an opinion you'll get at least 5. Just because there was one standard doesn't mean there is always a standard.

39. You know you will have to cover your hair if you become Orthodox.

First of all this makes me laugh because this is said as if all Orthodox women cover their hair, and only married women do this and even then not all married women do because it is not a cut and dry issue. I am never sure what someone means by saying this. It seems to me to be patently ridiculous.

40. I think you should reconsider my experience and use it more as a guide for what yours will be. (Right because we are all robots)

Judaism is like a chocolate cake, every layer is deeper and better. I said this to my rabbi in Michigan once and he loved it. I find it kind of amusing that someone would think that their experience could guide me. Is it true that everyone looks at Judaism the way I do? I am like a big kid. If that's the case than sure bring on your experience, if not leave it at the door!

41. You know Judaism doesn't encourage converts.

This seems to imply that I don't know how to do research.

42. Well I think that is a dangerous statement, but coming from you it is probably true.

This is from the same rabbi who asked me all about my praying and Abraham. I personally think saying anything is a dangerous statement unless it IS a dangerous statement is ridiculous. My claiming my heritage is not dangerous to anyone, last time I checked.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

5. How can you stand being with people that think women are inferior?

This is rude on so many levels I can't even begin to make an accurate commentary. First of all it is rude because it assumes that ALL Orthodox Jews believe women are inferior. Whereas I am willing to agree that SOME do believe that women are inferior, certainly not all do. In fact, SOME non-Jewish people also believe women to be inferior.

Second it is rude because it is clearly an indication that someone lacks an understanding of Orthodox tradition and wants to project their own opinion onto the situation. I am a big proponent of learning about a cultural tradition and then examining it within context. This doesn't apply to things that are really dangerous to people. However, things like why women and men pray separately are rather innocuous issues that can be examined from within right? At least take the time to find out what the background is instead of making a generalized statement about the background etc.

Thirdly it is rude because it assumes that I don't know what I am doing. Frankly I believe men and women are equal but different. I am not a man, some things men do better than me, some things I do better than men. They're just different. I don't want to be a man and I don't think a man wants to be me either.

Additionally, I just find it rude to throw things out there like women being inferior, what are they supposed to be superior? Does pure equality actually exist? Even in Judaism there isn't real equality in fact women are spiritually HIGHER than men in Judaism.....but right women are inferior...strange idea this is.

6. How do you deal with not being a descendant of Abraham yet when you say OUR prayers?

This is also SO rude I can't begin to comment about it. I find it interesting that Jews, Christians, and Muslims all claim their ancestor is Abraham, but somehow I am not a descendant and not allowed to claim to be, and not allowed to share in the prayers, and not allowed to....again strange idea obviously born out of ignorance, too bad it was a rabbi that first said it to me.

7. Are you comfortable with the OUR G-D language, how do you deal with it being OUR G-D?

Same rabbi, can someone tell me when Jews, Christians, and Muslims decided to worship different gods? I was raised that there is one true God, and it was the same God mentioned in the OT. Strange idea that this man has isn't it, that it would be a different God....hence I am using the word with all the letters in it for this commentary.

8. What makes you so sure this is a good decision for you?

This is rude because it implies that my judgment is so poor I am unable to make good decisions for me, but also because it implies that it is a decision. Alas my better half put it the other day "You were always a Jew...." this is a true and accurate statement and it captures the issue as it is. This isn't a decision, I even object to the whole Jewish by Choice phrase. It's not a choice. It is what my soul requires of me.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

1. Are you going to convert your children with you? (they don't even live with me so how is this an issue)

This is one of those questions that isn't rude on the face, but is rude depending on the context. The reality is you can't force someone else to convert, even a child. If my children do end up living with me at some point I will expect them to respect my new way of life and to be exposed to it, but whether to convert or not I will expect them to make their own decisions about that when they are old enough to understand it.

2. You do know there are beliefs associated with Judaism?

Again, this is another question that isn't rude on its face, but is rude depending on the context. This is a question that annoys me, because it seems to me that it is obvious that there are beliefs associated with Judaism. After all Judaism is a religion, and supposedly the ancestor to my former religion of Christianity. Thus it would make sense that there are beliefs associated with Judaism.

3. Can I eat in your house still?

This is a question I get asked by non-Jews quite often and it has a sister question that comes later in the list. I think that it is a rude question because it implies that I would suddenly only socialize with Jewish people. Whereas my preference is to socialize with Jews, I am not going to leave my non-Jewish friends out in the cold so to speak. I fully expect them to come to my house and eat for example.

4. Will you still be able to go the movies?

I am becoming Jewish not Amish. This whole idea that I would stop going to movies is a bit ridiculous. Jewish people not only star in movies, but they do attend movies as well. I am not giving up modern life, I am just changing the life I am leading.


Stay tuned for other commentaries on the rude comments that have been made to me and my wish list so to speak. It is highly likely that in my book there will be more detailed comments about these things, as I am using this time to get my grounding so to speak.


Friday, May 8, 2009

Update

First of all I am happy to report that I have come up with a title for the book detailing the story of my conversion, and I am eagerly awaiting the call from the rabbi telling me he has someone for me to study with. Hopefully this will happen in the near future.

Secondly, I have decided that as part of my book I would like to address the comments in the previous post and then have my own commentary, more detailed etc. about those statements. I plan to give each comment it's own post in order to get my clear head around the topic. To this end I have also gotten other questions, not rude questions mind you, but just other questions that I will be addressing here as well with the full purpose of including them in my book. Most likely I will give them titles that then relate to the book, unlike my first post about the book called notes for the future because I wanted to remember these things. Also I will include a list of things I wish people would say, I actually wrote one but I might change it up a bit when I am done fleshing out my comments about the rude things people say.

I think my book should include a lot about the experiences I have, the people I meet, the questions I am asked, and also a bit about the things that I think about. In addition of course to the motivational factors and the biographical ones that will be included by necessity. Some of these things are inspired by other things I have read, and by this I mean books that I have read. I will include those here as well. I am not looking to make a huge treatise out of my book but the more material I have the more I can work with.

On the topic of my already written book regarding the unfortunate events of the last few years, I have secured an editor now I just need to secure funding resources. This is temporarily on the back burner as I am trying to secure a few other things in my life right now.

So there you have my blog preview. I don't know how many days or how many posts a day or whatever it will take, but it'll work out very nicely.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Rude Comments

I am putting this post here for inclusion in my future book on conversion. I have previously done posts that I am doing with the sole purpose of inclusion in such a book, and I will continue to do so in the future. Comments are welcome though if anyone sees fit.

1. Are you going to convert your children with you? (they don't even live with me so how is this an issue)
2. You do know there are beliefs associated with Judaism?
3. Can I eat in your house still?
4. Will you still be able to go the movies?
5. How can you stand being with people that think women are inferior?
6. How do you deal with not being a descendant of Abraham yet when you say OUR prayers?
7. Are you comfortable with the OUR G-D language, how do you deal with it being OUR G-D?
8. What makes you so sure this is a good decision for you?
9. What motivated you to want to convert?
10. What are the best fast food restaurants?
11. What does pork taste like?
12. What do you mean you DON'T want to get married?
13. You know that you will never be a REAL Jew right?
14. No one will ever accept you, so just be aware you will never be a real member of the community.
15. Why are you even asking that question no one knows the answer and no one cares.
16. Why did you grandfather marry out, what does he think about you converting? (he died in 1991 I doubt he thinks anything, and he wouldn't approve anyway).
17. What does your family say about this?
18. What will Jesus say about this? (Welcome home my child, after all he was an Orthodox Jew and it's just one Jew to another right?)
19. I am not ready for you to make this change.
20. Why would you want to be Jewish we are one of the most hated people in the world?
21. You do realize people are always trying to kill or otherwise persecute the Jews right?
22. You're pronouncing everything wrong and going about this all wrong!
23. You were attending a Chassidic synagogue why?
24. Don't you know the Chassids are mean and nasty people?
25. Why don't you move to a community that has more converts you'd have more friends and feel more at home there.
26. You want to become Orthodox, I think you'd be more comfortable as Reform or Conservative like I am. (interesting how would someone else be qualified to make that judgment).
27. You go to Sephardi services, you realize they beat their wives every day and they don't accept converts or even Jews that aren't Sephardi right?
28. What does your father think about this, I mean he is a pastor isn't he upset?
29. How does your mother feel about you converting?
30. Are you related to so-n-so? (No, I have no idea who those people are stop asking me, by the way are you related to....the bingo playing must stop..no Dutch bingo and no Jewish Bingo thank you...this is a BINGO free zone).
31. I know the perfect guy for you....
32. Does your future second husband wear a black hat and peyos?
33. You know your husband will only have sex with you through a hole in the sheet.
34. What do you mean you won't touch your husband in public and he won't touch you?
35. You mean you won't hug your father, brother, cousins, uncles etc?
36. What do you mean you won't be eating in my house anymore?
37. You know if you can't eat in my house there will be no point in having you over.
38. You know my rabbi told me such and such, so you will have to do all these things too.
39. You know you will have to cover your hair if you become Orthodox.
40. I think you should reconsider my experience and use it more as a guide for what yours will be. (Right because we are all robots)
41. You know Judaism doesn't encourage converts.
42. Well I think that is a dangerous statement, but coming from you it is probably true.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

A day in the life

I'm contemplating a typical day in my life so that I can have something to say on the topic. I am also thinking about what kind of political topics to cover, as there are so many things that can be addressed just in this week's news alone. I want so many things to be different in my life, and yet so many things are really great right now. I don't know what to write about, but I will try and start writing again soon.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Southland Tales By Request

If you plan to see the movie but you haven't yet for some reason or another, be sure to read no further into this post. If you've seen it, or don't plan to see it then you can feel free to read these words.

A long time ago now, my dear friend called me and asked me about the movie Southland Tales. I was unable to get a copy of it at the time and it wasn't playing in any of the theaters near me, so I promised that if I were able to watch it in the future I would. A few days ago I noticed that it was on one of the on demand channels I get with my cable, and so I asked if my opinion was still requested. It was, and this brings me to this post.

First of all, this movie is important to you my friend because it is like a political nightmare! It was suggested that we are every character in our dreams, and on some level you are every character in this movie, and I will try to explain that a little more. Also, this movie deals with political conflicts and what happens when one side gets too much power. This is also something you have been fascinated with for quite some time.

In addition to the character themes that I will address, there is also that this movie has a lot to do with human relationships. I can't speak to your relationship with all humans, I can only speak to my insight from my relationship with you and from what you have told me about your relationships with others.

All the people in this movie are broken and in broken relationships with each other. When I met you in 1996 I was rather broken, and perhaps you were too. I am not ready to say our relationship was broken, but maybe it was. This is something you've always felt passionately about, you want to have healthy relationships with people. Before you were diagnosed you didn't know how to do that, and I think you are still learning.

Another aspect of this movie is the need for forgiveness of oneself and others. The one character, Roland actually says to himself I forgive you. That's a very moving moment, and I am sure for you it was amazing because you are unable to forgive yourself. Do you remember what you said to me when I came to L.A.? You take on guilt even for things that have nothing to do with you. You need to learn to forgive yourself and move forward. Everyone goes through difficult times in life, what makes or breaks a person is what one does in response to those times. You have always risen above those challenges. It is important that you continue to rise above things, but you will rise higher if you can forgive yourself for whatever sins you feel you have committed, and even way back to your childhood.

The individual characters in this movie are all struggling to cope with the brokenness that they have created in society and that society has created for them. This movie is about a war for the soul of the country and for the individual. It is a recognition of what happens if things are done to one extreme and without thought for the consequences. Boxer has problems because of this, although he tries to overcome it. Roland is the same way, Madeline and Kristin or whatever her name was area also that way. Frost is a power hungry maniac and his wife isn't much better. The neomarxists are really wacko. No one wants to work with each other or do something useful for the country it is all about causing problems and bringing people down into the brokenness with them.

You strive to go through your broken times alone, but you need people to come into that brokenness to bring you back up. You do your best to shut out the world, whereas these people do their best to spread their brokenness wherever they can. You do your best to keep the world from bringing you down, and they do their best to bring down the world, even in their own different ways.

It is a cautionary tale, and of course you love those, but these characters are all distraught as you have been, and maybe still are. You have a lot of healing left to do and I pray every night that someday you will complete the healing that you need. You were rocked to the core the last several years and I am sorry that I haven't been able to do more for you.

This movie was also weird, it was like a train wreck in a lot of ways. I couldn't look away but it was so bizarre. I think this is another reason it is so powerful to you, you feel that way about yourself. You feel that your life is a train wreck but you can't look away. You feel a lot of things about your life that I will never understand nor agree with, but they are your feelings and as such I will cherish them.

Southland Tales is a movie that you can relate to because it is almost as if your head was used as the inspiration. These are scenarios you think about, characters you could have written out of your own life, and just enough Dr. Who themes to satisfy the junkie that I know is in you.

I hope this helps, this is a little more simplistic than I had envisioned my post on this topic would be, but I am a little bit tired and I can't clearly concentrate on this at present. Please call me or something if you have additional questions and I will try to expound upon it.

Til then, I love you always. Watch the video.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sleepless in Brooklyn

So here it is 347am and I am awake and blogging. How strange really. I will conclude my post with a video that I hope will entertain the rest of you as much as it entertains me. My favorite holiday starts tonight and it has given me a lot of things to think about. First of all, if you don't already know my favorite holiday is Passover, and if you need an explanation of it Chabad has a fantastic explanation of everything really.

A friend of mine once told me that the reason it is called Mitzrayim is because Egypt was oppressive in more than one way. I have touched on this a few times in previous posts, but that is only because I find it to be very profound. Especially the last couple of Passovers. I have been trying to leave Mitzrayim only to have it continually find me.

I began celebrating (Yes, celebrating) Passover when I was a child and I was invited to seders by Jewish friends. I was always amazed at the beauty of this story and at the holiday's rituals. I was exhausted of course because the seders lasted until about this time of morning that I am writing at, and it was a lot to sit through as a child. I never dreamed I'd be able to take on these traditions for myself. I had no idea there was such a thing as a convert then. I was also unaware of my oppression as a child. That awakening happened much later in my life.

The first inclining I had of my own oppression came with the pressure to have a confirmation. I really didn't want to have one, but I understood the importance of doing this and I knew there'd be no way out. For a while I was the only child in my family to go to church, now I am the only one NOT to go to church. Course there are only two of us, so that's no big deal.

My oppression came full circle onto my head during my divorce and the years leading up to it. Now I am plagued with having to deal with my ex-husband, but that thankfully has been resolved, and with dealings with my family. I think that this has a few layers of oppression because people seem to misunderstand that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I can forgive, but I don't want to go back into the oppressive roles that were once present. I want to live life as a free person. I recognize that I will most likely never be able to do that with these people in my life given everything that they put me through.

I love Passover even though it is family oriented because I love the way G-d is portrayed in the story. G-d is really an awesome figure in the story, and so is Moses by the way. It is a beautiful story about how G-d uses people and releases us from oppression, and how we can live free lives despite all the oppression we've been through. However, the holiday lets me down a little bit by not discussing how peace is made with these things. Peace seems to be noticeably absent from the accounts of the Exodus. People are grumpy and the like, even wind up with a golden calf because people can't wait for G-d to work.

In a lot of ways, I feel I have lived this story the last few years. Even the wandering in the desert happened for me, and sometimes continues to happen to me. As I look at my life I can see where most of the oppression has left me and I have begun to fill it with other things, but then I notice that I have a lot more left to do. Freedom really does come at a high cost.

I want things that I know I will never be able to have. I want people in my life that will never be there. I want things to be so different than they are. At the same time I am the happiest I have ever been and the most free, and I know that my best friend in the entire universe loves me as much as I love him, even if he doesn't know how much I love him, want him, and need him to be healthy.

My best friend taught me some things about myself over the last 14 years. I have been using those lessons to recover from my own exodus and I want to share a few of those things here. I miss him a lot, I wish he had some way to advise me on some other things and I miss his scent and the sound of his voice, but what's done is done. What I miss the most is his embrace and his kiss...but enough on with my list and then some videos.

My Best Friend Taught Me About Me (and this is a partial list):

I don't need anyone other than myself, and I am stronger than I think. He taught me this when I met him and I was in a terrible state of being. Back during the 1996 election cycle. I was having a horrible time with some things and people and he told me that all I needed to do was to stand my ground, and he was right. I have carried that with me all these years and even though I still feel that I do need him (sometimes) I know that this is true. I am who I am because of who we are together, but I am who I am because of my ability to manage things without anyone. I am able to withstand way more than I ever thought I would be able to, in part because of my own internal workings, but also because I always knew if push came to shove he'd calm me down.

There are things that others see in us that are true, valid, and that we might not see in ourselves. This comes from the argument we had where he walked away from me, or maybe I walked away from him, I don't remember anymore. I've always considered him family, and although he won't accept this as a valid statement in his life it is true. Others can sometimes see things better because they aren't knee deep in the strife. I will always be grateful to him for the way he sees me.

Everyone needs someone to hold them when they cry. This is something I am always reluctant to do and to admit, but he has demonstrated this to me time and time again in the years that I've known him. Even if the majority of the time it has been someone else doing the holding I know that he always knows when I am crying.

No matter how bad it gets we can always ride the tide into the shore. This is an important lesson that perhaps he now sees in himself because all of these I think apply to him as well. No matter how bad it gets and no matter how much I thought I wouldn't make it I was still able to pull through. It wasn't always an easy task, but I was totally able to do it. This is true for lots of people I suppose.

People will back you up no matter what. This is something that was hard for me to learn from him, but I was finally able to do it. It is because of the people around me that I was able to leave most of the oppressions behind and it is because of them that I will be able to leave them all behind eventually.

I'm supposing that things have gone south, but my heart will never change and he will never be replaced. He has an irreplaceable role in my life even if I am easily replaced in his.

Having done all of that...here are some videos for entertainment. I hope he will read the post and know which one is dedicated specifically to him...whatever you're doing remember I love you.

Joey


Gives you Hell


Everything


Hot-N-Cold


Mr. Brightside


I write Sins Not Tragedies



What Hurts the Most


I'll do some more and different videos in the future.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Anger

If any of you read my blog out there, I would like some advice. Anger is a secondary emotion of course and I understand that. I am trying to find a way to get the anger and the pain to go away. I have been unable to find a way to do this...so I am asking all of you to give me your advice, how do I get over these things that were done? The betrayal by those that are supposed to be safe people?

Friday, March 20, 2009

So I met with the rabbi on Thursday, at the suggestion of another rabbi I know. In fact I should be sleeping now, so I can get up in the morning and get over to their service, but that's another story entirely. The rabbi asked me when I became interested in Judaism. This hit me with a sour taste because it suggested in my mind some kind of Jewish epiphany. Then he asked me why I wanted to convert, this was less of an irritation and I said what I always say that I feel like I want to be in spiritual sync with myself and that I want to be true to who I am and find G-d. It came out in some really weird ways, but he still got the idea.

I went home with the knowledge that we'd be in touch soon, and I went and read the principles of faith. I didn't have a problem with them, in fact they mostly articulate points of view that I have also articulated from time to time over most of my life. It seems like a natural state of being to me, these principles etc.

He is looking into what the best way to proceed is and will get back to me. He appreciated the questions I had asked about the principles of faith. I didn't ask that many questions, just a couple questions for clarification mostly.

Things are moving along nicely, I don't know if anyone reads this but I'll use this as my journal I suppose so I can reflect back on these things when I go to write my book. Wow, just think I am kind of doing my own passover....

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Spring is coming....

Spring has always been one of my favorite seasons. I can't believe that it has been almost two months since my last post. There has been so much happening, and good things at that. It seems so unreal to me on so many levels. When I say this I mean life seems so unreal to me on so many levels. Allow me to explain a little bit, and if anyone out there still reads my blog then I am sure it'll make sense. I have no understanding of who out there reads my blog anymore since I went into hiding and then sort of dropped off the earth entirely.

So, here are some updates on what is going on. I have as previously posted moved into my new apartment. I love my apartment, and I love my new life. It's amazing to me how far I have come, and yet how much further I have to go. My new apartment has a lot of cool features to it, and I will try and take some pictures sometime and put them up. I don't know when I will be able to do this as I am always so busy with other things.

Next, I have one job offer and another interview. The second position actually sounds better than the first, but we'll see what happens. I am hoping I get the second position, but I know I can fall back on the first one if need be. I am very excited that having just moved into my apartment it now seems that I am on the cusp of meeting my professional goals as well.

In addition to these two events of actually getting an offer and having my new apartment be so fabulous, I sent the manuscript for my book to an editor and she absolutely loved it. This gives me hope for being able to get the book published and lets me feel additional things that I haven't quite sorted out yet.

I was supposed to go to a synagogue this morning, but I was incredibly sick with a cold. I can't believe a cold kicked my ass this hard. However, I guess it happens every once in a while. This rabbi was a referral to me by a friend of mine that is also a rabbi in a neighboring state. This allows me the ability to hopefully start working towards my conversion. I didn't tell this to my lover this evening as I know he would rather I not convert and he'll be less than thrilled, but we will of course have to face it eventually.

Brings me to another point, I have a friend of mine that has caused me to rethink my position about good sex not existing. So all of you that tried to convince me that good sex does in deed exist get to win that argument. My friends still think I should get married again but I really don't want to.

Another thing though is that I was hoping at this point in time that my life would be different and that my recovery from all these traumas would be different. Instead it hurts more that the 4th anniversary of the adoption passed and I wasn't able to do anything with or for the kids. However I am trying to let go and not worry about things that are out of my control so to speak. Was that a walking AA commercial?

I have promised some friends that I will write a book about being a preacher's daughter and converting, but I said I wouldn't do it til after my conversion is done, so I will try to post more often about these things as I get to study and prepare and stuff like that. I will also try to post more in general once I get into a more secure routine.

I can honestly say I am the least alone I have ever been, the happiest I have ever been, and I really feel like I am starting to come into my own. I hope things continue on this up swing and that I can manage to get everything out of life that I want and deserve. At least I am glad to be part of a caring community and to begin the process of putting my feet on the ground.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

New Places

I can't believe I moved finally. It's been a really difficult transition but now I am finally here and it feels really good. I can't believe I waited so long to write a post. I guess I didn't have much to say, I still don't have much to say actually.