So here it is 347am and I am awake and blogging. How strange really. I will conclude my post with a video that I hope will entertain the rest of you as much as it entertains me. My favorite holiday starts tonight and it has given me a lot of things to think about. First of all, if you don't already know my favorite holiday is Passover, and if you need an explanation of it Chabad has a fantastic explanation of everything really.
A friend of mine once told me that the reason it is called Mitzrayim is because Egypt was oppressive in more than one way. I have touched on this a few times in previous posts, but that is only because I find it to be very profound. Especially the last couple of Passovers. I have been trying to leave Mitzrayim only to have it continually find me.
I began celebrating (Yes, celebrating) Passover when I was a child and I was invited to seders by Jewish friends. I was always amazed at the beauty of this story and at the holiday's rituals. I was exhausted of course because the seders lasted until about this time of morning that I am writing at, and it was a lot to sit through as a child. I never dreamed I'd be able to take on these traditions for myself. I had no idea there was such a thing as a convert then. I was also unaware of my oppression as a child. That awakening happened much later in my life.
The first inclining I had of my own oppression came with the pressure to have a confirmation. I really didn't want to have one, but I understood the importance of doing this and I knew there'd be no way out. For a while I was the only child in my family to go to church, now I am the only one NOT to go to church. Course there are only two of us, so that's no big deal.
My oppression came full circle onto my head during my divorce and the years leading up to it. Now I am plagued with having to deal with my ex-husband, but that thankfully has been resolved, and with dealings with my family. I think that this has a few layers of oppression because people seem to misunderstand that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I can forgive, but I don't want to go back into the oppressive roles that were once present. I want to live life as a free person. I recognize that I will most likely never be able to do that with these people in my life given everything that they put me through.
I love Passover even though it is family oriented because I love the way G-d is portrayed in the story. G-d is really an awesome figure in the story, and so is Moses by the way. It is a beautiful story about how G-d uses people and releases us from oppression, and how we can live free lives despite all the oppression we've been through. However, the holiday lets me down a little bit by not discussing how peace is made with these things. Peace seems to be noticeably absent from the accounts of the Exodus. People are grumpy and the like, even wind up with a golden calf because people can't wait for G-d to work.
In a lot of ways, I feel I have lived this story the last few years. Even the wandering in the desert happened for me, and sometimes continues to happen to me. As I look at my life I can see where most of the oppression has left me and I have begun to fill it with other things, but then I notice that I have a lot more left to do. Freedom really does come at a high cost.
I want things that I know I will never be able to have. I want people in my life that will never be there. I want things to be so different than they are. At the same time I am the happiest I have ever been and the most free, and I know that my best friend in the entire universe loves me as much as I love him, even if he doesn't know how much I love him, want him, and need him to be healthy.
My best friend taught me some things about myself over the last 14 years. I have been using those lessons to recover from my own exodus and I want to share a few of those things here. I miss him a lot, I wish he had some way to advise me on some other things and I miss his scent and the sound of his voice, but what's done is done. What I miss the most is his embrace and his kiss...but enough on with my list and then some videos.
My Best Friend Taught Me About Me (and this is a partial list):
I don't need anyone other than myself, and I am stronger than I think. He taught me this when I met him and I was in a terrible state of being. Back during the 1996 election cycle. I was having a horrible time with some things and people and he told me that all I needed to do was to stand my ground, and he was right. I have carried that with me all these years and even though I still feel that I do need him (sometimes) I know that this is true. I am who I am because of who we are together, but I am who I am because of my ability to manage things without anyone. I am able to withstand way more than I ever thought I would be able to, in part because of my own internal workings, but also because I always knew if push came to shove he'd calm me down.
There are things that others see in us that are true, valid, and that we might not see in ourselves. This comes from the argument we had where he walked away from me, or maybe I walked away from him, I don't remember anymore. I've always considered him family, and although he won't accept this as a valid statement in his life it is true. Others can sometimes see things better because they aren't knee deep in the strife. I will always be grateful to him for the way he sees me.
Everyone needs someone to hold them when they cry. This is something I am always reluctant to do and to admit, but he has demonstrated this to me time and time again in the years that I've known him. Even if the majority of the time it has been someone else doing the holding I know that he always knows when I am crying.
No matter how bad it gets we can always ride the tide into the shore. This is an important lesson that perhaps he now sees in himself because all of these I think apply to him as well. No matter how bad it gets and no matter how much I thought I wouldn't make it I was still able to pull through. It wasn't always an easy task, but I was totally able to do it. This is true for lots of people I suppose.
People will back you up no matter what. This is something that was hard for me to learn from him, but I was finally able to do it. It is because of the people around me that I was able to leave most of the oppressions behind and it is because of them that I will be able to leave them all behind eventually.
I'm supposing that things have gone south, but my heart will never change and he will never be replaced. He has an irreplaceable role in my life even if I am easily replaced in his.
Having done all of that...here are some videos for entertainment. I hope he will read the post and know which one is dedicated specifically to him...whatever you're doing remember I love you.
Joey
Gives you Hell
Everything
Hot-N-Cold
Mr. Brightside
I write Sins Not Tragedies
What Hurts the Most
I'll do some more and different videos in the future.
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