If you plan to see the movie but you haven't yet for some reason or another, be sure to read no further into this post. If you've seen it, or don't plan to see it then you can feel free to read these words.
A long time ago now, my dear friend called me and asked me about the movie Southland Tales. I was unable to get a copy of it at the time and it wasn't playing in any of the theaters near me, so I promised that if I were able to watch it in the future I would. A few days ago I noticed that it was on one of the on demand channels I get with my cable, and so I asked if my opinion was still requested. It was, and this brings me to this post.
First of all, this movie is important to you my friend because it is like a political nightmare! It was suggested that we are every character in our dreams, and on some level you are every character in this movie, and I will try to explain that a little more. Also, this movie deals with political conflicts and what happens when one side gets too much power. This is also something you have been fascinated with for quite some time.
In addition to the character themes that I will address, there is also that this movie has a lot to do with human relationships. I can't speak to your relationship with all humans, I can only speak to my insight from my relationship with you and from what you have told me about your relationships with others.
All the people in this movie are broken and in broken relationships with each other. When I met you in 1996 I was rather broken, and perhaps you were too. I am not ready to say our relationship was broken, but maybe it was. This is something you've always felt passionately about, you want to have healthy relationships with people. Before you were diagnosed you didn't know how to do that, and I think you are still learning.
Another aspect of this movie is the need for forgiveness of oneself and others. The one character, Roland actually says to himself I forgive you. That's a very moving moment, and I am sure for you it was amazing because you are unable to forgive yourself. Do you remember what you said to me when I came to L.A.? You take on guilt even for things that have nothing to do with you. You need to learn to forgive yourself and move forward. Everyone goes through difficult times in life, what makes or breaks a person is what one does in response to those times. You have always risen above those challenges. It is important that you continue to rise above things, but you will rise higher if you can forgive yourself for whatever sins you feel you have committed, and even way back to your childhood.
The individual characters in this movie are all struggling to cope with the brokenness that they have created in society and that society has created for them. This movie is about a war for the soul of the country and for the individual. It is a recognition of what happens if things are done to one extreme and without thought for the consequences. Boxer has problems because of this, although he tries to overcome it. Roland is the same way, Madeline and Kristin or whatever her name was area also that way. Frost is a power hungry maniac and his wife isn't much better. The neomarxists are really wacko. No one wants to work with each other or do something useful for the country it is all about causing problems and bringing people down into the brokenness with them.
You strive to go through your broken times alone, but you need people to come into that brokenness to bring you back up. You do your best to shut out the world, whereas these people do their best to spread their brokenness wherever they can. You do your best to keep the world from bringing you down, and they do their best to bring down the world, even in their own different ways.
It is a cautionary tale, and of course you love those, but these characters are all distraught as you have been, and maybe still are. You have a lot of healing left to do and I pray every night that someday you will complete the healing that you need. You were rocked to the core the last several years and I am sorry that I haven't been able to do more for you.
This movie was also weird, it was like a train wreck in a lot of ways. I couldn't look away but it was so bizarre. I think this is another reason it is so powerful to you, you feel that way about yourself. You feel that your life is a train wreck but you can't look away. You feel a lot of things about your life that I will never understand nor agree with, but they are your feelings and as such I will cherish them.
Southland Tales is a movie that you can relate to because it is almost as if your head was used as the inspiration. These are scenarios you think about, characters you could have written out of your own life, and just enough Dr. Who themes to satisfy the junkie that I know is in you.
I hope this helps, this is a little more simplistic than I had envisioned my post on this topic would be, but I am a little bit tired and I can't clearly concentrate on this at present. Please call me or something if you have additional questions and I will try to expound upon it.
Til then, I love you always. Watch the video.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Sleepless in Brooklyn
So here it is 347am and I am awake and blogging. How strange really. I will conclude my post with a video that I hope will entertain the rest of you as much as it entertains me. My favorite holiday starts tonight and it has given me a lot of things to think about. First of all, if you don't already know my favorite holiday is Passover, and if you need an explanation of it Chabad has a fantastic explanation of everything really.
A friend of mine once told me that the reason it is called Mitzrayim is because Egypt was oppressive in more than one way. I have touched on this a few times in previous posts, but that is only because I find it to be very profound. Especially the last couple of Passovers. I have been trying to leave Mitzrayim only to have it continually find me.
I began celebrating (Yes, celebrating) Passover when I was a child and I was invited to seders by Jewish friends. I was always amazed at the beauty of this story and at the holiday's rituals. I was exhausted of course because the seders lasted until about this time of morning that I am writing at, and it was a lot to sit through as a child. I never dreamed I'd be able to take on these traditions for myself. I had no idea there was such a thing as a convert then. I was also unaware of my oppression as a child. That awakening happened much later in my life.
The first inclining I had of my own oppression came with the pressure to have a confirmation. I really didn't want to have one, but I understood the importance of doing this and I knew there'd be no way out. For a while I was the only child in my family to go to church, now I am the only one NOT to go to church. Course there are only two of us, so that's no big deal.
My oppression came full circle onto my head during my divorce and the years leading up to it. Now I am plagued with having to deal with my ex-husband, but that thankfully has been resolved, and with dealings with my family. I think that this has a few layers of oppression because people seem to misunderstand that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I can forgive, but I don't want to go back into the oppressive roles that were once present. I want to live life as a free person. I recognize that I will most likely never be able to do that with these people in my life given everything that they put me through.
I love Passover even though it is family oriented because I love the way G-d is portrayed in the story. G-d is really an awesome figure in the story, and so is Moses by the way. It is a beautiful story about how G-d uses people and releases us from oppression, and how we can live free lives despite all the oppression we've been through. However, the holiday lets me down a little bit by not discussing how peace is made with these things. Peace seems to be noticeably absent from the accounts of the Exodus. People are grumpy and the like, even wind up with a golden calf because people can't wait for G-d to work.
In a lot of ways, I feel I have lived this story the last few years. Even the wandering in the desert happened for me, and sometimes continues to happen to me. As I look at my life I can see where most of the oppression has left me and I have begun to fill it with other things, but then I notice that I have a lot more left to do. Freedom really does come at a high cost.
I want things that I know I will never be able to have. I want people in my life that will never be there. I want things to be so different than they are. At the same time I am the happiest I have ever been and the most free, and I know that my best friend in the entire universe loves me as much as I love him, even if he doesn't know how much I love him, want him, and need him to be healthy.
My best friend taught me some things about myself over the last 14 years. I have been using those lessons to recover from my own exodus and I want to share a few of those things here. I miss him a lot, I wish he had some way to advise me on some other things and I miss his scent and the sound of his voice, but what's done is done. What I miss the most is his embrace and his kiss...but enough on with my list and then some videos.
My Best Friend Taught Me About Me (and this is a partial list):
I don't need anyone other than myself, and I am stronger than I think. He taught me this when I met him and I was in a terrible state of being. Back during the 1996 election cycle. I was having a horrible time with some things and people and he told me that all I needed to do was to stand my ground, and he was right. I have carried that with me all these years and even though I still feel that I do need him (sometimes) I know that this is true. I am who I am because of who we are together, but I am who I am because of my ability to manage things without anyone. I am able to withstand way more than I ever thought I would be able to, in part because of my own internal workings, but also because I always knew if push came to shove he'd calm me down.
There are things that others see in us that are true, valid, and that we might not see in ourselves. This comes from the argument we had where he walked away from me, or maybe I walked away from him, I don't remember anymore. I've always considered him family, and although he won't accept this as a valid statement in his life it is true. Others can sometimes see things better because they aren't knee deep in the strife. I will always be grateful to him for the way he sees me.
Everyone needs someone to hold them when they cry. This is something I am always reluctant to do and to admit, but he has demonstrated this to me time and time again in the years that I've known him. Even if the majority of the time it has been someone else doing the holding I know that he always knows when I am crying.
No matter how bad it gets we can always ride the tide into the shore. This is an important lesson that perhaps he now sees in himself because all of these I think apply to him as well. No matter how bad it gets and no matter how much I thought I wouldn't make it I was still able to pull through. It wasn't always an easy task, but I was totally able to do it. This is true for lots of people I suppose.
People will back you up no matter what. This is something that was hard for me to learn from him, but I was finally able to do it. It is because of the people around me that I was able to leave most of the oppressions behind and it is because of them that I will be able to leave them all behind eventually.
I'm supposing that things have gone south, but my heart will never change and he will never be replaced. He has an irreplaceable role in my life even if I am easily replaced in his.
Having done all of that...here are some videos for entertainment. I hope he will read the post and know which one is dedicated specifically to him...whatever you're doing remember I love you.
Joey
Gives you Hell
Everything
Hot-N-Cold
Mr. Brightside
I write Sins Not Tragedies
What Hurts the Most
I'll do some more and different videos in the future.
A friend of mine once told me that the reason it is called Mitzrayim is because Egypt was oppressive in more than one way. I have touched on this a few times in previous posts, but that is only because I find it to be very profound. Especially the last couple of Passovers. I have been trying to leave Mitzrayim only to have it continually find me.
I began celebrating (Yes, celebrating) Passover when I was a child and I was invited to seders by Jewish friends. I was always amazed at the beauty of this story and at the holiday's rituals. I was exhausted of course because the seders lasted until about this time of morning that I am writing at, and it was a lot to sit through as a child. I never dreamed I'd be able to take on these traditions for myself. I had no idea there was such a thing as a convert then. I was also unaware of my oppression as a child. That awakening happened much later in my life.
The first inclining I had of my own oppression came with the pressure to have a confirmation. I really didn't want to have one, but I understood the importance of doing this and I knew there'd be no way out. For a while I was the only child in my family to go to church, now I am the only one NOT to go to church. Course there are only two of us, so that's no big deal.
My oppression came full circle onto my head during my divorce and the years leading up to it. Now I am plagued with having to deal with my ex-husband, but that thankfully has been resolved, and with dealings with my family. I think that this has a few layers of oppression because people seem to misunderstand that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I can forgive, but I don't want to go back into the oppressive roles that were once present. I want to live life as a free person. I recognize that I will most likely never be able to do that with these people in my life given everything that they put me through.
I love Passover even though it is family oriented because I love the way G-d is portrayed in the story. G-d is really an awesome figure in the story, and so is Moses by the way. It is a beautiful story about how G-d uses people and releases us from oppression, and how we can live free lives despite all the oppression we've been through. However, the holiday lets me down a little bit by not discussing how peace is made with these things. Peace seems to be noticeably absent from the accounts of the Exodus. People are grumpy and the like, even wind up with a golden calf because people can't wait for G-d to work.
In a lot of ways, I feel I have lived this story the last few years. Even the wandering in the desert happened for me, and sometimes continues to happen to me. As I look at my life I can see where most of the oppression has left me and I have begun to fill it with other things, but then I notice that I have a lot more left to do. Freedom really does come at a high cost.
I want things that I know I will never be able to have. I want people in my life that will never be there. I want things to be so different than they are. At the same time I am the happiest I have ever been and the most free, and I know that my best friend in the entire universe loves me as much as I love him, even if he doesn't know how much I love him, want him, and need him to be healthy.
My best friend taught me some things about myself over the last 14 years. I have been using those lessons to recover from my own exodus and I want to share a few of those things here. I miss him a lot, I wish he had some way to advise me on some other things and I miss his scent and the sound of his voice, but what's done is done. What I miss the most is his embrace and his kiss...but enough on with my list and then some videos.
My Best Friend Taught Me About Me (and this is a partial list):
I don't need anyone other than myself, and I am stronger than I think. He taught me this when I met him and I was in a terrible state of being. Back during the 1996 election cycle. I was having a horrible time with some things and people and he told me that all I needed to do was to stand my ground, and he was right. I have carried that with me all these years and even though I still feel that I do need him (sometimes) I know that this is true. I am who I am because of who we are together, but I am who I am because of my ability to manage things without anyone. I am able to withstand way more than I ever thought I would be able to, in part because of my own internal workings, but also because I always knew if push came to shove he'd calm me down.
There are things that others see in us that are true, valid, and that we might not see in ourselves. This comes from the argument we had where he walked away from me, or maybe I walked away from him, I don't remember anymore. I've always considered him family, and although he won't accept this as a valid statement in his life it is true. Others can sometimes see things better because they aren't knee deep in the strife. I will always be grateful to him for the way he sees me.
Everyone needs someone to hold them when they cry. This is something I am always reluctant to do and to admit, but he has demonstrated this to me time and time again in the years that I've known him. Even if the majority of the time it has been someone else doing the holding I know that he always knows when I am crying.
No matter how bad it gets we can always ride the tide into the shore. This is an important lesson that perhaps he now sees in himself because all of these I think apply to him as well. No matter how bad it gets and no matter how much I thought I wouldn't make it I was still able to pull through. It wasn't always an easy task, but I was totally able to do it. This is true for lots of people I suppose.
People will back you up no matter what. This is something that was hard for me to learn from him, but I was finally able to do it. It is because of the people around me that I was able to leave most of the oppressions behind and it is because of them that I will be able to leave them all behind eventually.
I'm supposing that things have gone south, but my heart will never change and he will never be replaced. He has an irreplaceable role in my life even if I am easily replaced in his.
Having done all of that...here are some videos for entertainment. I hope he will read the post and know which one is dedicated specifically to him...whatever you're doing remember I love you.
Joey
Gives you Hell
Everything
Hot-N-Cold
Mr. Brightside
I write Sins Not Tragedies
What Hurts the Most
I'll do some more and different videos in the future.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Anger
If any of you read my blog out there, I would like some advice. Anger is a secondary emotion of course and I understand that. I am trying to find a way to get the anger and the pain to go away. I have been unable to find a way to do this...so I am asking all of you to give me your advice, how do I get over these things that were done? The betrayal by those that are supposed to be safe people?
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