Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Fear
I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted. The reality is I am living in the land of fear, and I have no idea where to cling to now that I have entered it. I am deeply lost in this land of fear I don't know what I will do. I can't seem to get out and I am so wounded that I can't even recognize help when and if it were to arrive. I find myself trying very hard to keep myself on the straight narrow/sane part of things but that's becoming more and more difficult. I feel myself becoming something else, or maybe someone else. I just feel so far lost from myself and who I am, who I want(ed) to be. I find that my gift for guiding others is completely lost on myself during this crisis. I hope that it will be a short lived crisis because there are other things that I need to get done with my life. I don't have time to sit in fear and wait, yet here I am paralyzed by it.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Death of an Icon
My dear friends,
I have recently been informed of a terrible event in my life. One of my best friends from college has died. He was a great man, from a long line of great men. When we would sit and talk he would really focus on what I was saying, and then he even took my advice on his career choice. At the time of his death he was First Secretary of the Embassy of South Africa to Sudan. He died while visiting London of Cerebral Malaria, and was the tender age of 41. What makes him unique is that despite his being Walter Sisulu's grandson he was very down to earth. In fact, I always imagined that if I had met his grandfather they'd be very much alike. He was soft-spoken and I think had potential to do a lot of great work for his country and the world. I am honored to have nurtured and encouraged him to become the man I am sure he was before his death, and I am sure we will all feel a void and miss him in the future. Already the world seems like a darker place. I know though that he is now with his grandfather and perhaps they will both look over me.
I have recently been informed of a terrible event in my life. One of my best friends from college has died. He was a great man, from a long line of great men. When we would sit and talk he would really focus on what I was saying, and then he even took my advice on his career choice. At the time of his death he was First Secretary of the Embassy of South Africa to Sudan. He died while visiting London of Cerebral Malaria, and was the tender age of 41. What makes him unique is that despite his being Walter Sisulu's grandson he was very down to earth. In fact, I always imagined that if I had met his grandfather they'd be very much alike. He was soft-spoken and I think had potential to do a lot of great work for his country and the world. I am honored to have nurtured and encouraged him to become the man I am sure he was before his death, and I am sure we will all feel a void and miss him in the future. Already the world seems like a darker place. I know though that he is now with his grandfather and perhaps they will both look over me.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Spring is a time of renewal, and new beginnings, or so they say. I can't believe it is already April. This April marks a year in my journey to a divorce, or as a friend of mine says, "Let's call it rectifying a mistake" this also marks a time that I began keeping this blog, although I admit I have been really poor at keeping up with the posts on it. This is in part due to my inability to find topics of interest, but also because of my lack of interest in a number of things that I used to find fascinating. Blogging being one of those things, additionally if I leave a loose trail I don't have to worry about the assholes in the world causing me additional pain and suffering. This year has been a very painful one, a very difficult one, and there as of yet is no end in sight.
As I think about the things I need to say and do to carry my dearly beloved friend through his own crisis, I am reminded of the things I need to say and do for myself. This is partly because of how similar we are, but it is also because we find ourselves disturbed by similar issues, the difference is of course that he has much more support for what he is going through than I do. He also has me, and I am particularly good at figuring out what he needs and giving it to him. Sometimes I jokingly say he is my other half, in many ways this is a joke and in other ways I am deadly serious when I say it.
This spring I am hoping for a time of renewal for my own spirit and my own life. I will be planning my relocation, my trip home, and most importantly forging a new identity for myself. This new identity will keep me safe, secure, and will carry with it all the affections that I have for myself, and for my family. My new family, the family that has gotten me through a very challenging time period. Many people are in this family, but very few can I be connected to in a tangible way. Everyone is of course equally important, and a variety of things will impact whom I am connected to and how this will play out.
In a couple weeks I will post a follow up, and God willing a post script to the drama that has been going on. I might even explain in more depth why I changed my blog and stuff like that. I hope and pray that I will be OK soon, and until then I will find my home in the 23rd psalm.
May you find what brings peace to you. I find that today has been a much more peaceful day than yesterday, even with its history. I'm a little bit tired of the hypocracy of all the candidates related to MLK's assassination, but it is what it is. Like the person said at McCain's speech, we all make mistakes.
Blessings to all of you, as you go along your journey. I will do another post as soon as I find something to say or in a couple weeks, whichever comes up first.
Malka
As I think about the things I need to say and do to carry my dearly beloved friend through his own crisis, I am reminded of the things I need to say and do for myself. This is partly because of how similar we are, but it is also because we find ourselves disturbed by similar issues, the difference is of course that he has much more support for what he is going through than I do. He also has me, and I am particularly good at figuring out what he needs and giving it to him. Sometimes I jokingly say he is my other half, in many ways this is a joke and in other ways I am deadly serious when I say it.
This spring I am hoping for a time of renewal for my own spirit and my own life. I will be planning my relocation, my trip home, and most importantly forging a new identity for myself. This new identity will keep me safe, secure, and will carry with it all the affections that I have for myself, and for my family. My new family, the family that has gotten me through a very challenging time period. Many people are in this family, but very few can I be connected to in a tangible way. Everyone is of course equally important, and a variety of things will impact whom I am connected to and how this will play out.
In a couple weeks I will post a follow up, and God willing a post script to the drama that has been going on. I might even explain in more depth why I changed my blog and stuff like that. I hope and pray that I will be OK soon, and until then I will find my home in the 23rd psalm.
May you find what brings peace to you. I find that today has been a much more peaceful day than yesterday, even with its history. I'm a little bit tired of the hypocracy of all the candidates related to MLK's assassination, but it is what it is. Like the person said at McCain's speech, we all make mistakes.
Blessings to all of you, as you go along your journey. I will do another post as soon as I find something to say or in a couple weeks, whichever comes up first.
Malka
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