The Outsiders

Every political system has an outsider. Although, I have somehow become an outsider in my own life. This has been a very strange experience. I feel as if I have been severed from myself, in many ways I suppose I have been. This journey that I am on is really a return to myself in many respects. I was excited to hear from the OU people that they think they have found a community for me. Apparently I am not as alone as I think I am, and I of course wrote my local community since the rabbi there has been very kind to me. I told him I'll send him the email 4 times if he doesn't answer me. I understand tradition is to ignore the first 3 attempts.

I've been an outsider my entire life, which makes this both interesting and uninteresting at the same time. I was born as an outsider, from the beginning I was not what was expected. My parents had been told I was a boy. I can just imagine the shock when they had a girl and 3 weeks early at that. To say nothing of the countless ways I have been a religious outsider and a spiritual outsider.

I was also an outsider I'd imagine as a wife/mother. I am hoping now that in this segment of my life I can finally move from being an outsider, or even a refugee into a different state of being. The book is almost finished, of course our story isn't over so it is difficult to decide how to put an ending to the book. I have a few ideas that I will try out and let abba read it and tell me what he thinks. I'm sure he'll have some comments, I just hope it doesn't completely flip him out considering the nature of the topics and my experiences. He's become my father, but he doesn't yet know everything about me. I know he can take it, but the whole idea of letting someone that close freaks me out. As always I am an outsider when it comes to trust issues.

I am writing my book under my new name. I chose my name with the advice of some others that know me. I find it to be a beautiful name and I am excited about having it. Naturally it's my secret name and if I love you I will tell you what it is, if I don't well...you can't use it either way unless we're in private or with others that know it. I don't want my name being corrupted again by the world.

Those of us outside the system seem to regularly stay outside of the system. It's kind of a frustrating situation. I am OK with being an outsider, but not in my own life. I am trying to find ways to be true to myself and to see myself where I am at and where I want to be. These are the only things that are important, if I am OK with myself everything else is secondary.