Politics of Family

They say in Sicily women are as dangerous as shot guns. That's not really the full truth, the truth of the matter is that it depends on her role and how dangerous she wants to be, in some cases women are more dangerous than shot guns. This of course comes from our common heritage with those in the middle east that swept through and conquered us. It also comes from the traditional roles of women in the family.

The Sicilian family at least when it comes to women is somewhat limited in the roles that are played out. There is the wife, the daughter, the whore, and the darling. It is the darling that I fall into, and thankfully not the others. I'd much rather be the darling than the wife, the whore, or the daughter. Especially given what this particular set of society roles means and leads to. The darling is the best place to be. I realized this yesterday when the tears were flowing down my face and he was carrying on about the women in his life and I said funny you never treat me that way, better the darling than the whore since the whore is disposable. That earned me a smile, a nod, and a yes I told you that years ago. The reality is by playing the darling I purify him from his every day reality, and in many ways he needs me and loves me far more than I will ever need and love him. The beauty of us though is that whereas I love him as if he were my brother and I respect the power he holds in his hands enough not to ask questions (at least not too many and not about certain subjects), he loves me separately from these disposable women that ask too many questions and lose their heads.

In that regard I am afforded protected status so to speak, especially after yesterday's discussion. I have moved into the princessa status, course that is a natural transition given the many years we have known each other and the deference I grant him and vice versa. He denies me nothing, even my questions would be answered (I'd probably even keep my head if they were the wrong questions, but I choose not to enter that world) he always laughs when I refuse to ask things or discuss topics on the grounds that I wish to keep my head.

I broke my cardinal rule with him yesterday. I have tried up until this point to keep my relationship with him separate from other aspects of my life, I have tried to compartmentalize things in my non-protected world from the world I share with him, where I can do no wrong and anyone who crosses me finds himself outside. I have always maintained this difference for my own protection, for his, and just for the order of the universe. I have after all known him, and the way he behaves when it comes to me. I have known how vicious he can be, and how stealthy he can move in the night. He is after all one of my own brethren, we are much more alike than he cares to admit. We are much more alike than I care to admit, after all it is a fine line and I can walk over it just as easily as he can. For all of these reasons and more I have tried to live a different life when I am with him than when I am not with him.

Yesterday however aided by fatigue, illness, and my deep affections for him I broke my own rule. I laid everything at his feet, I wept, I became unglued. It was horrible undignified and I know men who probably would have spanked me for the spectacle as it was rather child like. So many aspects of my life have become child like lately, and the politics of the family have always been very good to me. I have maintained of course that keeping my life separated from him was the reason that the politics of the family were so good to me all these years, but the reality is that I was wrong and I had grossly misjudged him. I have always maintained in his presence that he is not the man that he thinks he is. He does what he must, but it is only because of our heritage that he is this way, he's not evil to the core or any of the things that he has confessed to me that he believes himself to be.

I have dutifully taken care of him in these moments, I have done my best to hold his hand (I am so good one wouldn't even realize how far away we are) through all sorts of terrible ordeals, without knowing the true nature of the situation (remember I like breathing so I don't ask). I have dutifully told him that it was the correct course of action whatever he had decided to do and that things would improve. I have wept with him, attempted to wipe the tears (even from this distance). I have made him who he is and I have fashioned out who he will be. This is after all my role as his darling. It is part of my responsibility as his darling to do these things and I've always taken this seriously. Even before I knew the full extent of who he is.

What I didn't realize is as his darling he has certain responsibilities to me, and I was so busy fulfilling mine to him that I neglected to consider the idea that he takes his to me just as seriously (if not more). It had never occurred to me that there were responsibilities to the darling. I had always felt that being the darling meant I was outside of his world and that I would never be in his space. He would come and go from mine as it were and we would talk, laugh, and leave things at that. Since I don't play the whore I don't have to worry about sexual issues or anything of that nature. I always felt a sense of relief about this, I had more control over the topics because I could choose to say I don't want to know about this or that. He would laugh and just change the subject.

Yesterday though, everything changed. I have never been able to refuse him anything, it is just part of the deference I grant him. I feel it's rude not to answer his questions, or to leave things at a distance where it comes to my world if he asks to be let in. I find this to be disconcerting of course but after all we are friends and I have consented to being the darling and as such I am the only non-disposable woman in his life. I love that status, and so I try not to push the envelope. So I was unglued and melting down and I could almost feel his hand on my cheek, lifting my face up to meet his when he asked me what happened. All I could do was continue to have my meltdown and explain it to him as best I could. I could tell he was less than thrilled, but he loves me what more was there to say? I could almost see him in the chair putting out his cigarette and sitting back slightly. I'm guessing a grin came to his face as he replied with, it'll all be OK I will take care of you and connect you. Destiny reached out and touched me yesterday, it is interesting as I am still outside the world in an innocent state and yet deeply connected to it now.

I have no doubts that things will stay the same, but I have no doubt that things are now entirely different between us. I have let him into the parts of myself that I didn't even know existed, the child side, the non-child side, the princess, the brat, all of me. He has now universally accepted me and this should make things interesting in the months and years to come. The beauty of it is that because I am the darling I can never be the whore, or anything else. I will remain here in this post for eternity.