Reunion

In a few hours I will be going to the airport to pick up the greatest love I have ever known. This is a reunion that has been 10 years in the making at least, I think maybe even more than that and I find myself strangely calm and also strangely terrified. I told him that his being a non-Jew will seriously fuck up the plans I am making for my own life if we decide to have a relationship, so he said he would be willing to convert and started reading about all kinds of Jewish topics. I was really surprised by that, but then again he says I am the love of his life and he came back from the desert just for me.

Conversion

Last night I had an awful conversation with a former? friend of mine....about my decision to convert. I called my friend, we'll call him M out of respect for his privacy. I told him I was calling to check and see if he was OK because apparently his phone had been off as had been reported to me by some people. He proceeded to tell me he will pray for my soul, I am going to Hell, I am denying Jesus, and a bunch of other crap. We ended up in an argument, and things will be rocky I can see from here on out.

I first heard the word conversion in 1995. I had always felt Jewish, but I had no idea that one could become a Jew even though one wasn't born a Jew until 1995, and the idea was interesting to say the least although at the time I felt fine the way I was. I wanted to make sure that I wanted to be in a religion for the right reasons.

Now that I have made these decisions I would really appreciate it if people who know nothing about either my former or hopefully soon new religion will back off.

Things I wish people would say to me when they discover I am converting. Sometimes people do say these things to me, and sometimes they say even nicer things to me. This list goes with the rude comments list, and I have debated expanding it, but I have since decided that 18 being the number of life I'd either need to add another 18 or I'd risk ruining the karma of it. So at this point I am going to leave it alone. By far my favorite is when I am told someone thought I was Jewish already, it makes my entire day...or when I get told I sound like a true Jew. My friend apparently has another suggestion as to a rabbi I can work with so we'll see what happens.

1. You'll be a wonderful asset to our community, I thought you were Jewish already.
2. Isn't it nice that you have the freedom to choose who you want to be?
3. How nice that you find Judaism so comforting and our beliefs so compatible with your spiritual path.
4. Do you have any questions that I can answer for you?
5. It would be my pleasure to help you in your transition in any way I can.
6. Welcome to the neighborhood it's nice you feel included here, let us know if there's anything we can do.
7. You'll have to come over sometime, you know it is forbidden to insult/embarrass a convert, and commanded to love them.
8. Everyone knows converts don't have family, we'd be honored to have you as part of ours for now.
9. I'm glad to see that you have had such a positive experience with the Chassidic community and other communities.
10. You should read some about (these issues and people) I think you'd really enjoy it.
11. Your great-grandmother must be so proud that you decided to return to Judaism (ok she's also long since dead, but still this would be so nice).
12. What can I do to help you build your Jewish family and community?
13. I know some really great kosher stores/restaurants.
14. There's (insert an event here) you might be interested in, it is commemorating this (observance explanation) and there will be lots of people there for you to meet.
15. It's wonderful that you feel Orthodoxy is where your heart is.
16. My name is....it's very nice to meet you.
17. Thank you for answering my rude and annoying questions. I don't mean to be intrusive I am just curious.
18. Would you mind discussing your story with me?

I am stopping at 18 because 18 is the number of life, but I could go on and on.

OK, I am making an attempt to condense this series of commentaries into a smaller group, because there are other topics I want to talk about, like the funk I am in right now. So here is my attempt at pairing this down. It may take another post, I am not sure.

9. What motivated you to want to convert?

This sort of goes along with the why do you want to convert and as such isn't rude by itself. Usually when I find this rude it has to do with the context that it has been brought up in. I also get sick and tired of discussing my motivations. I don't feel that I should have to explain my story over and over and over again. I mean I can understand why it is interesting to someone, but at the same time it tends to annoy me.

10. What are the best fast food restaurants?

This annoys me because there is so much more to life than fast food restaurants.

11. What does pork taste like?

How does one really explain this to anyone? I mean pork tastes like pork, and frankly I think it tastes disgusting...ask my better half I have never been a fan of pork.

12. What do you mean you DON'T want to get married?

Wow, why does my life need to be approved by other people? This question is always rude to me, I don't feel the need to get married again, and in fact in Judaism it is the men that are required to get married and have babies, and the women do them a favor by facilitating this. Since I can't have babies what is the point really in my getting married? I know that in this society there are hardly any single women, but really give me a break.

13. You know that you will never be a REAL Jew right?

I am not sure anyone knows what a REAL Jew is...this seems to be the million dollar question!

14. No one will ever accept you, so just be aware you will never be a real member of the community.

I know my friend that said this to me was just trying to warn me, but it strikes me as strange that I wouldn't ever be accepted. No one seems to think I am anything but Jewish.

15. Why are you even asking that question no one knows the answer and no one cares.

I think people should know the answers to my questions and should care. When I ask questions that are thought provoking, there's only few people I ask questions to because most of the time that I ask questions I get told that these things aren't of importance, but you see they are of importance.

16. Why did you grandfather marry out, what does he think about you converting? (he died in 1991 I doubt he thinks anything, and he wouldn't approve anyway).

All these family questions become rude after a while. I mean why should I live my life based on what other people say/think?

17. What does your family say about this?

See above.

18. What will Jesus say about this? (Welcome home my child, after all he was an Orthodox Jew and it's just one Jew to another right?)

This is rude on so many levels it is comical to me to even think about...and I've said all I can say about it in the parentheses next to it. I mean, what difference does it really make? What would Jesus say about what His church did to me anyway? Someone explain that one!

19. I am not ready for you to make this change.

I never know how to take this one. Why should I worry about someone being ready for me to make a change or not? I mean I need to make good decisions for me, not for someone else.

20. Why would you want to be Jewish we are one of the most hated people in the world?

Maybe this is exactly why I want to become Jewish? Because of 20 and 21...Maybe it is because of the history of the Jewish people that I feel I fit in with, or maybe it is because I find refuge in realizing I am not the only one to have been abused by society? Who better to understand persecution and suffering than the Jewish people....being the most hated is sometimes a good thing.

21. You do realize people are always trying to kill or otherwise persecute the Jews right?

This is rude because it annoys me. Throughout history lots of people have been persecuted and killed for lots of different tribal affiliations, or religious reasons. I find this sort of chafes me a little bit, but I say see above.

22. You're pronouncing everything wrong and going about this all wrong!

This is particularly rude to me when it is said by a non-Jew, at least a Jew I don't mind the correction from. I do hate being told I am going about things the wrong way.

23. You were attending a Chassidic synagogue why?

23 and 24 go together in my rude comments because they are both about Chassids. I hate being challenged about the fact that I was going to a Chassidic synagogue. I needed a place to be, I needed the freedom to be me, and I needed a new family and I found that in the Chassidic community, so what is the big deal? Why is it such a problem that I went to a Chassidic synagogue? They're not freaks or anything, in fact they are very loving people, in my case anyway.

24. Don't you know the Chassids are mean and nasty people?

This comment is evidently made by people that didn't meet the Chassids I have met. I don't understand this comment, but I find it rude because it is insulting to my new family that I forged for myself, and it is patently false in my own experience.

25. Why don't you move to a community that has more converts you'd have more friends and feel more at home there.

These two, 25 and 26 are rude because it is other people making decisions about where I'd feel comfortable and at home. I feel that I am the only one who can make that determination for myself.

26. You want to become Orthodox, I think you'd be more comfortable as Reform or Conservative like I am. (interesting how would someone else be qualified to make that judgment).

See above.

27. You go to Sephardi services, you realize they beat their wives every day and they don't accept converts or even Jews that aren't Sephardi right?

I don't think it is nice to make these kinds of comments about a group in general. Even if they don't accept converts they have a beautiful service and were friendlier to me than the Ashkenazim here.

28. What does your father think about this, I mean he is a pastor isn't he upset?

See # 16.

29. How does your mother feel about you converting?

See #16.

30. Are you related to so-n-so? (No, I have no idea who those people are stop asking me, by the way are you related to....the bingo playing must stop..no Dutch bingo and no Jewish Bingo thank you...this is a BINGO free zone).

I hate game playing, what is the need to relate everyone to someone else?

31. I know the perfect guy for you....

Let me guess he'll beat me every day or worse?

32. Does your future second husband wear a black hat and peyos?

I didn't think there was a second husband coming in the horizon.

33. You know your husband will only have sex with you through a hole in the sheet.

Evidently people think I will be marrying a Satmar, I hear they use a hole in the sheet but evidently no one else does.

34. What do you mean you won't touch your husband in public and he won't touch you?

Since I don't menstruate anymore, I am not sure how this work...but non-Jews seem to not understand the lack of touching.

35. You mean you won't hug your father, brother, cousins, uncles etc?

Yes, I hate being touched, and I don't want people in my personal space.

36. What do you mean you won't be eating in my house anymore?

This is said by non-Jews who don't understand. It makes me feel bad because it makes me feel like I am making them feel bad.

37. You know if you can't eat in my house there will be no point in having you over.

Why not just let me bring my own food...or food for all of us? What a strange concept that there's no point in having me over :(

38. You know my rabbi told me such and such, so you will have to do all these things too.

Ask for an opinion you'll get at least 5. Just because there was one standard doesn't mean there is always a standard.

39. You know you will have to cover your hair if you become Orthodox.

First of all this makes me laugh because this is said as if all Orthodox women cover their hair, and only married women do this and even then not all married women do because it is not a cut and dry issue. I am never sure what someone means by saying this. It seems to me to be patently ridiculous.

40. I think you should reconsider my experience and use it more as a guide for what yours will be. (Right because we are all robots)

Judaism is like a chocolate cake, every layer is deeper and better. I said this to my rabbi in Michigan once and he loved it. I find it kind of amusing that someone would think that their experience could guide me. Is it true that everyone looks at Judaism the way I do? I am like a big kid. If that's the case than sure bring on your experience, if not leave it at the door!

41. You know Judaism doesn't encourage converts.

This seems to imply that I don't know how to do research.

42. Well I think that is a dangerous statement, but coming from you it is probably true.

This is from the same rabbi who asked me all about my praying and Abraham. I personally think saying anything is a dangerous statement unless it IS a dangerous statement is ridiculous. My claiming my heritage is not dangerous to anyone, last time I checked.

5. How can you stand being with people that think women are inferior?

This is rude on so many levels I can't even begin to make an accurate commentary. First of all it is rude because it assumes that ALL Orthodox Jews believe women are inferior. Whereas I am willing to agree that SOME do believe that women are inferior, certainly not all do. In fact, SOME non-Jewish people also believe women to be inferior.

Second it is rude because it is clearly an indication that someone lacks an understanding of Orthodox tradition and wants to project their own opinion onto the situation. I am a big proponent of learning about a cultural tradition and then examining it within context. This doesn't apply to things that are really dangerous to people. However, things like why women and men pray separately are rather innocuous issues that can be examined from within right? At least take the time to find out what the background is instead of making a generalized statement about the background etc.

Thirdly it is rude because it assumes that I don't know what I am doing. Frankly I believe men and women are equal but different. I am not a man, some things men do better than me, some things I do better than men. They're just different. I don't want to be a man and I don't think a man wants to be me either.

Additionally, I just find it rude to throw things out there like women being inferior, what are they supposed to be superior? Does pure equality actually exist? Even in Judaism there isn't real equality in fact women are spiritually HIGHER than men in Judaism.....but right women are inferior...strange idea this is.

6. How do you deal with not being a descendant of Abraham yet when you say OUR prayers?

This is also SO rude I can't begin to comment about it. I find it interesting that Jews, Christians, and Muslims all claim their ancestor is Abraham, but somehow I am not a descendant and not allowed to claim to be, and not allowed to share in the prayers, and not allowed to....again strange idea obviously born out of ignorance, too bad it was a rabbi that first said it to me.

7. Are you comfortable with the OUR G-D language, how do you deal with it being OUR G-D?

Same rabbi, can someone tell me when Jews, Christians, and Muslims decided to worship different gods? I was raised that there is one true God, and it was the same God mentioned in the OT. Strange idea that this man has isn't it, that it would be a different God....hence I am using the word with all the letters in it for this commentary.

8. What makes you so sure this is a good decision for you?

This is rude because it implies that my judgment is so poor I am unable to make good decisions for me, but also because it implies that it is a decision. Alas my better half put it the other day "You were always a Jew...." this is a true and accurate statement and it captures the issue as it is. This isn't a decision, I even object to the whole Jewish by Choice phrase. It's not a choice. It is what my soul requires of me.

1. Are you going to convert your children with you? (they don't even live with me so how is this an issue)

This is one of those questions that isn't rude on the face, but is rude depending on the context. The reality is you can't force someone else to convert, even a child. If my children do end up living with me at some point I will expect them to respect my new way of life and to be exposed to it, but whether to convert or not I will expect them to make their own decisions about that when they are old enough to understand it.

2. You do know there are beliefs associated with Judaism?

Again, this is another question that isn't rude on its face, but is rude depending on the context. This is a question that annoys me, because it seems to me that it is obvious that there are beliefs associated with Judaism. After all Judaism is a religion, and supposedly the ancestor to my former religion of Christianity. Thus it would make sense that there are beliefs associated with Judaism.

3. Can I eat in your house still?

This is a question I get asked by non-Jews quite often and it has a sister question that comes later in the list. I think that it is a rude question because it implies that I would suddenly only socialize with Jewish people. Whereas my preference is to socialize with Jews, I am not going to leave my non-Jewish friends out in the cold so to speak. I fully expect them to come to my house and eat for example.

4. Will you still be able to go the movies?

I am becoming Jewish not Amish. This whole idea that I would stop going to movies is a bit ridiculous. Jewish people not only star in movies, but they do attend movies as well. I am not giving up modern life, I am just changing the life I am leading.


Stay tuned for other commentaries on the rude comments that have been made to me and my wish list so to speak. It is highly likely that in my book there will be more detailed comments about these things, as I am using this time to get my grounding so to speak.

Update

First of all I am happy to report that I have come up with a title for the book detailing the story of my conversion, and I am eagerly awaiting the call from the rabbi telling me he has someone for me to study with. Hopefully this will happen in the near future.

Secondly, I have decided that as part of my book I would like to address the comments in the previous post and then have my own commentary, more detailed etc. about those statements. I plan to give each comment it's own post in order to get my clear head around the topic. To this end I have also gotten other questions, not rude questions mind you, but just other questions that I will be addressing here as well with the full purpose of including them in my book. Most likely I will give them titles that then relate to the book, unlike my first post about the book called notes for the future because I wanted to remember these things. Also I will include a list of things I wish people would say, I actually wrote one but I might change it up a bit when I am done fleshing out my comments about the rude things people say.

I think my book should include a lot about the experiences I have, the people I meet, the questions I am asked, and also a bit about the things that I think about. In addition of course to the motivational factors and the biographical ones that will be included by necessity. Some of these things are inspired by other things I have read, and by this I mean books that I have read. I will include those here as well. I am not looking to make a huge treatise out of my book but the more material I have the more I can work with.

On the topic of my already written book regarding the unfortunate events of the last few years, I have secured an editor now I just need to secure funding resources. This is temporarily on the back burner as I am trying to secure a few other things in my life right now.

So there you have my blog preview. I don't know how many days or how many posts a day or whatever it will take, but it'll work out very nicely.

Rude Comments

I am putting this post here for inclusion in my future book on conversion. I have previously done posts that I am doing with the sole purpose of inclusion in such a book, and I will continue to do so in the future. Comments are welcome though if anyone sees fit.

1. Are you going to convert your children with you? (they don't even live with me so how is this an issue)
2. You do know there are beliefs associated with Judaism?
3. Can I eat in your house still?
4. Will you still be able to go the movies?
5. How can you stand being with people that think women are inferior?
6. How do you deal with not being a descendant of Abraham yet when you say OUR prayers?
7. Are you comfortable with the OUR G-D language, how do you deal with it being OUR G-D?
8. What makes you so sure this is a good decision for you?
9. What motivated you to want to convert?
10. What are the best fast food restaurants?
11. What does pork taste like?
12. What do you mean you DON'T want to get married?
13. You know that you will never be a REAL Jew right?
14. No one will ever accept you, so just be aware you will never be a real member of the community.
15. Why are you even asking that question no one knows the answer and no one cares.
16. Why did you grandfather marry out, what does he think about you converting? (he died in 1991 I doubt he thinks anything, and he wouldn't approve anyway).
17. What does your family say about this?
18. What will Jesus say about this? (Welcome home my child, after all he was an Orthodox Jew and it's just one Jew to another right?)
19. I am not ready for you to make this change.
20. Why would you want to be Jewish we are one of the most hated people in the world?
21. You do realize people are always trying to kill or otherwise persecute the Jews right?
22. You're pronouncing everything wrong and going about this all wrong!
23. You were attending a Chassidic synagogue why?
24. Don't you know the Chassids are mean and nasty people?
25. Why don't you move to a community that has more converts you'd have more friends and feel more at home there.
26. You want to become Orthodox, I think you'd be more comfortable as Reform or Conservative like I am. (interesting how would someone else be qualified to make that judgment).
27. You go to Sephardi services, you realize they beat their wives every day and they don't accept converts or even Jews that aren't Sephardi right?
28. What does your father think about this, I mean he is a pastor isn't he upset?
29. How does your mother feel about you converting?
30. Are you related to so-n-so? (No, I have no idea who those people are stop asking me, by the way are you related to....the bingo playing must stop..no Dutch bingo and no Jewish Bingo thank you...this is a BINGO free zone).
31. I know the perfect guy for you....
32. Does your future second husband wear a black hat and peyos?
33. You know your husband will only have sex with you through a hole in the sheet.
34. What do you mean you won't touch your husband in public and he won't touch you?
35. You mean you won't hug your father, brother, cousins, uncles etc?
36. What do you mean you won't be eating in my house anymore?
37. You know if you can't eat in my house there will be no point in having you over.
38. You know my rabbi told me such and such, so you will have to do all these things too.
39. You know you will have to cover your hair if you become Orthodox.
40. I think you should reconsider my experience and use it more as a guide for what yours will be. (Right because we are all robots)
41. You know Judaism doesn't encourage converts.
42. Well I think that is a dangerous statement, but coming from you it is probably true.

A day in the life

I'm contemplating a typical day in my life so that I can have something to say on the topic. I am also thinking about what kind of political topics to cover, as there are so many things that can be addressed just in this week's news alone. I want so many things to be different in my life, and yet so many things are really great right now. I don't know what to write about, but I will try and start writing again soon.