There seems to be much debate about this particular biblical passage and what the part about being a desolate woman refers to. Many have said that it is a reference to her never having children. I have always been of the opinion that it refers to her being hollowed out and being made a shell of a person by the event. This is what happened to me after my rape, and continues to happen to me related to some other issues. I believe that this is what the reference is about the profound grief that not only the initial transgression creates, but is further created by an environmental response of don't talk about it, or it will go away, or I don't believe you, or some other similar response. Perhaps this is not what is intended, but it is often the way these things happen to play out. This creates an environment that causes one who has survived to question everything, including themselves at a very basic level. Of course Tamar didn't have children, how could she ever trust another man after what happened with her brother? However, she needed to be somewhere so she goes to the house of her brother, it seems to make sense. He also is an interesting character in this story, I've always found his character to be fascinating, the way he says nothing to anyone and then just kills the man. I wonder if he tells Tamar what happened and she feels more grief or if she continues to just wonder if her brother believes her.

Most of the time no one believes, I know this has been my experience and it creates even more grief. How can one recover and be normal when the messages coming in are wrong? How can things be done in a manner that makes it easier to get on with things if one is constantly wondering if they are believed and if the emotions are valid. The reality is that these situations could lead to great healing but often they lead to more pain and suffering.

I wonder what really is the cause of her desolation, but I have a general idea it is the same sort of desolation I have been feeling. "I'm dead and I haven't figured it out yet" I nearly laughed when someone said that to me about themselves. I think it is definitely true in my case.

2 Samuel 13

The Rape of Tamar
1 Now David's son Absalom had a beautiful sister named Tamar. And Amnon, her half brother, fell desperately in love with her.2 Amnon became so obsessed with Tamar that he became ill. She was a virgin, and Amnon thought he could never have her.
3 But Amnon had a very crafty friend—his cousin Jonadab. He was the son of David's brother Shimea.*4 One day Jonadab said to Amnon, "What's the trouble? Why should the son of a king look so dejected morning after morning?"
So Amnon told him, "I am in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister."
5 "Well," Jonadab said, "I'll tell you what to do. Go back to bed and pretend you are ill. When your father comes to see you, ask him to let Tamar come and prepare some food for you. Tell him you'll feel better if she prepares it as you watch and feeds you with her own hands."
6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be sick. And when the king came to see him, Amnon asked him, "Please let my sister Tamar come and cook my favorite dish* as I watch. Then I can eat it from her own hands."7 So David agreed and sent Tamar to Amnon's house to prepare some food for him.
8 When Tamar arrived at Amnon's house, she went to the place where he was lying down so he could watch her mix some dough. Then she baked his favorite dish for him.9 But when she set the serving tray before him, he refused to eat. "Everyone get out of here," Amnon told his servants. So they all left.
10 Then he said to Tamar, "Now bring the food into my bedroom and feed it to me here." So Tamar took his favorite dish to him.11 But as she was feeding him, he grabbed her and demanded, "Come to bed with me, my darling sister."
12 "No, my brother!" she cried. "Don't be foolish! Don't do this to me! Such wicked things aren't done in Israel.13 Where could I go in my shame? And you would be called one of the greatest fools in Israel. Please, just speak to the king about it, and he will let you marry me."
14 But Amnon wouldn't listen to her, and since he was stronger than she was, he raped her.15 Then suddenly Amnon's love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. "Get out of here!" he snarled at her.
16 "No, no!" Tamar cried. "Sending me away now is worse than what you've already done to me."
But Amnon wouldn't listen to her.17 He shouted for his servant and demanded, "Throw this woman out, and lock the door behind her!"
18 So the servant put her out and locked the door behind her. She was wearing a long, beautiful robe,* as was the custom in those days for the king's virgin daughters.19 But now Tamar tore her robe and put ashes on her head. And then, with her face in her hands, she went away crying.
20 Her brother Absalom saw her and asked, "Is it true that Amnon has been with you? Well, my sister, keep quiet for now, since he's your brother. Don't you worry about it." So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in her brother Absalom's house.
21 When King David heard what had happened, he was very angry.*22 And though Absalom never spoke to Amnon about this, he hated Amnon deeply because of what he had done to his sister.

Absalom's Revenge on Amnon
23 Two years later, when Absalom's sheep were being sheared at Baal-hazor near Ephraim, Absalom invited all the king's sons to come to a feast.24 He went to the king and said, "My sheep-shearers are now at work. Would the king and his servants please come to celebrate the occasion with me?"
25 The king replied, "No, my son. If we all came, we would be too much of a burden on you." Absalom pressed him, but the king would not come, though he gave Absalom his blessing.
26 "Well, then," Absalom said, "if you can't come, how about sending my brother Amnon with us?"
"Why Amnon?" the king asked.27 But Absalom kept on pressing the king until he finally agreed to let all his sons attend, including Amnon. So Absalom prepared a feast fit for a king.*
28 Absalom told his men, "Wait until Amnon gets drunk; then at my signal, kill him! Don't be afraid. I'm the one who has given the command. Take courage and do it!"29 So at Absalom's signal they murdered Amnon. Then the other sons of the king jumped on their mules and fled.
30 As they were on the way back to Jerusalem, this report reached David: "Absalom has killed all the king's sons; not one is left alive!"31 The king got up, tore his robe, and threw himself on the ground. His advisers also tore their clothes in horror and sorrow.
32 But just then Jonadab, the son of David's brother Shimea, arrived and said, "No, don't believe that all the king's sons have been killed! It was only Amnon! Absalom has been plotting this ever since Amnon raped his sister Tamar.33 No, my lord the king, your sons aren't all dead! It was only Amnon."34 Meanwhile Absalom escaped.
Then the watchman on the Jerusalem wall saw a great crowd coming toward the city from the west. He ran to tell the king, "I see a crowd of people coming from the Horonaim road* along the side of the hill."
35 "Look!" Jonadab told the king. "There they are now! The king's sons are coming, just as I said."
36 They soon arrived, weeping and sobbing, and the king and all his servants wept bitterly with them.37 And David mourned many days for his son Amnon.
Absalom fled to his grandfather, Talmai son of Ammihud, the king of Geshur.38 He stayed there in Geshur for three years.39 And King David, now reconciled to Amnon's death, longed to be reunited with his son Absalom.*

A Song From My Heart...

I cannot erase the marks you left on my face, my body, and soul. I cannot escape the pain inside my head. I cannot escape the memory of what you have done. It's over, but the wounds just won't close. It's over but you're everywhere. I've been reborn, but I am still dead. I cannot escape the past nor can I escape the future. I am trapped in a present between two times. I am trapped by the plans you made, by the way you behaved. Yeah, it's over but your ghost is still here. The demons still haunt me in the night.

I guess you can't accept that I am better than you, so together you all had a crew. Together the crew abused me, but the joke's on you. Yeah, I said the joke's on you. I am more than just a girl, I am more than just this object you tried to create. I was never what you thought I was, or should be. You never saw me as I am. It's over now, and you are no longer here. I am strong and I am surviving. I am fine and you are useless.

It's over and you will never be here, you will never be inside my head again. When he holds me close, do you wish it was you? When I whisper in his ear, do you hear the words in your head? When I am standing tall, do you fall to the ground and wish you could reach me? Do you think that you won? It's over and you lose. It's over and I am still here. It's over and you may have thought you were right, you may have thought you won the test of time. You may think you are better than me, but where are you now? Can you even see? Do you even know?

Can anybody hear me? When I scream in the night, when he picks me up do you wish it was you? Do you have any idea what you did? Do you know what it felt like when you left me there, in that space and time. That place of hell. When it haunts me in my dreams, do you wish it was your arms I was reaching for? I'm no longer a child, I am no longer your child. You lost the game, it's so over.

Do you think you are good? Do you feel proud? Didn't I make you happy on your wedding day, and all you did was give me pain. Do you treat her that way? Yeah it's over and maybe she's also lost because she is stuck with you and these crazy bastards. She deserves better than this.

Do you feel powerful? Do you feel important? You used your influence to kill your own child! The game is up though and in the end you only killed yourself. When he's standing with me and we're running the world do you wish you were there? When he kisses my lips do you wish you could see? Remember when you used to ask me stuff like that? When he holds me close and wipes the tears away do you wish it was you? You fucking bitch, I will never again think of you.

And what of the church? What of this sacred place, a place that is supposed to be a safe haven. Where we touch God? What do you think God thinks of you now. You think you are so mighty, but it's over and God is coming. Do you think he will tolerate how you fucked up the life of one of his own? What gave you the right? Yeah, the game is over and he's coming to collect. When my head is anointed do you wish it was for you?

Yeah it's over and you lose. I win the game, I have the most powerful weapon ever. I have the best laid plans, the best revenge. Judgment is with me, it's mine and you've lost the game. Love, Honor, Cherish, these words mean nothing to you, but they are the lifeblood. They are what wins the war in the end. You love to hate me, you love to rule me, you love to not even know me. You get your wish, I am gone, but remember babies the game is over and you have all lost. In the end you have lost the battle and the war. The songs are playing, and I am lifted high. I am in a better space and I am safe. You will always run and hide. You will always find the wolf knocking at your door and the world so cold. It's over daddy and I'm never coming home. It's over you fucking bitch you made your bed now lie in it. It's over you rat bastard brother of mine...maybe next time you'll think. Last of all you fucking prick, you're the last to know how much you've really lost. Maybe you will never know.

As to the church, they too have lost. It's not my battle, but in the end they will get theirs as well. It's over babies, it is so over and guess where you go? Guess where you belong. When I'm on the yacht and in the maserati, guess where you will be? When I am standing tall and my friends are with me, where will you be? You who left me, you who screwed me, yeah babies it is so over and you have so lost the game. You will be dead on the sidewalk missing me and wondering what I am doing. Yeah it's over, and you are not here so get the fuck out of my head.

Take your memories, take your demons, take your God and get out of my head. Get off my body, and out of my mind and soul. Leave me be, make sure the door doesn't hit you on the way out. Yeah baby, it's over. So over, and you will never again have the status you had. Does it feel good to know where you've gone? Does it feel good to see what you've done. I may be shattered but it's only a winterized state, soon I will be more powerful than ever and where will you be?

Crushed under my heels, oh it's over and you will never again rise up. You've lost the game, and believe me you will never again be around to abuse me. It's over baby so please get out of my way. Let me be and don't try to interfere. You've lost the war now go back to the battle lines.

It's over, it's so over, you have lost and I have won. Always remember that you could have had me, you could have had it all. Remember me when we are ruling the world and you are a bottom feeder, remember what I offered you and you refused. Remember me, when I'm at the top and no one cares who you were. Remember me, because it's over.

Old School Politics

In the old days everything had a protocol and in this sense politics ran the world. This is still largely true, there are protocols for how to love, how to kill, how to work, etc. There are even protocols for war that have been written. I find it really challenging sometimes to keep everything straight. There are protocols for exits and entrances. Last night, one very near and dear to my heart returned. The entrance was a few days in the works and rather strange at best. I always knew he'd return, the fact of the matter is he can't leave me even when he wants to. Perhaps this is what bothers him about us. It is a strange dance but we still have to do it I guess. I keep trying to change the steps, maybe someday I will be able to. He told me I have never been more beautiful than I am now and I can say whatever I need to say. I think that's really very nice. I hope that things will be different now, I spoke to a friend of mine from college today about how I wish things could be different in my life. He's the one who got away so to speak, I don't think he's aware of that and anyway it doesn't matter because this other one that has returned took over many moons ago. There is always something happening in the world that makes me wonder what's going on. This is one of them, things seem to be turning around slightly and I hope they will continue to do so. I am a little bit concerned about the fact that some areas seem to be turning all at the same time. I shouldn't complain though at least they are turning the correct direction.

Everything I need to know about life I learned from M

I met M when I was a child. I forget the precise date, I wish I could forget the incident, but it is forever seared into my memory. It is just one of those things that you can't forget. At that moment a number of things became clear to me, including some of the things that would happen to me in the future.

I was a 10 year old child, I got one of those fancy swimsuits, the style of the day were to have these stupid zippers down the font of them. I thought it was so cool, and I was already a C cup so I pretty well filled it out. I really enjoyed that the suit had these bright colors on it. What can I say, I had a fashion sense even then. Anyway, this was the wrong kind of suit for me as it would turn out. My dad took my brother, myself, and a friend of my brother's swimming at this pool in town. Little did I know that M was there or what events would unfold. I was swimming peacefully in the pool and got up to get out of the pool to go to the bathroom. Unbeknownst to me, but very well noticed by M, my brother's friend had unzipped my suit. There was I was hanging out, full C cup...drenched in the water. I wanted to die. I came up out of the pool and right about the same place that M was.

Feeling this desire to just die on the spot because I knew very well who he was, I couldn't really say anything. He said it all though, he zipped up the suit and said "Remember, it's all mental. The game is ALL in your head and that's true of life as well." He then proceeded to chastize my brother's friend quite severely for the incident. My brother knowing who M was, was very embarrassed. I was for them as well. M then addressed me and said to play hard or go home. I went back to swimming.

I've since been able to follow his athletic career and read various interviews of him and have been able to glean other pearls of wisdom over the years. Everything I needed to know about life I learned from M and a Kenny Rogers song.