Moving forward?

I am trying to move forward as a new decade comes into being, a new decade in which I will turn 40 and I don't wish to continually be plagued with the sufferings of the past. So, it is my hope that I will be reunited with my children in the coming year, that I will be able to find peace with myself, and that I can find the freedom I so desperately need. Freedom from what you might ask?

One of the first reactions I got when I said I wanted to convert was, "You know you will have to give up your family" My reply to this was, "Thank God where do I sign" the Frumie who said this to me I guarantee you this did NOT expect that answer!

I have been trying to find freedom from the bondage I have been in to the events of 2007, and I thought I could do it by asking for explanations. I have had people give me a hard time regarding my lack of relationship with my mother, however I asked my mother for an apology and have yet to get one. Now I ask for an explanation and I get "Rebecca, out of my deep and abiding love for you, I do not answer Love, Mom" Needless to say this is vindication to me that I was never part of my birth family, and I seek freedom from these people and their bullshit.

Partly what attracts me to Judaism is that I have very little prior connection to it, so it is a place I have the freedom to invent myself and be myself without fear of the past coming back to haunt me. It gives me the chance to connect with my past in positive ways for my future and to shed the aspects of myself that aren't really mine. In a sense it gives me back my humanity and dignity with the way life is held so high, and humanity and dignity. Where else do you find it written that our mission is to repair the world, or if you save a life you save the world and if you destroy a life you destroy the world? No other sacred texts say things like this. I find this to be very beautiful and I only hope that my addition to the nation someday will honor it and allow this mission to have a great ability to do this.

My goals for the next decade are the following, and in no particular order.

I want to live a happy life free of the burdens from the past and the demons that now haunt me.
I want to expand my family both by being reunited with my children that I miss terribly and that I know miss me, but also by adding children to my family.
I want to go to graduate school and find degrees that compliment my background and experience, while allowing me to pursue my ultimate goal of becoming a professor.
I would like to become a professor this decade.
I would like to have my new family formed and around me, and to not have any interactions with former family members that betrayed my children and myself.
I want to finalize my conversion to Judaism this decade.
I want to publish my book about my divorce.
Last, but not least I want the American dream of a house and dogs, with my husband and to continue to nurture and enrich our relationship. He's so perfect it scares me sometimes.

I have been so blessed to be embraced by this community and by some members of my former community that value me. I want to resolve my identity issues and the other issues I have now because of the damage done to my soul, and if possible I want to heal my soul. I want healing for my children as well of course, but I can't heal their wounds no matter how hard I try.

I am working on revising my book and I may or may not post excerpts in the future for feedback. I am afraid to open my life up again.

Shalom from Brooklyn....M-I