Armon Israel

November

2010-11-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

Wow, I can't believe it has been 11 months since my last blog post. More than that really. Today I completed the Book of Our Heritage series and I feel wonderful about having completed that. I found the series to be rather challenging on a number of levels, and that adds to the greatness of the accomplishment. Mostly I am happy I completed it because I am able to now have a better understanding of the history behind cultural traditions, prayers, and other such things. I enjoy all of these things, and I especially enjoy them as it comes to traditions I wish to make my own. I am going to attempt to post here far more often than I have been, as I am now also maintaining a professional blog and I think that this blog can be a nice complement to that...assuming I still have a readership and that people are still interested in the personal topics I blog on, and/or any political content I may decide to add.

Speaking of politics, how about that election? I can't wait for Obama to get out of the White House!

Happy New Year?

2010-01-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to me right? I received a phone call today asking me to go and look at my Facebook wall, and low and behold a post from my ex-husband's mother, where she said the following, "Rebecca please stop your constant harassing calls to your ex and to our neighbors. Your calls are doing you no good. Your children are not being kept from speaking to you. The children have told us under no pressure that they do not want to talk to you. That is their choice. You need to honor their request putting... their desires above your needs. Respectfully, Helen"

To Which I replied with the below quoted reply. Of course I wanted to address that there is no respect intended in her reply, nor does she really have a clue about what she is speaking. One divorces spouses not children. Furthermore the children will tell people whatever they think the person wants to hear. I reported the incident to Facebook as cyberbullying and threatening/abusive behavior.

"Helen please stop harassing me, as I have done nothing to you but be nice and kind. I don't appreciate you make you accusations that are unfounded, and I would appreciate it if you would stay out of things that don't involve you, or would at least have the courtesy to answer the phone when I call."

Moving forward?

2009-12-28T12:39:00.000-08:00

I am trying to move forward as a new decade comes into being, a new decade in which I will turn 40 and I don't wish to continually be plagued with the sufferings of the past. So, it is my hope that I will be reunited with my children in the coming year, that I will be able to find peace with myself, and that I can find the freedom I so desperately need. Freedom from what you might ask?

One of the first reactions I got when I said I wanted to convert was, "You know you will have to give up your family" My reply to this was, "Thank God where do I sign" the Frumie who said this to me I guarantee you this did NOT expect that answer!

I have been trying to find freedom from the bondage I have been in to the events of 2007, and I thought I could do it by asking for explanations. I have had people give me a hard time regarding my lack of relationship with my mother, however I asked my mother for an apology and have yet to get one. Now I ask for an explanation and I get "Rebecca, out of my deep and abiding love for you, I do not answer Love, Mom" Needless to say this is vindication to me that I was never part of my birth family, and I seek freedom from these people and their bullshit.

Partly what attracts me to Judaism is that I have very little prior connection to it, so it is a place I have the freedom to invent myself and be myself without fear of the past coming back to haunt me. It gives me the chance to connect with my past in positive ways for my future and to shed the aspects of myself that aren't really mine. In a sense it gives me back my humanity and dignity with the way life is held so high, and humanity and dignity. Where else do you find it written that our mission is to repair the world, or if you save a life you save the world and if you destroy a life you destroy the world? No other sacred texts say things like this. I find this to be very beautiful and I only hope that my addition to the nation someday will honor it and allow this mission to have a great ability to do this.

My goals for the next decade are the following, and in no particular order.

I want to live a happy life free of the burdens from the past and the demons that now haunt me.
I want to expand my family both by being reunited with my children that I miss terribly and that I know miss me, but also by adding children to my family.
I want to go to graduate school and find degrees that compliment my background and experience, while allowing me to pursue my ultimate goal of becoming a professor.
I would like to become a professor this decade.
I would like to have my new family formed and around me, and to not have any interactions with former family members that betrayed my children and myself.
I want to finalize my conversion to Judaism this decade.
I want to publish my book about my divorce.
Last, but not least I want the American dream of a house and dogs, with my husband and to continue to nurture and enrich our relationship. He's so perfect it scares me sometimes.

I have been so blessed to be embraced by this community and by some members of my former community that value me. I want to resolve my identity issues and the other issues I have now because of the damage done to my soul, and if possible I want to heal my soul. I want healing for my children as well of course, but I can't heal their wounds no matter how hard I try.

I am working on revising my book and I may or may not post excerpts in the future for feedback. I am afraid to open my life up again.

Shalom from Brooklyn....M-I

Fall

2009-11-10T23:24:00.001-08:00

I find it hard to believe winter is on the way again, much closer than we think it is really. Oddly enough I have chosen this time to recreate myself, and am praying fervently for success. I feel like a complete failure as I sit here writing this post, after all it is an obscene hour here and I should be sleeping. I had a great job interview last week for a day job that I could do while working on getmearealjob.com and my own Mary Kay business. However, as is the story of my professional life, due to budget cuts the position can no longer be filled.

There are additional problems to be addressed of course, there always are and I am so very tired. I want some normalcy, I know that is asking for too much but I really want to live a quiet life where I can feel safe and know that there will be enough money to survive, I don't have to be extravagant, but I would like to have my kids back, and a house, and a dog or maybe 2 dogs they seem to be like children in that they do much better with another being of their own kind.

I don't know what to do with these challenges as nothing seems to curb my anxiety. Sometimes I feel as if I will die if the anxiety doesn't disipate, and sometimes I feel as if I am already dead and gone. I feel 900 years old most days....life is good don't get me wrong, but I don't understand why everything must be so challenging.

2009-10-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

Wow, has it really been 2 months since I last posted? I guess I rarely have anything to say anymore. I want to file a lawsuit but am having trouble getting a lawyer to take the case. It's just a crazy time I guess.

Well since the last post here I have gotten married and fall is upon us. Fall is a time of year I have always despised. It is great because of the colors etc, however I hate it because of the fact that it leads to winter and the reminders of winter are all around us. I moved here hoping that things would be very different than they are, although they are decent and I can't complain too much there are areas where it is just not up to snuff. I am trying to fix that of course, but who knows. Additionally, I am looking at going back to school.

2009-08-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been so long since my last post. So much has happened since that last post! For those of you that are wondering what happened at the airport he did in fact show up, despite my complete terror that he would not show up at all. I had convinced myself that he wasn't going to show up and I was trying to figure out how I would explain to my friends why he didn't show up. That's because of the history we share of course. Anyway, he came in for the weekend and decided he couldn't leave me and we are getting married.

This brings me to the next part of my post and the primary reason that I have for posting. We met on Tuesday with our conversion tutor for the first time. Hopefully she'll be able to work with us, she was very nice and really appreciated where we were coming from, and she and I hit it off a lot which is fantastic because so few women seem to hit it off with me in my life.

We weren't exactly sure what to expect but it was a really great visit, and things seem to be moving along nicely on the topic, although we still have a lot of questions about what we want to do that will need to be answered in time, it is so early that it is difficult for things to be worked out.

Reunion

2009-05-29T11:58:00.001-07:00

In a few hours I will be going to the airport to pick up the greatest love I have ever known. This is a reunion that has been 10 years in the making at least, I think maybe even more than that and I find myself strangely calm and also strangely terrified. I told him that his being a non-Jew will seriously fuck up the plans I am making for my own life if we decide to have a relationship, so he said he would be willing to convert and started reading about all kinds of Jewish topics. I was really surprised by that, but then again he says I am the love of his life and he came back from the desert just for me.

Conversion

2009-05-23T16:59:00.001-07:00

Last night I had an awful conversation with a former? friend of mine....about my decision to convert. I called my friend, we'll call him M out of respect for his privacy. I told him I was calling to check and see if he was OK because apparently his phone had been off as had been reported to me by some people. He proceeded to tell me he will pray for my soul, I am going to Hell, I am denying Jesus, and a bunch of other crap. We ended up in an argument, and things will be rocky I can see from here on out.

I first heard the word conversion in 1995. I had always felt Jewish, but I had no idea that one could become a Jew even though one wasn't born a Jew until 1995, and the idea was interesting to say the least although at the time I felt fine the way I was. I wanted to make sure that I wanted to be in a religion for the right reasons.

Now that I have made these decisions I would really appreciate it if people who know nothing about either my former or hopefully soon new religion will back off.

2009-05-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

Things I wish people would say to me when they discover I am converting. Sometimes people do say these things to me, and sometimes they say even nicer things to me. This list goes with the rude comments list, and I have debated expanding it, but I have since decided that 18 being the number of life I'd either need to add another 18 or I'd risk ruining the karma of it. So at this point I am going to leave it alone. By far my favorite is when I am told someone thought I was Jewish already, it makes my entire day...or when I get told I sound like a true Jew. My friend apparently has another suggestion as to a rabbi I can work with so we'll see what happens.

1. You'll be a wonderful asset to our community, I thought you were Jewish already.
2. Isn't it nice that you have the freedom to choose who you want to be?
3. How nice that you find Judaism so comforting and our beliefs so compatible with your spiritual path.
4. Do you have any questions that I can answer for you?
5. It would be my pleasure to help you in your transition in any way I can.
6. Welcome to the neighborhood it's nice you feel included here, let us know if there's anything we can do.
7. You'll have to come over sometime, you know it is forbidden to insult/embarrass a convert, and commanded to love them.
8. Everyone knows converts don't have family, we'd be honored to have you as part of ours for now.
9. I'm glad to see that you have had such a positive experience with the Chassidic community and other communities.
10. You should read some about (these issues and people) I think you'd really enjoy it.
11. Your great-grandmother must be so proud that you decided to return to Judaism (ok she's also long since dead, but still this would be so nice).
12. What can I do to help you build your Jewish family and community?
13. I know some really great kosher stores/restaurants.
14. There's (insert an event here) you might be interested in, it is commemorating this (observance explanation) and there will be lots of people there for you to meet.
15. It's wonderful that you feel Orthodoxy is where your heart is.
16. My name is....it's very nice to meet you.
17. Thank you for answering my rude and annoying questions. I don't mean to be intrusive I am just curious.
18. Would you mind discussing your story with me?

I am stopping at 18 because 18 is the number of life, but I could go on and on.

2009-05-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

OK, I am making an attempt to condense this series of commentaries into a smaller group, because there are other topics I want to talk about, like the funk I am in right now. So here is my attempt at pairing this down. It may take another post, I am not sure.

9. What motivated you to want to convert?

This sort of goes along with the why do you want to convert and as such isn't rude by itself. Usually when I find this rude it has to do with the context that it has been brought up in. I also get sick and tired of discussing my motivations. I don't feel that I should have to explain my story over and over and over again. I mean I can understand why it is interesting to someone, but at the same time it tends to annoy me.

10. What are the best fast food restaurants?

This annoys me because there is so much more to life than fast food restaurants.

11. What does pork taste like?

How does one really explain this to anyone? I mean pork tastes like pork, and frankly I think it tastes disgusting...ask my better half I have never been a fan of pork.

12. What do you mean you DON'T want to get married?

Wow, why does my life need to be approved by other people? This question is always rude to me, I don't feel the need to get married again, and in fact in Judaism it is the men that are required to get married and have babies, and the women do them a favor by facilitating this. Since I can't have babies what is the point really in my getting married? I know that in this society there are hardly any single women, but really give me a break.

13. You know that you will never be a REAL Jew right?

I am not sure anyone knows what a REAL Jew is...this seems to be the million dollar question!

14. No one will ever accept you, so just be aware you will never be a real member of the community.

I know my friend that said this to me was just trying to warn me, but it strikes me as strange that I wouldn't ever be accepted. No one seems to think I am anything but Jewish.

15. Why are you even asking that question no one knows the answer and no one cares.

I think people should know the answers to my questions and should care. When I ask questions that are thought provoking, there's only few people I ask questions to because most of the time that I ask questions I get told that these things aren't of importance, but you see they are of importance.

16. Why did you grandfather marry out, what does he think about you converting? (he died in 1991 I doubt he thinks anything, and he wouldn't approve anyway).

All these family questions become rude after a while. I mean why should I live my life based on what other people say/think?

17. What does your family say about this?

See above.

18. What will Jesus say about this? (Welcome home my child, after all he was an Orthodox Jew and it's just one Jew to another right?)

This is rude on so many levels it is comical to me to even think about...and I've said all I can say about it in the parentheses next to it. I mean, what difference does it really make? What would Jesus say about what His church did to me anyway? Someone explain that one!

19. I am not ready for you to make this change.

I never know how to take this one. Why should I worry about someone being ready for me to make a change or not? I mean I need to make good decisions for me, not for someone else.

20. Why would you want to be Jewish we are one of the most hated people in the world?

Maybe this is exactly why I want to become Jewish? Because of 20 and 21...Maybe it is because of the history of the Jewish people that I feel I fit in with, or maybe it is because I find refuge in realizing I am not the only one to have been abused by society? Who better to understand persecution and suffering than the Jewish people....being the most hated is sometimes a good thing.

21. You do realize people are always trying to kill or otherwise persecute the Jews right?

This is rude because it annoys me. Throughout history lots of people have been persecuted and killed for lots of different tribal affiliations, or religious reasons. I find this sort of chafes me a little bit, but I say see above.

22. You're pronouncing everything wrong and going about this all wrong!

This is particularly rude to me when it is said by a non-Jew, at least a Jew I don't mind the correction from. I do hate being told I am going about things the wrong way.

23. You were attending a Chassidic synagogue why?

23 and 24 go together in my rude comments because they are both about Chassids. I hate being challenged about the fact that I was going to a Chassidic synagogue. I needed a place to be, I needed the freedom to be me, and I needed a new family and I found that in the Chassidic community, so what is the big deal? Why is it such a problem that I went to a Chassidic synagogue? They're not freaks or anything, in fact they are very loving people, in my case anyway.

24. Don't you know the Chassids are mean and nasty people?

This comment is evidently made by people that didn't meet the Chassids I have met. I don't understand this comment, but I find it rude because it is insulting to my new family that I forged for myself, and it is patently false in my own experience.

25. Why don't you move to a community that has more converts you'd have more friends and feel more at home there.

These two, 25 and 26 are rude because it is other people making decisions about where I'd feel comfortable and at home. I feel that I am the only one who can make that determination for myself.

26. You want to become Orthodox, I think you'd be more comfortable as Reform or Conservative like I am. (interesting how would someone else be qualified to make that judgment).

See above.

27. You go to Sephardi services, you realize they beat their wives every day and they don't accept converts or even Jews that aren't Sephardi right?

I don't think it is nice to make these kinds of comments about a group in general. Even if they don't accept converts they have a beautiful service and were friendlier to me than the Ashkenazim here.

28. What does your father think about this, I mean he is a pastor isn't he upset?

See # 16.

29. How does your mother feel about you converting?

See #16.

30. Are you related to so-n-so? (No, I have no idea who those people are stop asking me, by the way are you related to....the bingo playing must stop..no Dutch bingo and no Jewish Bingo thank you...this is a BINGO free zone).

I hate game playing, what is the need to relate everyone to someone else?

31. I know the perfect guy for you....

Let me guess he'll beat me every day or worse?

32. Does your future second husband wear a black hat and peyos?

I didn't think there was a second husband coming in the horizon.

33. You know your husband will only have sex with you through a hole in the sheet.

Evidently people think I will be marrying a Satmar, I hear they use a hole in the sheet but evidently no one else does.

34. What do you mean you won't touch your husband in public and he won't touch you?

Since I don't menstruate anymore, I am not sure how this work...but non-Jews seem to not understand the lack of touching.

35. You mean you won't hug your father, brother, cousins, uncles etc?

Yes, I hate being touched, and I don't want people in my personal space.

36. What do you mean you won't be eating in my house anymore?

This is said by non-Jews who don't understand. It makes me feel bad because it makes me feel like I am making them feel bad.

37. You know if you can't eat in my house there will be no point in having you over.

Why not just let me bring my own food...or food for all of us? What a strange concept that there's no point in having me over :(

38. You know my rabbi told me such and such, so you will have to do all these things too.

Ask for an opinion you'll get at least 5. Just because there was one standard doesn't mean there is always a standard.

39. You know you will have to cover your hair if you become Orthodox.

First of all this makes me laugh because this is said as if all Orthodox women cover their hair, and only married women do this and even then not all married women do because it is not a cut and dry issue. I am never sure what someone means by saying this. It seems to me to be patently ridiculous.

40. I think you should reconsider my experience and use it more as a guide for what yours will be. (Right because we are all robots)

Judaism is like a chocolate cake, every layer is deeper and better. I said this to my rabbi in Michigan once and he loved it. I find it kind of amusing that someone would think that their experience could guide me. Is it true that everyone looks at Judaism the way I do? I am like a big kid. If that's the case than sure bring on your experience, if not leave it at the door!

41. You know Judaism doesn't encourage converts.

This seems to imply that I don't know how to do research.

42. Well I think that is a dangerous statement, but coming from you it is probably true.

This is from the same rabbi who asked me all about my praying and Abraham. I personally think saying anything is a dangerous statement unless it IS a dangerous statement is ridiculous. My claiming my heritage is not dangerous to anyone, last time I checked.

2009-05-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

5. How can you stand being with people that think women are inferior?

This is rude on so many levels I can't even begin to make an accurate commentary. First of all it is rude because it assumes that ALL Orthodox Jews believe women are inferior. Whereas I am willing to agree that SOME do believe that women are inferior, certainly not all do. In fact, SOME non-Jewish people also believe women to be inferior.

Second it is rude because it is clearly an indication that someone lacks an understanding of Orthodox tradition and wants to project their own opinion onto the situation. I am a big proponent of learning about a cultural tradition and then examining it within context. This doesn't apply to things that are really dangerous to people. However, things like why women and men pray separately are rather innocuous issues that can be examined from within right? At least take the time to find out what the background is instead of making a generalized statement about the background etc.

Thirdly it is rude because it assumes that I don't know what I am doing. Frankly I believe men and women are equal but different. I am not a man, some things men do better than me, some things I do better than men. They're just different. I don't want to be a man and I don't think a man wants to be me either.

Additionally, I just find it rude to throw things out there like women being inferior, what are they supposed to be superior? Does pure equality actually exist? Even in Judaism there isn't real equality in fact women are spiritually HIGHER than men in Judaism.....but right women are inferior...strange idea this is.

6. How do you deal with not being a descendant of Abraham yet when you say OUR prayers?

This is also SO rude I can't begin to comment about it. I find it interesting that Jews, Christians, and Muslims all claim their ancestor is Abraham, but somehow I am not a descendant and not allowed to claim to be, and not allowed to share in the prayers, and not allowed to....again strange idea obviously born out of ignorance, too bad it was a rabbi that first said it to me.

7. Are you comfortable with the OUR G-D language, how do you deal with it being OUR G-D?

Same rabbi, can someone tell me when Jews, Christians, and Muslims decided to worship different gods? I was raised that there is one true God, and it was the same God mentioned in the OT. Strange idea that this man has isn't it, that it would be a different God....hence I am using the word with all the letters in it for this commentary.

8. What makes you so sure this is a good decision for you?

This is rude because it implies that my judgment is so poor I am unable to make good decisions for me, but also because it implies that it is a decision. Alas my better half put it the other day "You were always a Jew...." this is a true and accurate statement and it captures the issue as it is. This isn't a decision, I even object to the whole Jewish by Choice phrase. It's not a choice. It is what my soul requires of me.

2009-05-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

1. Are you going to convert your children with you? (they don't even live with me so how is this an issue)

This is one of those questions that isn't rude on the face, but is rude depending on the context. The reality is you can't force someone else to convert, even a child. If my children do end up living with me at some point I will expect them to respect my new way of life and to be exposed to it, but whether to convert or not I will expect them to make their own decisions about that when they are old enough to understand it.

2. You do know there are beliefs associated with Judaism?

Again, this is another question that isn't rude on its face, but is rude depending on the context. This is a question that annoys me, because it seems to me that it is obvious that there are beliefs associated with Judaism. After all Judaism is a religion, and supposedly the ancestor to my former religion of Christianity. Thus it would make sense that there are beliefs associated with Judaism.

3. Can I eat in your house still?

This is a question I get asked by non-Jews quite often and it has a sister question that comes later in the list. I think that it is a rude question because it implies that I would suddenly only socialize with Jewish people. Whereas my preference is to socialize with Jews, I am not going to leave my non-Jewish friends out in the cold so to speak. I fully expect them to come to my house and eat for example.

4. Will you still be able to go the movies?

I am becoming Jewish not Amish. This whole idea that I would stop going to movies is a bit ridiculous. Jewish people not only star in movies, but they do attend movies as well. I am not giving up modern life, I am just changing the life I am leading.

Stay tuned for other commentaries on the rude comments that have been made to me and my wish list so to speak. It is highly likely that in my book there will be more detailed comments about these things, as I am using this time to get my grounding so to speak.

Update

2009-05-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

First of all I am happy to report that I have come up with a title for the book detailing the story of my conversion, and I am eagerly awaiting the call from the rabbi telling me he has someone for me to study with. Hopefully this will happen in the near future.

Secondly, I have decided that as part of my book I would like to address the comments in the previous post and then have my own commentary, more detailed etc. about those statements. I plan to give each comment it's own post in order to get my clear head around the topic. To this end I have also gotten other questions, not rude questions mind you, but just other questions that I will be addressing here as well with the full purpose of including them in my book. Most likely I will give them titles that then relate to the book, unlike my first post about the book called notes for the future because I wanted to remember these things. Also I will include a list of things I wish people would say, I actually wrote one but I might change it up a bit when I am done fleshing out my comments about the rude things people say.

I think my book should include a lot about the experiences I have, the people I meet, the questions I am asked, and also a bit about the things that I think about. In addition of course to the motivational factors and the biographical ones that will be included by necessity. Some of these things are inspired by other things I have read, and by this I mean books that I have read. I will include those here as well. I am not looking to make a huge treatise out of my book but the more material I have the more I can work with.

On the topic of my already written book regarding the unfortunate events of the last few years, I have secured an editor now I just need to secure funding resources. This is temporarily on the back burner as I am trying to secure a few other things in my life right now.

So there you have my blog preview. I don't know how many days or how many posts a day or whatever it will take, but it'll work out very nicely.

Rude Comments

2009-05-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

I am putting this post here for inclusion in my future book on conversion. I have previously done posts that I am doing with the sole purpose of inclusion in such a book, and I will continue to do so in the future. Comments are welcome though if anyone sees fit.

1. Are you going to convert your children with you? (they don't even live with me so how is this an issue)
2. You do know there are beliefs associated with Judaism?
3. Can I eat in your house still?
4. Will you still be able to go the movies?
5. How can you stand being with people that think women are inferior?
6. How do you deal with not being a descendant of Abraham yet when you say OUR prayers?
7. Are you comfortable with the OUR G-D language, how do you deal with it being OUR G-D?
8. What makes you so sure this is a good decision for you?
9. What motivated you to want to convert?
10. What are the best fast food restaurants?
11. What does pork taste like?
12. What do you mean you DON'T want to get married?
13. You know that you will never be a REAL Jew right?
14. No one will ever accept you, so just be aware you will never be a real member of the community.
15. Why are you even asking that question no one knows the answer and no one cares.
16. Why did you grandfather marry out, what does he think about you converting? (he died in 1991 I doubt he thinks anything, and he wouldn't approve anyway).
17. What does your family say about this?
18. What will Jesus say about this? (Welcome home my child, after all he was an Orthodox Jew and it's just one Jew to another right?)
19. I am not ready for you to make this change.
20. Why would you want to be Jewish we are one of the most hated people in the world?
21. You do realize people are always trying to kill or otherwise persecute the Jews right?
22. You're pronouncing everything wrong and going about this all wrong!
23. You were attending a Chassidic synagogue why?
24. Don't you know the Chassids are mean and nasty people?
25. Why don't you move to a community that has more converts you'd have more friends and feel more at home there.
26. You want to become Orthodox, I think you'd be more comfortable as Reform or Conservative like I am. (interesting how would someone else be qualified to make that judgment).
27. You go to Sephardi services, you realize they beat their wives every day and they don't accept converts or even Jews that aren't Sephardi right?
28. What does your father think about this, I mean he is a pastor isn't he upset?
29. How does your mother feel about you converting?
30. Are you related to so-n-so? (No, I have no idea who those people are stop asking me, by the way are you related to....the bingo playing must stop..no Dutch bingo and no Jewish Bingo thank you...this is a BINGO free zone).
31. I know the perfect guy for you....
32. Does your future second husband wear a black hat and peyos?
33. You know your husband will only have sex with you through a hole in the sheet.
34. What do you mean you won't touch your husband in public and he won't touch you?
35. You mean you won't hug your father, brother, cousins, uncles etc?
36. What do you mean you won't be eating in my house anymore?
37. You know if you can't eat in my house there will be no point in having you over.
38. You know my rabbi told me such and such, so you will have to do all these things too.
39. You know you will have to cover your hair if you become Orthodox.
40. I think you should reconsider my experience and use it more as a guide for what yours will be. (Right because we are all robots)
41. You know Judaism doesn't encourage converts.
42. Well I think that is a dangerous statement, but coming from you it is probably true.

A day in the life

2009-05-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

I'm contemplating a typical day in my life so that I can have something to say on the topic. I am also thinking about what kind of political topics to cover, as there are so many things that can be addressed just in this week's news alone. I want so many things to be different in my life, and yet so many things are really great right now. I don't know what to write about, but I will try and start writing again soon.

Southland Tales By Request

2009-04-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

If you plan to see the movie but you haven't yet for some reason or another, be sure to read no further into this post. If you've seen it, or don't plan to see it then you can feel free to read these words.

A long time ago now, my dear friend called me and asked me about the movie Southland Tales. I was unable to get a copy of it at the time and it wasn't playing in any of the theaters near me, so I promised that if I were able to watch it in the future I would. A few days ago I noticed that it was on one of the on demand channels I get with my cable, and so I asked if my opinion was still requested. It was, and this brings me to this post.

First of all, this movie is important to you my friend because it is like a political nightmare! It was suggested that we are every character in our dreams, and on some level you are every character in this movie, and I will try to explain that a little more. Also, this movie deals with political conflicts and what happens when one side gets too much power. This is also something you have been fascinated with for quite some time.

In addition to the character themes that I will address, there is also that this movie has a lot to do with human relationships. I can't speak to your relationship with all humans, I can only speak to my insight from my relationship with you and from what you have told me about your relationships with others.

All the people in this movie are broken and in broken relationships with each other. When I met you in 1996 I was rather broken, and perhaps you were too. I am not ready to say our relationship was broken, but maybe it was. This is something you've always felt passionately about, you want to have healthy relationships with people. Before you were diagnosed you didn't know how to do that, and I think you are still learning.

Another aspect of this movie is the need for forgiveness of oneself and others. The one character, Roland actually says to himself I forgive you. That's a very moving moment, and I am sure for you it was amazing because you are unable to forgive yourself. Do you remember what you said to me when I came to L.A.? You take on guilt even for things that have nothing to do with you. You need to learn to forgive yourself and move forward. Everyone goes through difficult times in life, what makes or breaks a person is what one does in response to those times. You have always risen above those challenges. It is important that you continue to rise above things, but you will rise higher if you can forgive yourself for whatever sins you feel you have committed, and even way back to your childhood.

The individual characters in this movie are all struggling to cope with the brokenness that they have created in society and that society has created for them. This movie is about a war for the soul of the country and for the individual. It is a recognition of what happens if things are done to one extreme and without thought for the consequences. Boxer has problems because of this, although he tries to overcome it. Roland is the same way, Madeline and Kristin or whatever her name was area also that way. Frost is a power hungry maniac and his wife isn't much better. The neomarxists are really wacko. No one wants to work with each other or do something useful for the country it is all about causing problems and bringing people down into the brokenness with them.

You strive to go through your broken times alone, but you need people to come into that brokenness to bring you back up. You do your best to shut out the world, whereas these people do their best to spread their brokenness wherever they can. You do your best to keep the world from bringing you down, and they do their best to bring down the world, even in their own different ways.

It is a cautionary tale, and of course you love those, but these characters are all distraught as you have been, and maybe still are. You have a lot of healing left to do and I pray every night that someday you will complete the healing that you need. You were rocked to the core the last several years and I am sorry that I haven't been able to do more for you.

This movie was also weird, it was like a train wreck in a lot of ways. I couldn't look away but it was so bizarre. I think this is another reason it is so powerful to you, you feel that way about yourself. You feel that your life is a train wreck but you can't look away. You feel a lot of things about your life that I will never understand nor agree with, but they are your feelings and as such I will cherish them.

Southland Tales is a movie that you can relate to because it is almost as if your head was used as the inspiration. These are scenarios you think about, characters you could have written out of your own life, and just enough Dr. Who themes to satisfy the junkie that I know is in you.

I hope this helps, this is a little more simplistic than I had envisioned my post on this topic would be, but I am a little bit tired and I can't clearly concentrate on this at present. Please call me or something if you have additional questions and I will try to expound upon it.

Til then, I love you always. Watch the video.

Sleepless in Brooklyn

2009-04-08T00:46:00.000-07:00

So here it is 347am and I am awake and blogging. How strange really. I will conclude my post with a video that I hope will entertain the rest of you as much as it entertains me. My favorite holiday starts tonight and it has given me a lot of things to think about. First of all, if you don't already know my favorite holiday is Passover, and if you need an explanation of it Chabad has a fantastic explanation of everything really.

A friend of mine once told me that the reason it is called Mitzrayim is because Egypt was oppressive in more than one way. I have touched on this a few times in previous posts, but that is only because I find it to be very profound. Especially the last couple of Passovers. I have been trying to leave Mitzrayim only to have it continually find me.

I began celebrating (Yes, celebrating) Passover when I was a child and I was invited to seders by Jewish friends. I was always amazed at the beauty of this story and at the holiday's rituals. I was exhausted of course because the seders lasted until about this time of morning that I am writing at, and it was a lot to sit through as a child. I never dreamed I'd be able to take on these traditions for myself. I had no idea there was such a thing as a convert then. I was also unaware of my oppression as a child. That awakening happened much later in my life.

The first inclining I had of my own oppression came with the pressure to have a confirmation. I really didn't want to have one, but I understood the importance of doing this and I knew there'd be no way out. For a while I was the only child in my family to go to church, now I am the only one NOT to go to church. Course there are only two of us, so that's no big deal.

My oppression came full circle onto my head during my divorce and the years leading up to it. Now I am plagued with having to deal with my ex-husband, but that thankfully has been resolved, and with dealings with my family. I think that this has a few layers of oppression because people seem to misunderstand that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I can forgive, but I don't want to go back into the oppressive roles that were once present. I want to live life as a free person. I recognize that I will most likely never be able to do that with these people in my life given everything that they put me through.

I love Passover even though it is family oriented because I love the way G-d is portrayed in the story. G-d is really an awesome figure in the story, and so is Moses by the way. It is a beautiful story about how G-d uses people and releases us from oppression, and how we can live free lives despite all the oppression we've been through. However, the holiday lets me down a little bit by not discussing how peace is made with these things. Peace seems to be noticeably absent from the accounts of the Exodus. People are grumpy and the like, even wind up with a golden calf because people can't wait for G-d to work.

In a lot of ways, I feel I have lived this story the last few years. Even the wandering in the desert happened for me, and sometimes continues to happen to me. As I look at my life I can see where most of the oppression has left me and I have begun to fill it with other things, but then I notice that I have a lot more left to do. Freedom really does come at a high cost.

I want things that I know I will never be able to have. I want people in my life that will never be there. I want things to be so different than they are. At the same time I am the happiest I have ever been and the most free, and I know that my best friend in the entire universe loves me as much as I love him, even if he doesn't know how much I love him, want him, and need him to be healthy.

My best friend taught me some things about myself over the last 14 years. I have been using those lessons to recover from my own exodus and I want to share a few of those things here. I miss him a lot, I wish he had some way to advise me on some other things and I miss his scent and the sound of his voice, but what's done is done. What I miss the most is his embrace and his kiss...but enough on with my list and then some videos.

My Best Friend Taught Me About Me (and this is a partial list):

I don't need anyone other than myself, and I am stronger than I think. He taught me this when I met him and I was in a terrible state of being. Back during the 1996 election cycle. I was having a horrible time with some things and people and he told me that all I needed to do was to stand my ground, and he was right. I have carried that with me all these years and even though I still feel that I do need him (sometimes) I know that this is true. I am who I am because of who we are together, but I am who I am because of my ability to manage things without anyone. I am able to withstand way more than I ever thought I would be able to, in part because of my own internal workings, but also because I always knew if push came to shove he'd calm me down.

There are things that others see in us that are true, valid, and that we might not see in ourselves. This comes from the argument we had where he walked away from me, or maybe I walked away from him, I don't remember anymore. I've always considered him family, and although he won't accept this as a valid statement in his life it is true. Others can sometimes see things better because they aren't knee deep in the strife. I will always be grateful to him for the way he sees me.

Everyone needs someone to hold them when they cry. This is something I am always reluctant to do and to admit, but he has demonstrated this to me time and time again in the years that I've known him. Even if the majority of the time it has been someone else doing the holding I know that he always knows when I am crying.

No matter how bad it gets we can always ride the tide into the shore. This is an important lesson that perhaps he now sees in himself because all of these I think apply to him as well. No matter how bad it gets and no matter how much I thought I wouldn't make it I was still able to pull through. It wasn't always an easy task, but I was totally able to do it. This is true for lots of people I suppose.

People will back you up no matter what. This is something that was hard for me to learn from him, but I was finally able to do it. It is because of the people around me that I was able to leave most of the oppressions behind and it is because of them that I will be able to leave them all behind eventually.

I'm supposing that things have gone south, but my heart will never change and he will never be replaced. He has an irreplaceable role in my life even if I am easily replaced in his.

Having done all of that...here are some videos for entertainment. I hope he will read the post and know which one is dedicated specifically to him...whatever you're doing remember I love you.

Joey

Gives you Hell

Everything

Hot-N-Cold

Mr. Brightside

I write Sins Not Tragedies

What Hurts the Most

I'll do some more and different videos in the future.

Anger

2009-04-02T11:51:00.000-07:00

If any of you read my blog out there, I would like some advice. Anger is a secondary emotion of course and I understand that. I am trying to find a way to get the anger and the pain to go away. I have been unable to find a way to do this...so I am asking all of you to give me your advice, how do I get over these things that were done? The betrayal by those that are supposed to be safe people?

2009-03-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

So I met with the rabbi on Thursday, at the suggestion of another rabbi I know. In fact I should be sleeping now, so I can get up in the morning and get over to their service, but that's another story entirely. The rabbi asked me when I became interested in Judaism. This hit me with a sour taste because it suggested in my mind some kind of Jewish epiphany. Then he asked me why I wanted to convert, this was less of an irritation and I said what I always say that I feel like I want to be in spiritual sync with myself and that I want to be true to who I am and find G-d. It came out in some really weird ways, but he still got the idea.

I went home with the knowledge that we'd be in touch soon, and I went and read the principles of faith. I didn't have a problem with them, in fact they mostly articulate points of view that I have also articulated from time to time over most of my life. It seems like a natural state of being to me, these principles etc.

He is looking into what the best way to proceed is and will get back to me. He appreciated the questions I had asked about the principles of faith. I didn't ask that many questions, just a couple questions for clarification mostly.

Things are moving along nicely, I don't know if anyone reads this but I'll use this as my journal I suppose so I can reflect back on these things when I go to write my book. Wow, just think I am kind of doing my own passover....

Spring is coming....

2009-03-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

Spring has always been one of my favorite seasons. I can't believe that it has been almost two months since my last post. There has been so much happening, and good things at that. It seems so unreal to me on so many levels. When I say this I mean life seems so unreal to me on so many levels. Allow me to explain a little bit, and if anyone out there still reads my blog then I am sure it'll make sense. I have no understanding of who out there reads my blog anymore since I went into hiding and then sort of dropped off the earth entirely.

So, here are some updates on what is going on. I have as previously posted moved into my new apartment. I love my apartment, and I love my new life. It's amazing to me how far I have come, and yet how much further I have to go. My new apartment has a lot of cool features to it, and I will try and take some pictures sometime and put them up. I don't know when I will be able to do this as I am always so busy with other things.

Next, I have one job offer and another interview. The second position actually sounds better than the first, but we'll see what happens. I am hoping I get the second position, but I know I can fall back on the first one if need be. I am very excited that having just moved into my apartment it now seems that I am on the cusp of meeting my professional goals as well.

In addition to these two events of actually getting an offer and having my new apartment be so fabulous, I sent the manuscript for my book to an editor and she absolutely loved it. This gives me hope for being able to get the book published and lets me feel additional things that I haven't quite sorted out yet.

I was supposed to go to a synagogue this morning, but I was incredibly sick with a cold. I can't believe a cold kicked my ass this hard. However, I guess it happens every once in a while. This rabbi was a referral to me by a friend of mine that is also a rabbi in a neighboring state. This allows me the ability to hopefully start working towards my conversion. I didn't tell this to my lover this evening as I know he would rather I not convert and he'll be less than thrilled, but we will of course have to face it eventually.

Brings me to another point, I have a friend of mine that has caused me to rethink my position about good sex not existing. So all of you that tried to convince me that good sex does in deed exist get to win that argument. My friends still think I should get married again but I really don't want to.

Another thing though is that I was hoping at this point in time that my life would be different and that my recovery from all these traumas would be different. Instead it hurts more that the 4th anniversary of the adoption passed and I wasn't able to do anything with or for the kids. However I am trying to let go and not worry about things that are out of my control so to speak. Was that a walking AA commercial?

I have promised some friends that I will write a book about being a preacher's daughter and converting, but I said I wouldn't do it til after my conversion is done, so I will try to post more often about these things as I get to study and prepare and stuff like that. I will also try to post more in general once I get into a more secure routine.

I can honestly say I am the least alone I have ever been, the happiest I have ever been, and I really feel like I am starting to come into my own. I hope things continue on this up swing and that I can manage to get everything out of life that I want and deserve. At least I am glad to be part of a caring community and to begin the process of putting my feet on the ground.

New Places

2009-02-03T07:04:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I moved finally. It's been a really difficult transition but now I am finally here and it feels really good. I can't believe I waited so long to write a post. I guess I didn't have much to say, I still don't have much to say actually.

Notes for the Future

2008-10-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

I told my friend A. that I was planning to write a book (I even have a title for it) on the topic of preacher's children that are grandchildren of Jews converting back to Judaism, or maybe just the non-Jewish grandchild of a Jew that converts back, and she suggested that I take notes throughout the conversion process so that I can reflect back on that during the writing of the book when I am post conversion and ready to record it. I can't recall if I have really taken a full accounting of notes as to how I got to the point I am now in having decided to convert, or whether I've kept that really hidden from the world. Some of you may know all this about me already, some of you will be bored in that case. The rest of you are in for a treat I suppose as I decided maybe I should use my blog to keep notes. I'd like to do a few posts about this, and in kind of randomized order I suppose as I don't always think linear. I welcome comments, questions, and other things posted on here. So long as you don't reveal who I really am. I will try to answer your questions in subsequent posts. I realize this is non-political, but frankly it doesn't matter politics can only take up so much of one's time.

I have always felt like I was born into the wrong family. I always felt more at home in the Jewish community. When I was a child most of my friends were Jewish. I can remember as a 9 year old child asking my father why everyone else lit a menorah and we didn't. Lucky for me, he went out and got one for me and we lit it. I used to try to talk to my grandfather about being Jewish, but he refused to discuss the subject and would make up things when I'd ask him questions. I used to ask all the rabbis I had access to by virtue of the area we lived in and my dad's position all kinds of questions, I even stumped a few of them.

I grew up though, not really even knowing that people could convert to being Jewish. I went on with my life, went to a Christian college, married my Christian husband, raising our Christian children. Still feeling like something was missing, so I asked the Chassidic community near by if there were activities I could participate in as a non-Jew. I even explained about my heritage, and I was welcomed warmly. The rabbi was the first person to suggest to me conversion. That was in January of 2008 when I met him face to face and we were talking about my background, he very quickly suggested that I convert. He didn't say it with pressure or anything. I was really excited and felt blessed by this. He said I needed to keep my name though, which made me feel sort of sad, I never liked my name and I'd like to change it.

When my marriage fell apart, and with it so many other aspects of my community so to speak I decided to start attending synagogue fairly regularly and have felt very at home in this community. After some time I decided that I don't want to be an outsider forever and I can always come back and visit this community as my new family and my sort of mother community so to speak. They will all wish me well it seems, one woman even blessed me that I be a good convert etc. I want what these people have, and though I can never be a Jew from birth I can choose to take on the challenge.

So, this is the start of when I decided to convert. I think it is the culmination of everything from my childhood and maybe even before my childhood. This is an executive summary of course of these matters, but I wanted to just include a bit of a note regarding this. I'm looking forward to having a topic to do a series of blog posts on outside of the usual.

Who the FUCK is Henry Paulsen sleeping with?

2008-09-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

If Henry Paulsen was a woman and behaved in this kind of microcephalic manner, people would be asking who the fuck did she sleep with or something to that effect, but because he is a man no one dares asks this question. The idea that this bail out failure is a surprise is shockingly ridiculous, as clearly the public would urge their representatives to vote against this kind of measure. The first presidential debate however, indicates just how out of touch with reality the people running this country amok are. So, I ask who the FUCK are these people sleeping with?

Mourning

2008-09-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

I am mourning this time for my friend, Les. Les was an amazing man, and I will always remember the way he cared for me when many others did not. He was very interested in how I was and what I was doing. He was also interested in the things that had happened to me and what was going on with those things. I suspect he was instrumental behind the scenes at getting some people to realize how they screwed up. I miss Les and I am having a harder day than I had expected. This is also my best friend's birthday though so it is a mixed bag.

Les and I were on the health ministry together at my former church and I always appreciated the way he participated in the meetings and in our lives. He will be missed by all who were blessed with his life.

The Republican Convention

2008-09-04T08:06:00.000-07:00

I've been bored out of my mind with this convention. Here's some of my opinions however. I can appreciate Joe Lieberman's speech and really enjoyed the way he presented himself. I think he was very classy and supported McCain without putting down Obama or making himself look like an asshole. I can appreciate Rudy's point related to the sexism card, and how come no one asks Obama about having enough time to be President and a father...no one ever thinks about that, so I will give that point to Rudy. I can appreciate Palin's feelings about Obama and the media etc. However, I wish Sarah Palin had been given a better speech. I think that the speech they gave her lacked any substance at all, I never heard anything about any issues that were significant. One jab about Obama wanting to meet with Iran, well Reagan met with Iran too so let's get over ourselves.

Another thing that I have found lacking is anyone under the age of 35. It seems that these people are all quite a bit older than those that went to the Democratic convention, and whereas I am sure the base has been energized I was bored. I was never part of the base. I have always been a Libertarian Republican, and now I just vote Libertarian because I feel the Republican party is going in a direction that I don't want to go down. I think it is unreasonable to be touting this speech as a wonderful speech. Yes, it was well delivered, but there was very little quality to be worthy of extraction. I hope that McCain's speech tonight will lay out a plan to move ahead, because I feel a real hunger to understand what the party is thinking.

Until next time, I am still voting Libertarian it's the only way to take back this country.

Alaska...

2008-08-29T22:24:00.002-07:00

Alaska and it's 3 electoral college votes are now center stage. I'm not really sure how to take that in light of the electrifying Democratic convention. Even I have to concede I was fascinated with the convention, and I am a Libertarian, and don't even consider myself to be a democrat (odd contradiction I know). Like probably 99% of the other people watching the political scene I figured that McCain would ask Joe Lieberman to run with him, and maybe he did and Joe refused, who knows? I'm not sure I'd run with McCain either were I in the position of Joe Lieberman. Neither here nor there I suppose, we will never know how Sarah Palin was the one picked for the ticket. It does seem bizarre though to pick someone from Alaska, I mean 3 electoral votes isn't much, and she's so unknown I doubt she can help with a lot of things like independent voters etc. Course, I am an internationalist, and I thank God every day that I am an internationalist and I don't need to worry about these pesky domestic political issues.

I think the choice of Sarah Palin is an interesting choice, and I am rather intrigued by this choice for a number of reasons. First, I am intrigued because true to form the Feminist backlash has begun. I find it intriguing that the same women that wanted to have Hillary Clinton in the White house (I am still confused, someone please tell me what qualified Hillary for the presidency? Oh right she was married to the president...hmmmm...I am so not buying that snake oil.) are insulted by the choice of Palin. What's wrong with the choice of Palin? She seems like a decent person to me, I mean the whole thing is bizarre because she isn't on the same name recognition level with Mit Romney, but then again plenty of people would fit that bill. Palin helps to score McCain points with the Republican base that he is having so much trouble keeping up with. It also makes him look really good to the public, because now he too can talk about making history, especially if by some weird twist of fate he manages to pull out a victory (I'm not going to hold my breath and expect that to happen).

Palin, I think also causes another interesting twist. Palin forces women to look at their motivations for voting. I think this is a fundamental problem with US politics. The feminists are always about electing women, but only THEIR own women. A woman like myself, or like Elizabeth Dole is frowned upon by the "feminists" and now we have women saying it is insulting that Palin was chosen. Women are 51% of the population, does it really matter how insulting it is? Some women will vote for McCain and some will vote for Obama it is just the way it is. When you are more than half the population you're going to vote in different ways. Course men don't vote uniformly either, and if they did I have had a number of men tell me how Palin is really good looking and they hope she becomes V.P. So clearly we know how that'd turn out. This brings up another point, are these women insulted because she is a beautiful woman? What if she were ugly would it matter so much? Just like would Obama be a rock star if he were White?

Another interesting thing about this choice is that it's ALASKA. I mean how many Americans can find Alaska on the map? I doubt many people outside of Alaska really know where it is. I applied for a few jobs up in Alaska, I thought it might be fun to live there, and they have a shortage of women up there, and a large Russian influence. Alaska is now important for the first time in the history of this country. I mean sure it is important for all the resources we robbed the Russians of when we bought it, but it's also now important because it is now the home state of a possible V.P. of the U.S. and for the first time ever. I can't recall one president of vice president that was from Alaska, can you? I wonder what it must feel like for the Alaskans right now, I've been trying to get in contact with a few Alaskans I know, but haven't gotten through to them.

I think it's both brilliant and risky to choose Palin, and even though I will most likely not vote for McCain, because I plan to vote Libertarian. I think it will be interesting to see what this roll of the dice brings not only to McCain's campaign but to elections and politics in the future as well. This election has been a historical one for sure, and with the exception of my thoughts on Lieberman I have been right in all my analysis of it. Oh and by the way the 88th anniversary of women getting the right to vote that the Democrats were carrying on about, that was under a Republican Congress...so I guess the Dems can't say they are the progressive party on that end of things.

I'd like to thank McCain for the choice of Palin, I find it to be an interesting one and as I said I am fascinated by it for a lot of reasons. I'd like to thank Gov. Palin for accepting the nomination, I think it was courageous on her part and I also think it'll make things a lot more interesting.

May the best ticket win, let the games begin!

Demagoges

2008-08-27T12:51:00.001-07:00

The Democrats are having their convention this week, and it's making me sick. I mean not only am I sick with a cold, or sick because this is my 1 year anniversary of not being able to see my kids, or a whole bunch of other things, but it seems to me that the Democrats are more hypocritical than in previous years. The Democrats are the "party of the people" yet Nancy Pelosi REFUSED to call a special session of the House in order to address the problem of people losing their houses. The Democrats are the party of the people, yet they don't care about the people. Hillary Clinton thought this was her turn and that she would be president, and she is just plain mean spirited, ungracious, and the Clintons together are BITCHY about the situation with Obama. Obama, who is the candidate that was chosen to be sacrificed so that the Clintons could maintain their stranglehold on the party came out in the end and beat the Clinton machine, and yet he is the one being vilified by the Clintons, why didn't he ask her advice on the VP, etc. I mean really, if I lose a race am I required to be asked by the winner about things? Clearly the people have spoken, and Hillary has no more experience than Obama does. Bill Clinton should really get out of the whole scene, frankly so many of these people are washed up it's not even funny.

They're not attacking McCain nor are the Republicans defending McCain. In part this is because it's a Democrat year, and as such mostly Democrats will be elected, but also it is because this is a Dole vs. Clinton rematch with Clinton being played by Obama and Dole being played by McCain. Neither of these candidates really wants a major contest in terms of mudslinging etc, but McCain can't afford such a contest because he doesn't know how to compete with Obama. Obama is competing on a new playing field, he's using the internet to his advantage and doing a whole bunch of other things in an attempt to improve his competitiveness, including the text message announcement of Joe Biden. McCain, has no idea how to compete in this context and the Republican machine doesn't know how to compete this way because they haven't put the effort into learning how to do these things.

Hillary's speech last night was I think a poor attempt at supporting Obama, and she is setting the stage for a hopefully successful campagin in 2012. I think she will continue to be a thorn in the Democrat party side until she is crowned the imperial ruler for all time. This is of course a very sad situation and I feel badly for Obama, Clinton, and my country. This is the ONLY post I will do with the Clintons in it because I frankly want them all to be out of the news and my life. The whole thing with Chelsea being front and center all the time makes me ill as well.

You Can Torment the Bear as Long as You Stay in Your Own House....

2008-08-15T15:56:00.000-07:00

So the Russian proverb goes. This is evident in what is happening with Russia, Georgia, and perhaps Poland will be next if I am to believe the articles in the news that I've seen today. It's ridiculous of course that Russia would go after Poland, but apparently Russia has threatened to do this. I am sure there are a number of reasons for this, but I don't care to give an opinion on the subject, other than to say it would be ridiculous to go after Poland.

Russians have lived by this proverb for centuries at the very least, and I have lived by it in my own life as well. It's because I love this saying, I think it is great. I think it is also very true, if you think about bears and the nature of them. Consequently this can be said of bears as well, they can torment things as long as they stay in their own house.

Political Change?

2008-08-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

What does this ad tells us about the current campaign? My dear friend at The Valley said to me a while back he was afraid that we would have a Dole vs Clinton rematch this election. Another wise man in my life said no, this is Dole vs Kennedy. All I can say, is it is Dole vs someone, anyone and this is a strange election on a number of levels.

First of all, studies have shown over and over again that the American public, and specifically the segment of the population that votes, doesn't like negative ads. People of course still run them, because they like to use out of date strategies etc. They also don't know how to run a non-negative campaign and I commend Obama for the way he has conducted his campaign thus far, and for the way he has dealt with this ad, asking if this is the best McCain can do etc. I think this is the better approach and in the end it will bring him more credibility and probably more votes with the public.

This is also a strange campaign because I can't really remember a time in history when people were comparing people to celebrities in the manner that is being done during this current campaign. Aside from the "Gumby guy" from Mass. phenomenon: Dukakis, Kerry, Romney, etc. that is always kind of a strange thing, doesn't that state have non-gumby characters?

Being an internationalist I never really give in depth commentary on elections in the US, but in the absence of my darling I need to make a commentary that he'd be proud of.

This campaign seems to be running the gambit when it comes to new/change and also when it comes to the same old shit different day, and everything in between. For example this McCain ad is both same shit different day, and new. I can't remember the last time these two celebrities were used in an ad can you?

Also, the internet is much more involved in this election than in previous campaigns. Obama has the advantage on this end compared to any of the other candidates. Hopefully, his campaign won't be hurt by the Edwards fiasco. What a waste of time and energy that is.

This campaign is always coming up with ways to make my stomach turn, and I am a political scientist.

Responsibility

2008-08-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

It seems in this day and age there is a lack of responsibility, both personal and societal. I find this to be a disturbing trend and I don't know what to do about the situation. I can't really control societal trends, I can only control what I do, but I am heartened by the fact that my beloved one recognizes he needs to take responsibility for some of the situations in his life right now. It gives me hope for the future of humanity that at least one individual sees these things.

I am disheartened by the activities of former communities of mine. I went to a meeting at a place I left last year and I realized how much these people are on crack etc. It just blew my mind how irresponsible they were behaving and how bad the planning is there. Thankfully I no longer need to trouble myself with these events. I am heartened that my attempt to take responsibility at this meeting was recognized by a woman who is not far from death's door.

I am also disheartened by the idea that people are still trying to run my life. How long must I endure this? How long must I sing the same songs of people trying to run my life etc? I am trying not to be pissed off about the situation, but it really makes me crazy that no one wants to take responsibility for what they did, but they want to run my life still.

I think the attitude is that I am the idiot child incapable of responsibility because then it makes them feel powerful etc. My life however, just like yours is not for anyone to power play with. It is just very sad that people can't just live in peace with each other.

Mourning

2008-07-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

What a mess! Israel tries to do the right thing in a prisoner exchange, hoping to get back live soldiers, and ends up getting back 2 dead bodies on the day we celebrate one of the Chabad Rebbes (what is the plural for this word?) getting released from jail. What a bittersweet moment that must have been. Especially to find that one of the prisoners exchanged is a cold blooded murderer of children even in this horrible conflict.

I wish I could say something comforting about this situation, but there isn't anything comforting to say. This is a terrible tragedy for the families of these soldiers, for the state of Israel as a whole, and for the world wide community of my people everywhere. We can all feel these events in our bones. What happens to one member of the body is felt elsewhere in the body, this is true of us as a people as well.

My tribute to these soldiers is to include some videos that I hope you will watch, and I hope will bring some healing. I am sure that this battle isn't over, nor is the war.

You'll have to look for the English version of this last song, I couldn't find it this morning, but I have previous found it. Ani Yachol means "I can" and the lyrics to this song are really fitting for a soldier, it talks about being able to do all kinds of things. I hope you enjoy the videos, and never forget.

Atonement

2008-07-10T13:57:00.001-07:00

Wow, has it really been almost a month since my last post? It feels like it was just yesterday. Anyway, this is a personal post because I am frustrated about a lot of things in my personal life right now and I don't want to spend time thinking about other things.

A fundamental concept in religion is atonement, although I think the Jews do this best. Christians tend to say that atonement isn't relevant because Jesus died for their sins. Jews at least work for this, and I'm not quite sure what the Muslim perspective is on the topic, or that of any other religion for that matter. What I can tell you is that this seems to be a concept that is misunderstood.

The concept requires a recognition of a mistake made, followed by an idea of how to make it right and a request that the other person both forgive and also accept the gesture. This requires a lot of effort both for the atonee and the atoner, and yes atonee is a new word I just made up. The process of atonement needs to start with the person that made the mistake in the first place though, and people need to respect each other during the process.

I am finding myself frustrated by a lack of atonement in my life. I have been painted with the Lilith brush and expected to own the mistakes of others and atone for the mistakes of others, but others don't seem to understand the impact that they have on my life. In fact they don't even see my life all they see is their own reality. I find this to be a very sad process within my life. It is death affirming, whereas atonement can be life affirming and is life affirming, to withhold it and then blame the person who has been wronged seems to me a huge mistake and very death gripping.

I prefer to be surrounded by life affirming influences and so I have decided to sever all ties with the death crew. This is also a death affirming decision on some level, although over all it is life affirming.

So, I have decided as my "atonement" for all the wrongs that have been committed against me, but supposedly are my fault that I'd like to start my own company. Now I am just trying to figure out how to make that work and what kind of company I'd like to create, for example product or service and industry etc.

What is Wrong with this Picture?

2008-06-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm watching CNN and like 10 minutes ago they had a story about who would be a better first Lady, Cindy McCain or Michelle Obama? I can't help but ask WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY? We're electing a president not a first lady. I don't really care that much about the first lady, it's the president I am concerned with. I understand the first lady is a counselor etc for the president, but I am more concerned about the decisions a president would make not some sort of stupid who'd be better at being first lady. Who really cares? Since when does this need to be a contest between the spouses? No one interestingly enough asked who'd be better Michelle Obama or Bill Clinton did they? Bill Clinton would look pretty bad in a dress and high heels!

Why Obama Should Get the Nomination

2008-06-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my favorite coffee shop and I've been busy with some other stuff. I started thinking that I should maybe address this topic. Clinton is a qualified candidate, and it's not that I think she's incompetent. She's not incompetent, but the country isn't ready for her yet. Black men have always gotten things before women, the right to vote etc. Why should the presidency be any different. Furthermore, Obama is younger than Clinton and McCain both. I'm of the opinion that the country will elect a Democrat this year, even if I think we should elect someone that isn't tied to a chimpanzee party. Obama would be the best qualified person to elect. This is because he's younger so he has fresh ideas and blood, he has some experience, but let's face it no one has experience as president during their first term anyway so the whole experience card is a joke. I also think that Obama is much more likable than Clinton or McCain. This is a factor in electing a president even if people don't want to acknowledge this idea. It is difficult to vote for som I theone one doesn't like. Young people like Obama, and he's very inspirational to a lot of people. He makes people believe in themselves again and in the country, often times I've thought he sounds a lot like Kennedy. I hope he won't end up being shot like Kennedy, especially since he has to deal with Clinton and her reference to the other Kennedy. I think Obama will make a fine president, and who knows I might let some of you out there convince me to vote for him.

Pandora's Box

2008-06-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

My dearly beloved makes the point that I live in Michigan. This is true as I have lived in Michigan for the last 12 years, or 3 election seasons to use his time measurement system. Upon arrival to Michigan I found an in with the college Republicans at Hope College and actually did some volunteer work for the Dole for President campaign. Not a surprise really since the Dole campaign changed my life in more ways that I can really comment about in a brief post.

When I came to Michigan it was still under the Engler Administration. I can't comment much about this since I didn't particularly pay attention to local politics when I came here. After a while though I was forced to pay attention by my belief in eternal vigilance and by my residence. My beloved will tell you I am hyper-responsible when it comes to matters of a civic nature.

Now, we have a clusterfuck and the question has been asked "How can Democrats run a country if they can't run an election?" Well first of all, neither party is qualified to run a country in my opinion. This has been proven time and time again in Michigan and in other states. Democrats and Republicans are the opposite side of the same coin and they're a bunch of jackasses. I think the Republicans should also adopt the jackass as their symbol based on the last 8 years, or maybe even a monkey. A monkey might be more fitting actually.

Democratic senator Carl Levin, from Michigan called the system for getting a nominee "irrational". It's irrational on several levels. First of all, I am loathed to admit I agree with him elections should be held on the same day in all states instead of having it spread out over months. This does give an advantage to earlier states, I don't care what logic one wants to argue, it's a bad system and that's true on the Republican side as well. Second, I've long said that people should run regardless of party (like in the old days) and the person with the most votes would be president and the one with the 2nd most votes would be vice president, again regardless of party. This is because I agree with Washington that political parties are of the devil, that's not quite what he said but it's the same idea. Michigan then came up with a "compromise", which isn't really a compromise by any means of the imagination.

Under the Michigan compromise, the Michigan and Florida delegations are seated but they get half a vote. What's the point in half a vote, does anyone else see the irrationality here? It's still disenfranchising the votes of both states, but now we have to put on a face that we're happy with the idea. The party wants to claim this is a move towards unity, but is it really? I mean the Michigan delegates were divided in a way that makes very little sense to me. Obama gets 59 and Clinton gets 69, but they're each worth half a vote. Florida had an equally ridiculous concept for its delegates. It would have been more rational to divide out all the delegates equally and have them either worth half a vote or give them full voting rights. After all Obama followed the rules and shouldn't be penalized for this.

A much more rational system for nominating would be to just have conventions. Have delegates to the convention and no primaries and let them pick the nominee. This way people can vote in the general election, but everyone can vote on an equal footing, and winner takes all is much better than proportional divisions. These proportional divisions are ridiculous, and I feel the same way about the super delegates.

Pandora's box has been opened though and this leaves this election season with a bad taste. It's unfortunate, because the reality is Obama is very capable and it's not his fault these things have gone on, Clinton is an opportunist and will either have him assassinated or will cry foul play all the way to the Supreme Court like someone else we know to get the nomination. She will do whatever she has to do now that she has been given a foot hold, plus the number of delegates needed has now been increased in an attempt to level the playing field. Why level it when she is still over 170 delegates behind? It's basic historic precedent, black men have always gotten things before women and why should being elected president be any different.

Obama's administration doesn't strike me as being any worse than what we've had for the last 8 years, but I'm not sure who he'd want his cabinet for various positions so I can't really comment a lot here. Clinton's administration would probably mirror her husband's and NAFTA was a bad idea then and is a bad idea now. Michigan was the 2nd hardest hit with NAFTA losses and it's completely unfair that the issue was handled the way it was under Clinton and Bush both. I could say the same for the way each president has handled the war on terrorism as well, but I'll save that.

The whole electoral process has become irrational in this country and now we have irrational delegate counts, we now increase delegate counts for the Hell of it etc. We do all sorts of ridiculous things in the name of trying to be fair and give everyone a voice, but having state conventions on the same day, and then having a national convention to make the nomination official would be a much more rational plan, or even having different state conventions and not releasing the results until the national conventions. Primaries and then conventions seem to be antiquated ways for determining a nominee, especially when neither is productive and the season gets stretched out so much.

I for one, can't wait for this election season to end. I am sick and tired of the whole thing and I am relieved that my party doesn't stoop to these levels. These tactics are just an example of why both parties are made up of microcephalic pissant peons that should fix their cranial rectal inversion.

In conclusion, when I ran for office as a Libertarian we didn't have these kinds of issues. I think though that Obama shouldn't be penalized for the party being a bunch of morons. Obama and McCain are both capable and should be evaluated on their own merits, I just prefer Libertarian ideals and will be voting accordingly. Statements that I am throwing away my vote by doing so will be removed.

Until next time RAF :)

Intro to Politics

2008-05-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

I have been asked by numerous people that befriended me on my journey to freedom, how I became involved in politics. So I've decided it might make a funny blog post to share this with everyone.

I first became involved with politics in the 1980s. Maybe even before that as at one point my parents used to take my brother and I on demonstrations with them, and I was born in 1977 and he was born in 1979. So, that's the short answer, but how did I become actively involved in politics, this is a second issue that's pretty amusing actually.

I was watching TV one day, and for the umpteenth time my favorite TV show, the Cosby Show had been pre-empted by a presidential press conference. Naturally, I wasn't allowed to watch it my mother hated Reagan after all she didn't want me to be corrupted by the logical arguments he'd be making. I became incensed about this, and she told me to write the president. Part of me thought this idea was ridiculous, I was a child and children don't vote why would he write me back? After all it isn't as if I was writing to him about nuclear weapons or something of substance. I mean would he really move his conferences for me?

I deliberated about this for a few days and then decided to go ahead and write the president. I'm thinking this was early 1986 or maybe it was 1985. I can't remember exactly, I met Reagan in 1986 and I hadn't met him yet when I did this. Anyway, I wrote the president a letter. It went something like this "Dear President Reagan: My name is Rebecca and I am 8-9 years old (whichever I was then). I'd really appreciate it if you would please move your press conferences. I've been trying to watch the Cosby Show for several weeks now and you've been interfering with my ability to do this..." I can't remember all of it, and this is probably not the entire verbatim version. I went to the post office with my mother to mail my letter, and everyone asked me what I was writing the president about. I think they found it funny that a child would take the time to write, let alone about such a topic as this...I mean it's a TV show, but for me it was more than that.

A few weeks later I got a letter back from President Reagan. I had wanted to keep it, but I wasn't able to do so because my mother ultimately threw it out. I found out a few years ago this was written on personal stationary. This is also most likely not the entire verbatim letter, but Reagan basically said, "Dear Rebecca: Thank you for taking the time to write me about this important topic (I think maybe he was mocking me). I have to hold my press conferences when most Americans will be watching and it so happens this is during the Cosby Show. Perhaps you would be willing to watch my press conferences and become involved in the political process. I am moved that a child of your age would take the time to write me...."

Later in 1986 I would be selected to go to a rally in New Jersey where Reagan would be at. He waved at me, I think maybe we even shook hands at the event afterwards. I never told him that I was the child who wrote him about the topic of the Cosby Show. I was super excited to be able to greet the motorcade though.

This was a very gratifying experience, as I was touched that he wrote me back personally, I always felt he had done so himself since it was signed Ronald Reagan. My mother tried to convince me that it was an aid that did it, but I was steadfast in my conviction that it was in fact Reagan who wrote me back. I was also gratified with the way he asked me to become involved in the political process. I thought that was just totally cool, of course I didn't know back then that Youth for Reagan is what won him the election and how much power young people really have. I just loved the fact that he had made this comment to me.

I was sparked onto a lifetime of civil awareness by this interaction. My desire to become an internationalist came much later, in the 1990s actually, but that's a rather dull story so I will keep it to myself unless anyone asks for me to tell it.

RAF

2008-05-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

What a strange time we live in, or maybe it's just that I live in a very strange time. I find myself with an abundance of things to say and no words to say them with, or ways to really flesh out what I'd like to say. So, I will post about what I feel I am able to discuss intelligently. Namely, my dear friend Chess Novice's allegations regarding spoiling my enjoyment of films. First of all the idea of him as a Chess Novice is really insane because he's been playing chess longer than I remember knowing him, and that's quite a long time ago now.

First of all, it is correct to assert that I have an unequivocal aversion to having my enjoyment of films spoiled. However, it is not so easily done. Your summary was of things and contexts that didn't really affect me regarding this film, and perhaps it is because you don't know of my love for this particular story.

I have had an ongoing love affair with this particular book chronicle for quite some time. All seven have a special place in my heart, and I do so hope they will make all 7 of them into movies, but this particular one has long been my favorite. I can't really explain why, in fact until I saw the movie I had no idea why and now I do have some idea.

First of all, the story of this chronicle is perhaps on of the most action packed of them all, and I really enjoyed the way it was envisioned by the film makers. Moreover, the themes in this chronicle are outlined very nicely by my friend, and so it is not the themes that I find so fascinating.

What I find fascinating is the actual content of the movie. "You're not lost, you're going the wrong way" there's something very interesting in that quote that I can't quite put my finger on here, I know what it is but to explain it would require too much energy and I am getting lazy in my old age.

Also, it's interesting that throughout my childhood I was constantly corrected about my feelings regarding Aslan. I always assumed Aslan was God, yet I was constantly told that everything was a Christian allegory and that Aslan was Christ. Interesting, maybe it is my transition out of Christianity, but when the sea swallowed up the Talmarines it reminded me more of Passover than anything Jesus ever did. Maybe I just don't understand the deep hidden Christian meaning the Lewis was going for in the book?

Many of these things strike me as interesting, but I'd rather not continue down this path. I have some political commentaries to make and perhaps I will do that later but at the present I just don't have the energy to deal with anyone or anything.

RAF

Yom Heudelet Tov!

2008-05-08T09:16:00.000-07:00

Since the 5th of Iyaar this year is on a Sabbath this year, the parties are going on now. Happy Birthday to Israel. It exists simply by a miracle, there is no other explanation for the way our people have managed to survive all of the persecutions of previous generations, and also of the last 60 years in order to maintain a blooming flower in the desert and a beautiful tradition. It is amazing the way G-d has blessed this nation, and it really must be true, He who guards Israel never slumbers. I wish I had that kind of peace in my life presently, but perhaps with time it will come. There is only so much we can do as individuals and as communities. The community of Israel has always been a complex one, and will most likely get only more complex in years to come.

I am planning to visit my family in Israel, it is the only family I have left. Most of them are not blood to me, although I suppose with my latent Jewishness as they call it that my grandfather has given to me, they would be blood. Anyway sometimes water is thicker than blood. I was hoping to be in Israel for Purim, and then Passover, and then 60th anniversary, now I think I will shoot for Chanukah but hopefully be there far earlier. All of these days are commemorating to great divine presence and works. It is a way to honor myself, and others of course. My first trip, I can't wait. I'm like a little kid with anticipation about the entire situation.

It's been suggested to me that I should go and not return, I don't know what will happen, but I do know it'll be a magical time as this is a magical time for our people. It really is true in every generation there are those that rise up to destroy us, but we are always rescued from it. I haven't yet seen this in my own life, but perhaps going to Israel will help with that a little bit.

Malka

Fear

2008-04-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted. The reality is I am living in the land of fear, and I have no idea where to cling to now that I have entered it. I am deeply lost in this land of fear I don't know what I will do. I can't seem to get out and I am so wounded that I can't even recognize help when and if it were to arrive. I find myself trying very hard to keep myself on the straight narrow/sane part of things but that's becoming more and more difficult. I feel myself becoming something else, or maybe someone else. I just feel so far lost from myself and who I am, who I want(ed) to be. I find that my gift for guiding others is completely lost on myself during this crisis. I hope that it will be a short lived crisis because there are other things that I need to get done with my life. I don't have time to sit in fear and wait, yet here I am paralyzed by it.

Death of an Icon

2008-04-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

My dear friends,
I have recently been informed of a terrible event in my life. One of my best friends from college has died. He was a great man, from a long line of great men. When we would sit and talk he would really focus on what I was saying, and then he even took my advice on his career choice. At the time of his death he was First Secretary of the Embassy of South Africa to Sudan. He died while visiting London of Cerebral Malaria, and was the tender age of 41. What makes him unique is that despite his being Walter Sisulu's grandson he was very down to earth. In fact, I always imagined that if I had met his grandfather they'd be very much alike. He was soft-spoken and I think had potential to do a lot of great work for his country and the world. I am honored to have nurtured and encouraged him to become the man I am sure he was before his death, and I am sure we will all feel a void and miss him in the future. Already the world seems like a darker place. I know though that he is now with his grandfather and perhaps they will both look over me.

2008-04-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

Spring is a time of renewal, and new beginnings, or so they say. I can't believe it is already April. This April marks a year in my journey to a divorce, or as a friend of mine says, "Let's call it rectifying a mistake" this also marks a time that I began keeping this blog, although I admit I have been really poor at keeping up with the posts on it. This is in part due to my inability to find topics of interest, but also because of my lack of interest in a number of things that I used to find fascinating. Blogging being one of those things, additionally if I leave a loose trail I don't have to worry about the assholes in the world causing me additional pain and suffering. This year has been a very painful one, a very difficult one, and there as of yet is no end in sight.

As I think about the things I need to say and do to carry my dearly beloved friend through his own crisis, I am reminded of the things I need to say and do for myself. This is partly because of how similar we are, but it is also because we find ourselves disturbed by similar issues, the difference is of course that he has much more support for what he is going through than I do. He also has me, and I am particularly good at figuring out what he needs and giving it to him. Sometimes I jokingly say he is my other half, in many ways this is a joke and in other ways I am deadly serious when I say it.

This spring I am hoping for a time of renewal for my own spirit and my own life. I will be planning my relocation, my trip home, and most importantly forging a new identity for myself. This new identity will keep me safe, secure, and will carry with it all the affections that I have for myself, and for my family. My new family, the family that has gotten me through a very challenging time period. Many people are in this family, but very few can I be connected to in a tangible way. Everyone is of course equally important, and a variety of things will impact whom I am connected to and how this will play out.

In a couple weeks I will post a follow up, and God willing a post script to the drama that has been going on. I might even explain in more depth why I changed my blog and stuff like that. I hope and pray that I will be OK soon, and until then I will find my home in the 23rd psalm.

May you find what brings peace to you. I find that today has been a much more peaceful day than yesterday, even with its history. I'm a little bit tired of the hypocracy of all the candidates related to MLK's assassination, but it is what it is. Like the person said at McCain's speech, we all make mistakes.

Blessings to all of you, as you go along your journey. I will do another post as soon as I find something to say or in a couple weeks, whichever comes up first.

Malka

2008-03-19T22:18:00.001-07:00

Several months ago a recruiter I was working with contacted me regarding a possible interview with Bear Stearns. I thought this was a fantastic opportunity and contacted another firm I have been working with and asked them to please get whatever information they could find regarding Bear and Stearns. To my shock and horror, I discovered that something like 55% of the assets for this company are held in Saudi Arabia. Amalek! If you don't understand the significance of Amalek you might want to look it up. I was going to give the precise numbers, but I am having trouble with my email box right now. I have to ask though WHY are we bailing out a company owned by the Saudis? We know that Saudi Arabia funds terrorism and we give them a bunch of money anyway, so WHY give them more money? I am uncomfortable with the idea of my tax dollars going to bail out a company owned by a terrorist state. I understand the economic implications, but damn it...WTF is going on here? Amalek is not supposed to be bailed out...it is supposed to be wiped off the map. May Amalek die soon.

2008-03-10T16:50:00.002-07:00

Please answer on your Blog. Choose five to pass this Meme forward. Ready, steady, go!

1) President George W. Bush or President William Clinton? You must answer 1a and 1b.
George W. Bush

1a) Give 3 issues why you support your guy:

Hold positions that are closer to my personal views than Clinton did, like he recognizes NAFTA for the fuck up it is.
Strong foreign policy, right or wrong he stands up for what he believes.
He's pretty entertaining when he gives a speech.

1b) Now name 3 things good about the other guy.

He'll help Hillary not to get elected as much as tries to help her win.
He's no longer in office.
He kept us entertained with his scandals.

2) Favorite Sci-fi movie?
Somewhere in Time

3) Favorite Sci-fi TV show?
Highlander

4) Favorite Alternate History story (movie, TV or book)?
I don't think I've read any of these kinds of stories.

5) Best American Legislator? (if overseas, your local Legislators)
Alive or dead?

6) Best Foreign Legislator? (if overseas, this is where you can choose American legislators)
I choose Rabin. What a loss that was...Lebed also a loss, and Vladimir Putin :)

7) Favorite Sci-fi scene? (Youtube it if you can)

Actually it's from Forever Knight, which I also loved to watch.

8) Pitch a cross-over between two sci-fi shows/movies/etc.:
McCloud turns into a vampire cop.

9) Who will win the Democratic Presidential Primary? Why?
Senator Obama. He has the general votes. The delegates from Florida and Michigan will most likely be recast for him and he will need to win the primary or people will get angry. Funny that Clinton is already talking about having him as her VP. How ridiculous he has the delegates!

10) Will Gordon Brown call an election before 2010?
No.

11) Favorite Steampunk, Cyberpunk or Post-Cyberpunk novel, comic, book or movie?
I'm going to go with Clockwork Orange here although it scared me half to death. I think it classes as one of these.

12) Best Pizza place? Please provide the link.
I don't really have a link for the best pizza place. I haven't had pizza in a year.

War, Peace, and Everything in between...

2008-03-08T22:24:00.001-08:00

Alright, I've been suffering my own case of writers block, but a new post has been requested and I see it has been almost 3 months since my last post. I can't believe it has been almost that long. So much has been going on, and yet I've had nothing to say. So here's my poor attempt at coming out of my writer's block.

War:
We are fast approaching the festival of Purim. Purim is a celebration honoring Queen Esther and her saving the Jews of Persia from extermination. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the Iranians have always tried to kill us and yet we are still here and we are more successful than they are. Maybe they should focus their energy on trying to emulate us instead of genocide and then they'd have a nicer country. Iran still has 20,000 Jews living there and they take care of Esther's grave. I find that to be somewhat Ironic. They are still trying to kill us, yet they care for the grave of the woman who stopped them all those years ago.

I have never seen Purim celebrated and I was hoping to have been in Israel for it, however due to circumstances beyond my control I find myself still in the US and in a state of panic for it. My new goal is to be in Israel for Pessach.

This isn't the end of the world as I will find myself visiting my new family at the synagogue for Purim, assuming they have the invitations printed for the party. I am looking forward to the fact that it recognizes the waste the war would have been, and it leads to a peace. I also think it is cool that the story is so beautiful. It has everything a good story does. I sometimes feel like Haman is coming after me so I particularly enjoy this story at this time, with Haman getting his ass kicked. I made some Hamantaschen they came out spectacularly. Untraditionally but that's OK, I'm not a Jew yet so I don't have to be so strict.

Peace:
Pessach is another one of these sort of war and peace holidays. There is a different sense of war of course because of the Egyptians, but they even go after the Israelites with an army so that still has a military component. My abba tells me that Mitzryiam has two forms of oppression physical and spiritual.

Unlike Purim, I have seen Pessach celebrated numerous times. I love it, it is by far my favorite holiday. I have a special connection to it this year given the events of my life. There is something really peaceful and beautiful about reading this story and looking at how awesome God really is. God really does do wonderous things, and it is sometimes really amazing to watch this process.

It's been a very trying exodus for me, but I have found my constant companion to be God, and that also some angelic presences were sent to help me with this process in the form of some really good friends. Some I had before, some I met during, all that I will keep after. I have also been blessed with some new family along the road. I am grateful for that, it has kept me from going under many times.

Family is so important, and I find myself having to reconstruct so much. I'm sure it was that way for a lot of people in the desert and in other historical time periods. I know I am sick of wandering the desert, but I am hoping that this time period in the wilderness will be ending shortly. In the meantime I am grateful to those that have so kindly tolerated the ups, downs, and other assorted directions that the roller coaster ride has moved in over the past year. It has been very helpful to me that I have been able to count on some people to not be problematic.

I have a few other wars now that I am trying to find peace through, I know peace can sometimes only be found on the other side of war and so I hope that the war can end soon. It is ironic I was born in Adar which means fire.

Everything in between:
Not much to report on this end of things. My dear friend has gotten back into contact with me, this makes me feel a little more secure. I feel extremely insecure and so it makes me feel better to think that I am important enough to have contact again.

I am panicking about the economic situation I find myself in as well as the spiritual and emotional ones. I am sure that this will pass eventually and I pray that it will be ending very soon.

Traitors

2008-01-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

The roots of the traitorous conspiracy came to light last night. When I was a little girl, my dad had a picture of Elizabeth I above my bed and some other Elizabethan things. So in the spirit of Elizabeth, may their heads all find comfortable pikes to rest upon. I can now openly out these traitors as the court dealings have closed themselves off. I am debating whether or not I will openly name these traitors for what they are or if I will let them remain in darkness as they are very dark and deserve to remain within their own evil beings.

Traitors have a long standing political presence and must always be dealt with swiftly and severely, for if this is not the case then things will become a greater problem for the world. One must purge traitors from the ranks or face the consequences, so I have purged ALL of these traitors from my life.

Happy New Year to me, may I have peace in my life and may I have people in my life that will not be traitors always.

Who killed Benazir Bhuto?

2007-12-27T20:49:00.000-08:00

Patriarchy of course killed her. Were she a male politician would she have been allowed to walk around with no security? I highly doubt Musharref walks around without security. It is interesting to note that Al Qaeda claims responsibility...an organization that would like to all but eliminate women from the earth and certainly from political situations. Not only that but men with power like Bush and Musharref sat there and just let her continue to have threats against her.

It's interesting that this follows my post on women. It is very sad that Bhuto was killed, but if this country and its allies were serious about being for democracy and human rights this tragedy could have been avoided. The truth is women in positions of power are threatening and so rather than aid the woman, we all let her down.

I for one feel very badly that these events were allowed to happen and I will have to consider some thoughts as to what will be the future of Pakistan and the region in the wake of this. However, women's issues have been set WAY back by this event.

The Women

2007-12-18T14:50:00.000-08:00

Wow, has it really been over a month since my last post? It seems so strange that it has been so long. The politics of sex have always been a strange topic, and especially when examining Biblical society, but it is still true in modern society. Some have asked me to write commentaries on Dinah, Ruth, Deborah, and Esther and perhaps I will find the time to write about these women in addition to Tamar's commentary in the previous post. Each of these women has a story to tell after all with love, tragedy, humor, and other assorted qualities of a good story. However, this is not that sort of post.

My topic this time is the politics of the women. The women in general, what does it mean to be a woman? This varies from places like Saudi Arabia where women don't really exist as people, to places like Iran where they become doctors and lawyers, to places like the USA where in some cases they are high powered and in other cases they are screwed. Femaleness is apparently very political. Why is it so political? I was once told that it is so political because men are jealous of women's ability to give life and therefore feel a need to exert control over women. I don't think this is the case. I think that what we have here is an identity crisis and it is brought on by men forgetting how to be men and so women can't really be women. This is an over simplified view of the world of course, but seeing as I am planning on moving on to greener pastures at some point in the not too distant future it is important to keep things as simple as possible.

There are obviously many ways to be male or female, but this is not a post about masculinity being dead or my thoughts and feelings on that topic. This is a post about the political system interacting with women. If Margaret Thatcher had been a man would people have mocked her as much as they did and call her the "Iron lady" probably not, she'd probably have been treated much the way Vladimir Putin has been treated, he's been mocked in the context of Russian history but no one has commented in a mocking manner about the way he acts as a man.

Positions of power are always tenuous and need special attention no matter who is in them, but it seems that once in a blue moon power gets turned on its head. Looking at for example the Thompson campaign. If Mrs. Thompson was 24 years older than Fred would people say the things about Fred that they say about her? It's an interesting question. What is power and where does it come from, who really holds the power in these couples?

The most interesting example of women politically speaking I believe is the women of Iran. Iranian women are very free and yet very un-free at the same time. This is often more true of American women than we wish to admit (perhaps this is also true in Europe I don't know). The Iranians are a very proud people and should be given more respect from people than they have been getting.

2007-11-16T12:42:00.000-08:00

There seems to be much debate about this particular biblical passage and what the part about being a desolate woman refers to. Many have said that it is a reference to her never having children. I have always been of the opinion that it refers to her being hollowed out and being made a shell of a person by the event. This is what happened to me after my rape, and continues to happen to me related to some other issues. I believe that this is what the reference is about the profound grief that not only the initial transgression creates, but is further created by an environmental response of don't talk about it, or it will go away, or I don't believe you, or some other similar response. Perhaps this is not what is intended, but it is often the way these things happen to play out. This creates an environment that causes one who has survived to question everything, including themselves at a very basic level. Of course Tamar didn't have children, how could she ever trust another man after what happened with her brother? However, she needed to be somewhere so she goes to the house of her brother, it seems to make sense. He also is an interesting character in this story, I've always found his character to be fascinating, the way he says nothing to anyone and then just kills the man. I wonder if he tells Tamar what happened and she feels more grief or if she continues to just wonder if her brother believes her.

Most of the time no one believes, I know this has been my experience and it creates even more grief. How can one recover and be normal when the messages coming in are wrong? How can things be done in a manner that makes it easier to get on with things if one is constantly wondering if they are believed and if the emotions are valid. The reality is that these situations could lead to great healing but often they lead to more pain and suffering.

I wonder what really is the cause of her desolation, but I have a general idea it is the same sort of desolation I have been feeling. "I'm dead and I haven't figured it out yet" I nearly laughed when someone said that to me about themselves. I think it is definitely true in my case.

2 Samuel 13

The Rape of Tamar
1 Now David's son Absalom had a beautiful sister named Tamar. And Amnon, her half brother, fell desperately in love with her.2 Amnon became so obsessed with Tamar that he became ill. She was a virgin, and Amnon thought he could never have her.
3 But Amnon had a very crafty friend—his cousin Jonadab. He was the son of David's brother Shimea.*4 One day Jonadab said to Amnon, "What's the trouble? Why should the son of a king look so dejected morning after morning?"
So Amnon told him, "I am in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister."
5 "Well," Jonadab said, "I'll tell you what to do. Go back to bed and pretend you are ill. When your father comes to see you, ask him to let Tamar come and prepare some food for you. Tell him you'll feel better if she prepares it as you watch and feeds you with her own hands."
6 So Amnon lay down and pretended to be sick. And when the king came to see him, Amnon asked him, "Please let my sister Tamar come and cook my favorite dish* as I watch. Then I can eat it from her own hands."7 So David agreed and sent Tamar to Amnon's house to prepare some food for him.
8 When Tamar arrived at Amnon's house, she went to the place where he was lying down so he could watch her mix some dough. Then she baked his favorite dish for him.9 But when she set the serving tray before him, he refused to eat. "Everyone get out of here," Amnon told his servants. So they all left.
10 Then he said to Tamar, "Now bring the food into my bedroom and feed it to me here." So Tamar took his favorite dish to him.11 But as she was feeding him, he grabbed her and demanded, "Come to bed with me, my darling sister."
12 "No, my brother!" she cried. "Don't be foolish! Don't do this to me! Such wicked things aren't done in Israel.13 Where could I go in my shame? And you would be called one of the greatest fools in Israel. Please, just speak to the king about it, and he will let you marry me."
14 But Amnon wouldn't listen to her, and since he was stronger than she was, he raped her.15 Then suddenly Amnon's love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. "Get out of here!" he snarled at her.
16 "No, no!" Tamar cried. "Sending me away now is worse than what you've already done to me."
But Amnon wouldn't listen to her.17 He shouted for his servant and demanded, "Throw this woman out, and lock the door behind her!"
18 So the servant put her out and locked the door behind her. She was wearing a long, beautiful robe,* as was the custom in those days for the king's virgin daughters.19 But now Tamar tore her robe and put ashes on her head. And then, with her face in her hands, she went away crying.
20 Her brother Absalom saw her and asked, "Is it true that Amnon has been with you? Well, my sister, keep quiet for now, since he's your brother. Don't you worry about it." So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in her brother Absalom's house.
21 When King David heard what had happened, he was very angry.*22 And though Absalom never spoke to Amnon about this, he hated Amnon deeply because of what he had done to his sister.

Absalom's Revenge on Amnon
23 Two years later, when Absalom's sheep were being sheared at Baal-hazor near Ephraim, Absalom invited all the king's sons to come to a feast.24 He went to the king and said, "My sheep-shearers are now at work. Would the king and his servants please come to celebrate the occasion with me?"
25 The king replied, "No, my son. If we all came, we would be too much of a burden on you." Absalom pressed him, but the king would not come, though he gave Absalom his blessing.
26 "Well, then," Absalom said, "if you can't come, how about sending my brother Amnon with us?"
"Why Amnon?" the king asked.27 But Absalom kept on pressing the king until he finally agreed to let all his sons attend, including Amnon. So Absalom prepared a feast fit for a king.*
28 Absalom told his men, "Wait until Amnon gets drunk; then at my signal, kill him! Don't be afraid. I'm the one who has given the command. Take courage and do it!"29 So at Absalom's signal they murdered Amnon. Then the other sons of the king jumped on their mules and fled.
30 As they were on the way back to Jerusalem, this report reached David: "Absalom has killed all the king's sons; not one is left alive!"31 The king got up, tore his robe, and threw himself on the ground. His advisers also tore their clothes in horror and sorrow.
32 But just then Jonadab, the son of David's brother Shimea, arrived and said, "No, don't believe that all the king's sons have been killed! It was only Amnon! Absalom has been plotting this ever since Amnon raped his sister Tamar.33 No, my lord the king, your sons aren't all dead! It was only Amnon."34 Meanwhile Absalom escaped.
Then the watchman on the Jerusalem wall saw a great crowd coming toward the city from the west. He ran to tell the king, "I see a crowd of people coming from the Horonaim road* along the side of the hill."
35 "Look!" Jonadab told the king. "There they are now! The king's sons are coming, just as I said."
36 They soon arrived, weeping and sobbing, and the king and all his servants wept bitterly with them.37 And David mourned many days for his son Amnon.
Absalom fled to his grandfather, Talmai son of Ammihud, the king of Geshur.38 He stayed there in Geshur for three years.39 And King David, now reconciled to Amnon's death, longed to be reunited with his son Absalom.*

A Song From My Heart...

2007-11-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

I cannot erase the marks you left on my face, my body, and soul. I cannot escape the pain inside my head. I cannot escape the memory of what you have done. It's over, but the wounds just won't close. It's over but you're everywhere. I've been reborn, but I am still dead. I cannot escape the past nor can I escape the future. I am trapped in a present between two times. I am trapped by the plans you made, by the way you behaved. Yeah, it's over but your ghost is still here. The demons still haunt me in the night.

I guess you can't accept that I am better than you, so together you all had a crew. Together the crew abused me, but the joke's on you. Yeah, I said the joke's on you. I am more than just a girl, I am more than just this object you tried to create. I was never what you thought I was, or should be. You never saw me as I am. It's over now, and you are no longer here. I am strong and I am surviving. I am fine and you are useless.

It's over and you will never be here, you will never be inside my head again. When he holds me close, do you wish it was you? When I whisper in his ear, do you hear the words in your head? When I am standing tall, do you fall to the ground and wish you could reach me? Do you think that you won? It's over and you lose. It's over and I am still here. It's over and you may have thought you were right, you may have thought you won the test of time. You may think you are better than me, but where are you now? Can you even see? Do you even know?

Can anybody hear me? When I scream in the night, when he picks me up do you wish it was you? Do you have any idea what you did? Do you know what it felt like when you left me there, in that space and time. That place of hell. When it haunts me in my dreams, do you wish it was your arms I was reaching for? I'm no longer a child, I am no longer your child. You lost the game, it's so over.

Do you think you are good? Do you feel proud? Didn't I make you happy on your wedding day, and all you did was give me pain. Do you treat her that way? Yeah it's over and maybe she's also lost because she is stuck with you and these crazy bastards. She deserves better than this.

Do you feel powerful? Do you feel important? You used your influence to kill your own child! The game is up though and in the end you only killed yourself. When he's standing with me and we're running the world do you wish you were there? When he kisses my lips do you wish you could see? Remember when you used to ask me stuff like that? When he holds me close and wipes the tears away do you wish it was you? You fucking bitch, I will never again think of you.

And what of the church? What of this sacred place, a place that is supposed to be a safe haven. Where we touch God? What do you think God thinks of you now. You think you are so mighty, but it's over and God is coming. Do you think he will tolerate how you fucked up the life of one of his own? What gave you the right? Yeah, the game is over and he's coming to collect. When my head is anointed do you wish it was for you?

Yeah it's over and you lose. I win the game, I have the most powerful weapon ever. I have the best laid plans, the best revenge. Judgment is with me, it's mine and you've lost the game. Love, Honor, Cherish, these words mean nothing to you, but they are the lifeblood. They are what wins the war in the end. You love to hate me, you love to rule me, you love to not even know me. You get your wish, I am gone, but remember babies the game is over and you have all lost. In the end you have lost the battle and the war. The songs are playing, and I am lifted high. I am in a better space and I am safe. You will always run and hide. You will always find the wolf knocking at your door and the world so cold. It's over daddy and I'm never coming home. It's over you fucking bitch you made your bed now lie in it. It's over you rat bastard brother of mine...maybe next time you'll think. Last of all you fucking prick, you're the last to know how much you've really lost. Maybe you will never know.

As to the church, they too have lost. It's not my battle, but in the end they will get theirs as well. It's over babies, it is so over and guess where you go? Guess where you belong. When I'm on the yacht and in the maserati, guess where you will be? When I am standing tall and my friends are with me, where will you be? You who left me, you who screwed me, yeah babies it is so over and you have so lost the game. You will be dead on the sidewalk missing me and wondering what I am doing. Yeah it's over, and you are not here so get the fuck out of my head.

Take your memories, take your demons, take your God and get out of my head. Get off my body, and out of my mind and soul. Leave me be, make sure the door doesn't hit you on the way out. Yeah baby, it's over. So over, and you will never again have the status you had. Does it feel good to know where you've gone? Does it feel good to see what you've done. I may be shattered but it's only a winterized state, soon I will be more powerful than ever and where will you be?

Crushed under my heels, oh it's over and you will never again rise up. You've lost the game, and believe me you will never again be around to abuse me. It's over baby so please get out of my way. Let me be and don't try to interfere. You've lost the war now go back to the battle lines.

It's over, it's so over, you have lost and I have won. Always remember that you could have had me, you could have had it all. Remember me when we are ruling the world and you are a bottom feeder, remember what I offered you and you refused. Remember me, when I'm at the top and no one cares who you were. Remember me, because it's over.

Old School Politics

2007-11-07T15:05:00.000-08:00

In the old days everything had a protocol and in this sense politics ran the world. This is still largely true, there are protocols for how to love, how to kill, how to work, etc. There are even protocols for war that have been written. I find it really challenging sometimes to keep everything straight. There are protocols for exits and entrances. Last night, one very near and dear to my heart returned. The entrance was a few days in the works and rather strange at best. I always knew he'd return, the fact of the matter is he can't leave me even when he wants to. Perhaps this is what bothers him about us. It is a strange dance but we still have to do it I guess. I keep trying to change the steps, maybe someday I will be able to. He told me I have never been more beautiful than I am now and I can say whatever I need to say. I think that's really very nice. I hope that things will be different now, I spoke to a friend of mine from college today about how I wish things could be different in my life. He's the one who got away so to speak, I don't think he's aware of that and anyway it doesn't matter because this other one that has returned took over many moons ago. There is always something happening in the world that makes me wonder what's going on. This is one of them, things seem to be turning around slightly and I hope they will continue to do so. I am a little bit concerned about the fact that some areas seem to be turning all at the same time. I shouldn't complain though at least they are turning the correct direction.

Everything I need to know about life I learned from M

2007-11-05T21:10:00.001-08:00

I met M when I was a child. I forget the precise date, I wish I could forget the incident, but it is forever seared into my memory. It is just one of those things that you can't forget. At that moment a number of things became clear to me, including some of the things that would happen to me in the future.

I was a 10 year old child, I got one of those fancy swimsuits, the style of the day were to have these stupid zippers down the font of them. I thought it was so cool, and I was already a C cup so I pretty well filled it out. I really enjoyed that the suit had these bright colors on it. What can I say, I had a fashion sense even then. Anyway, this was the wrong kind of suit for me as it would turn out. My dad took my brother, myself, and a friend of my brother's swimming at this pool in town. Little did I know that M was there or what events would unfold. I was swimming peacefully in the pool and got up to get out of the pool to go to the bathroom. Unbeknownst to me, but very well noticed by M, my brother's friend had unzipped my suit. There was I was hanging out, full C cup...drenched in the water. I wanted to die. I came up out of the pool and right about the same place that M was.

Feeling this desire to just die on the spot because I knew very well who he was, I couldn't really say anything. He said it all though, he zipped up the suit and said "Remember, it's all mental. The game is ALL in your head and that's true of life as well." He then proceeded to chastize my brother's friend quite severely for the incident. My brother knowing who M was, was very embarrassed. I was for them as well. M then addressed me and said to play hard or go home. I went back to swimming.

I've since been able to follow his athletic career and read various interviews of him and have been able to glean other pearls of wisdom over the years. Everything I needed to know about life I learned from M and a Kenny Rogers song.

Privilege

2007-10-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

I've had to rethink my thoughts on this topic. I would previously had said any idea that there is privilege for one group over another is crazy. However, having had time to think about this I'd have to say that there really is. I look at what's happening in the world, in my world and I notice that people treat people differently based on the way they are judged for the groups they are part of. Some of these groups you can't help but be a part of, like I can't help that I am a woman or that I am white, I can help that I am a protestant though :). I can't help that these bastards did what they did and it will follow me forever. Forever now I will have to say that I went to that place, forever I will have to look at the broken pieces of what could have been, what should have been. However, there is a new day rising and everything will be fine. The biggest issue of course is that I have been labeled many times, negatively by people that have authority and can manage to use the privilege of that authority. It is my sincere hope that everyone will meet a fate acceptable to their crimes.

Violence

2007-10-27T18:40:00.000-07:00

I find myself feeling fortunate and unfortunate on this particular topic. I feel fortunate to be a survivor of the violence perpetrated against me, and yet this is also unfortunate. The unfortunate politics behind violence is that the abuser is always right, the abusee is always at fault and wrong. It seems ridiculous but this is what I noticed time and time again in my life as I tried to break the cycle and get free of the violence in my life. This is also true of every relationship I have with those that created the violence against me. The violence was done by people that politically speaking should have taken a different stance, but they went ahead and they did these things anyway. We find the stances on violence varies depending on the political circumstances. Deciding that genocide occurred in Armenia would piss off Turkey and is a bad political move. It's also not the place of congress but I leave that to my little roo to discuss. It is also bad politics to decide to go into Bosnia, which is why it took so long. Rwanda, which is why so many people died, and of course Iraq which is why that is now a quagmire. Politics and violence often go hand in hand, but who is really managing the other? No one seems to know and in the mean time the situation gets worse and worse. I know for my own life I will never be the same again, but what's a girl to do?

The Politics of Jewishness

2007-10-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

This is a strange, and I hope interesting post. Especially if you are a Jewish reader. Over the last two weeks I think I have been asked 40 times "Are you Jewish?" What does that question mean exactly? My initial thought is to say "Yes, through my maternal grandfather" this of course is the wrong answer as to the Jews I am not yet one of them. My second initial thought is to reply "I am who I am, are you Jewish?" and this is also the wrong answer because no one wants to answer the question, my final initial thought is to say "Fuck off" I don't usually give any of these answers. Half the time sensing the pulsating and ripe anti-semitism in the questioners tone I say "Yes I am, is there a problem?" and they usually back way down. Last time I was asked this I said "Why is there a test I need to take?" and the person said they were "Just wanting the information" what makes this question so difficult for me is that I have no doubts that Hitler would have killed me had I been alive for his "final solution". To a lot of people I am Jewish. This is inherently political. Being Jewish carries with it a whole political spectrum I had never before realized. I have loved and been loved greatly by many a Jewish man. I have been pulled out of the fires of hell by others, and yet I never really understood what this question means. "Are you Jewish" this could mean are you ethnically Jewish because you look like a Jew, sometimes it is used to ask if I am a Zionist, other times it is used to ascertain my religious beliefs (in this case I reply that I have no religion). Still other times it seems to be used to ascertain a bigger political picture than if I am a Zionist or not. I don't really care about the Zionists honestly, Israel is alive in the hearts of everyone who loves the people and it will continue to live on long after the enemies have died. Long after Iran is the Jewish Republic of Iran Israel will still be standing and the Iranians will be crying.

My grandfather felt decidedly un-Jewish and so I have been alienated until now to my Jewish heritage. I grew up doing the Chanukah parties and Passover seders with friends of mine, I went to I don't know how many Bar Mitzvahs although I have never been to a bat I understand they are all the same. I have always found Hebrew to be a lullaby to me, and this is still true to this day. As I was put to sleep last week after a rough day by my friend speaking Hebrew. I'm not sure that was his intended result, but perhaps it was since he always complains that I am up way too late to call. Is it my fault there are so many time zones between here and there? Not to mention Jewish time is totally different. I wonder about that too, when I am asked "Are you Jewish?" does it mean I was late? Does it mean I run on my own time zone? I mean I do, I am a New Yorker down to the last bone, and I do run on NY time, and if you don't know what that is I am sorry for you.

This is a very interesting and a very political question at its very core. I have decided to in general answer the question affirmatively. After all I have picked out my Jewish name. I have tried to call my other friend multiple times to apologize and to acknowledge when he told me in 1996 that I have a Jewish soul he knew me better than I knew myself. In many respects I am Jewish. This is a journey home for me, I have started it many a year ago and I hope that soon all these things will be right with the world again. I will be Jewish, my life will be back in order, the world will become a safe place etc.

I have always felt safest with Jewish people, anyone who knows me will know this is the truth. I have never done well in an area without many Jews with which to associate. I carry them with me wherever I go. Anywhere I go if Jewish people are there they will find me, and now I can introduce myself with my new name I guess. Maybe not, I'm not sure entirely how that process works. The truth is I am becoming more and more aware that clearly the answer is yes and I welcome that with all the political fallout that comes.

I think we shall make Jewish republics out of Syria and Iran.

Shavua Tov as abba would say, or good week to those of you not on my remedial level of Hebrew.

Rational Politics

2007-10-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

I tried to post on this topic the other day, but apparently it didn't take. I don't remember exactly what my point was in the original post, so please allow me to reintroduce the topic of rational politics. Rational politics came about as an inspired response to something a friend of mine said related to politics being rational, or irrational as the case may be. I responded to this comment by saying that there is nothing rational about politics, politics is extremely emotional and this is the first rule to success within the field. Politics, it is my opinion makes the world go round and if you have been reading my blog you can see why I would say that. Politics is the art of being able to manipulate emotions, not to be able to minimize or eliminate them. I love politics, and politics love me, in fact politics was my first love...my second love knows who he is, my 3rd love threw me out like a used tissue. My 4th love is lurking somewhere no doubt. You get the general idea. Politics also loves my 2nd love, so it is not a jealous creature, in fact both of us have been served well by our mutual love for politics and vice versa. If politics on the other hand, did not love us we would be in some real trouble. Politics that go bad can make all kinds of trouble for a person. Politics governers all areas of life, it keeps everyone in some kind of line, and these lines are not always rational.

One of my Israeli friends for example, the one who inspired this post is getting ready to do IDF duty. Likes to talk about how irrational the military is. The military doesn't get paid to be rational or to think, the military is paid to be the military and in most cases they do it well. This is true of the so-called Black Water incident as well that has people up in arms. Iraq is a combat zone, there are no "civilians" in a combat zone. History teaches us that, because in Viet Nam there were women with baby carriages blowing up the troops. Clearly civilians do not exist in a combat zone and we can't try to rationalize what Black Water should or should not have done. I for one am glad that I am not the one in the combat zone.

Until next time,
Malcot Israel

The Politics of Hatred

2007-10-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

What a topic for a Sabbath afternoon isn't it? I was struck by this last night as I've been examining myself and my own issues. I realized there is an entire political genre of hatred in the world and in the country. Watching the early debates and things related to the presidential election here in the US I was struck by the way hatred is invoked. I have also been struck by the way hatred has been invoked in my own personal life.

Globally speaking hatred is used for all sorts of things, it is used to perpetuate violence against my Jewish brothers in the Middle East, and my Arab brothers there as well, it is used to oppress my sisters in Africa, and my sisters in the Middle East and Asia. It is used to oppress children everywhere, and it is used to oppress men everywhere as well. My brothers really need a men's liberation movement whether they want to admit this or not.

What is it about hate that makes it such a powerful political force? I'm not sure, but I've noticed that this is a common occurrence and one that is quite disturbing. This hatred of the other and this desire to make others less than us. I saw a segment on CNN about the diamond mines and how some people stopped wearing diamonds in solidarity with the people, it seems hatred isn't as powerful as people think it is, but it certainly has quite a grip on the political scene.

I would like to challenge all of my readers to examine themselves and the political scene and destroy hatred wherever you find it. Together we really can make a better world.

Politics of the Insider

2007-10-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite activities is sitting around watching people in coffee shops. This is because you can learn a lot about people, but also about yourself or the world. People at this particular coffee shop sit around and talk about things, including the woman next to me who asked me how I like my Apple laptop. I had yesterday, a woman ask me why it was so much colder inside than outside and how people freak out about the blue laws here. I'd love to just have an office where I travel from coffee shop to coffee shop, that'd be awesome. I rarely visit this coffee shop because it's expensive and I'm just not into spending money with everything happening, maybe it's my political protest.

I'm trying to find ways to get to places where I can be myself and this is a place of intellectualism, I love it for that reason. This reminds me of some of the coffee shops in New York or Paris, or I've heard J-town or T-A. I can't wait to check out those places. This is also like some of the places in London that people meet and hang out. I guess it's a modern day pub of old.

This raises an interesting concept, last post I was talking about the politics of the outsider. What about the politics of the community? The politics of the insider if you will. This is just as dangerous as the politics of the outsider. I am an outsider, but soon enough that will change when I get my new name and my new life officially starts. At that point I will hopefully become an insider in my own life. What sorts of things will this mean? I'm not quite sure yet.

I imagine my life will be normal someday, and I'll have a dog or maybe two, except with the new breed of dog I want one can't have 2. So a dog, and an established life and everything will return to a sense of peace, calm and normalcy. It will be a political switch for me however, as I have had my eyes opened by this experience.

The Outsiders

2007-10-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

Every political system has an outsider. Although, I have somehow become an outsider in my own life. This has been a very strange experience. I feel as if I have been severed from myself, in many ways I suppose I have been. This journey that I am on is really a return to myself in many respects. I was excited to hear from the OU people that they think they have found a community for me. Apparently I am not as alone as I think I am, and I of course wrote my local community since the rabbi there has been very kind to me. I told him I'll send him the email 4 times if he doesn't answer me. I understand tradition is to ignore the first 3 attempts.

I've been an outsider my entire life, which makes this both interesting and uninteresting at the same time. I was born as an outsider, from the beginning I was not what was expected. My parents had been told I was a boy. I can just imagine the shock when they had a girl and 3 weeks early at that. To say nothing of the countless ways I have been a religious outsider and a spiritual outsider.

I was also an outsider I'd imagine as a wife/mother. I am hoping now that in this segment of my life I can finally move from being an outsider, or even a refugee into a different state of being. The book is almost finished, of course our story isn't over so it is difficult to decide how to put an ending to the book. I have a few ideas that I will try out and let abba read it and tell me what he thinks. I'm sure he'll have some comments, I just hope it doesn't completely flip him out considering the nature of the topics and my experiences. He's become my father, but he doesn't yet know everything about me. I know he can take it, but the whole idea of letting someone that close freaks me out. As always I am an outsider when it comes to trust issues.

I am writing my book under my new name. I chose my name with the advice of some others that know me. I find it to be a beautiful name and I am excited about having it. Naturally it's my secret name and if I love you I will tell you what it is, if I don't well...you can't use it either way unless we're in private or with others that know it. I don't want my name being corrupted again by the world.

Those of us outside the system seem to regularly stay outside of the system. It's kind of a frustrating situation. I am OK with being an outsider, but not in my own life. I am trying to find ways to be true to myself and to see myself where I am at and where I want to be. These are the only things that are important, if I am OK with myself everything else is secondary.

Politics of Family

2007-09-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

They say in Sicily women are as dangerous as shot guns. That's not really the full truth, the truth of the matter is that it depends on her role and how dangerous she wants to be, in some cases women are more dangerous than shot guns. This of course comes from our common heritage with those in the middle east that swept through and conquered us. It also comes from the traditional roles of women in the family.

The Sicilian family at least when it comes to women is somewhat limited in the roles that are played out. There is the wife, the daughter, the whore, and the darling. It is the darling that I fall into, and thankfully not the others. I'd much rather be the darling than the wife, the whore, or the daughter. Especially given what this particular set of society roles means and leads to. The darling is the best place to be. I realized this yesterday when the tears were flowing down my face and he was carrying on about the women in his life and I said funny you never treat me that way, better the darling than the whore since the whore is disposable. That earned me a smile, a nod, and a yes I told you that years ago. The reality is by playing the darling I purify him from his every day reality, and in many ways he needs me and loves me far more than I will ever need and love him. The beauty of us though is that whereas I love him as if he were my brother and I respect the power he holds in his hands enough not to ask questions (at least not too many and not about certain subjects), he loves me separately from these disposable women that ask too many questions and lose their heads.

In that regard I am afforded protected status so to speak, especially after yesterday's discussion. I have moved into the princessa status, course that is a natural transition given the many years we have known each other and the deference I grant him and vice versa. He denies me nothing, even my questions would be answered (I'd probably even keep my head if they were the wrong questions, but I choose not to enter that world) he always laughs when I refuse to ask things or discuss topics on the grounds that I wish to keep my head.

I broke my cardinal rule with him yesterday. I have tried up until this point to keep my relationship with him separate from other aspects of my life, I have tried to compartmentalize things in my non-protected world from the world I share with him, where I can do no wrong and anyone who crosses me finds himself outside. I have always maintained this difference for my own protection, for his, and just for the order of the universe. I have after all known him, and the way he behaves when it comes to me. I have known how vicious he can be, and how stealthy he can move in the night. He is after all one of my own brethren, we are much more alike than he cares to admit. We are much more alike than I care to admit, after all it is a fine line and I can walk over it just as easily as he can. For all of these reasons and more I have tried to live a different life when I am with him than when I am not with him.

Yesterday however aided by fatigue, illness, and my deep affections for him I broke my own rule. I laid everything at his feet, I wept, I became unglued. It was horrible undignified and I know men who probably would have spanked me for the spectacle as it was rather child like. So many aspects of my life have become child like lately, and the politics of the family have always been very good to me. I have maintained of course that keeping my life separated from him was the reason that the politics of the family were so good to me all these years, but the reality is that I was wrong and I had grossly misjudged him. I have always maintained in his presence that he is not the man that he thinks he is. He does what he must, but it is only because of our heritage that he is this way, he's not evil to the core or any of the things that he has confessed to me that he believes himself to be.

I have dutifully taken care of him in these moments, I have done my best to hold his hand (I am so good one wouldn't even realize how far away we are) through all sorts of terrible ordeals, without knowing the true nature of the situation (remember I like breathing so I don't ask). I have dutifully told him that it was the correct course of action whatever he had decided to do and that things would improve. I have wept with him, attempted to wipe the tears (even from this distance). I have made him who he is and I have fashioned out who he will be. This is after all my role as his darling. It is part of my responsibility as his darling to do these things and I've always taken this seriously. Even before I knew the full extent of who he is.

What I didn't realize is as his darling he has certain responsibilities to me, and I was so busy fulfilling mine to him that I neglected to consider the idea that he takes his to me just as seriously (if not more). It had never occurred to me that there were responsibilities to the darling. I had always felt that being the darling meant I was outside of his world and that I would never be in his space. He would come and go from mine as it were and we would talk, laugh, and leave things at that. Since I don't play the whore I don't have to worry about sexual issues or anything of that nature. I always felt a sense of relief about this, I had more control over the topics because I could choose to say I don't want to know about this or that. He would laugh and just change the subject.

Yesterday though, everything changed. I have never been able to refuse him anything, it is just part of the deference I grant him. I feel it's rude not to answer his questions, or to leave things at a distance where it comes to my world if he asks to be let in. I find this to be disconcerting of course but after all we are friends and I have consented to being the darling and as such I am the only non-disposable woman in his life. I love that status, and so I try not to push the envelope. So I was unglued and melting down and I could almost feel his hand on my cheek, lifting my face up to meet his when he asked me what happened. All I could do was continue to have my meltdown and explain it to him as best I could. I could tell he was less than thrilled, but he loves me what more was there to say? I could almost see him in the chair putting out his cigarette and sitting back slightly. I'm guessing a grin came to his face as he replied with, it'll all be OK I will take care of you and connect you. Destiny reached out and touched me yesterday, it is interesting as I am still outside the world in an innocent state and yet deeply connected to it now.

I have no doubts that things will stay the same, but I have no doubt that things are now entirely different between us. I have let him into the parts of myself that I didn't even know existed, the child side, the non-child side, the princess, the brat, all of me. He has now universally accepted me and this should make things interesting in the months and years to come. The beauty of it is that because I am the darling I can never be the whore, or anything else. I will remain here in this post for eternity.

2007-09-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

My dear friend in the valley and shadows around here has given me a beautiful welcome letter. I love that, almost as much as I love my new life that is blossoming. My newly found abba tells me that I am turning into a new person and I have to agree. It is largely his influence though, like my beloved he carries me when I can't walk and gives me guidance when I can't find my own voice. He's currently observing yom tov I believe or some such tradition. I am sure that I will hear from him shortly. My beloved has also been out of touch, but I am guessing that has to do with either work constraints or his children, seeing as he's not a religious man (much to my dismay, but perhaps he will change his ways).

My friend in Jerusalem gave me some information today on a conversion program, of course it requires that one be involved with a Jewish community for a year or more before one is accepted. I wonder how I will be able to pull that off seeing as there are no Jewish communities here and I am alone in no man's land. I'll have to ask abba what he thinks about that, I'm sure he'll have some advice. I did email the program and asked them about it as well.
The conservative rabbi here wants to meet with me, and a friend of mine suggested that I become a Reform rabbi...honestly neither appeals. Why do anything half way, and besides the only universally accepted conversions are Orthodox. I suppose I can still move under right of return since that has yet to be destroyed, but sooner or later that too will pass and anyway I can't prove my heritage.

This is a long journey home I am afraid, but I have assurances from everyone abroad that this will work itself out. So, as soon as the quagmire clears I will be safe in the arms of those that would always be there even to the deepest depths of hell. I was chatting with an Israeli friend of mine today who asked when I am moving, he wants to go clubbing. I told him that we will have to make arrangements for that, we're supposed to chat in an hour I think, but who knows if he will be around.

Until next time, my ethical dilema is keeping me awake, and I have yet to sort it out. Perhaps the time for wandering the desert is over and things can move forward. At least I know that I am not alone and I will always be loved.

2007-09-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

I find myself out of political musings for the moment. The reality is that I feel very uninspired to write much of anything these days. If and when something strikes my fancy I will be sure to create a new post to reflect that. For the moment I am taking a break.

Politics of Peace

2007-09-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

As we start a new year, I've had many prosperous things already start to happen to me. I will be away, and probably blogging for training the next few days. I will also be very busy getting accustomed to the tasks required for my new job. That will take a while no doubt, I also got accepted into a school I was looking at examining going to. Where there is death, destruction, and war all over my life right now, there is also a sense of peace. There is a deep sense of peace that is coming over the waters. This brings up an interesting point.

What is peace, how does one get there, and politically speaking what are the ramifications of peace? We are all aware of the political ramifications of patriarchy, I've been ravaged by it recently and perhaps at some point I will discuss that under the topic of sexual politics, but who talks about the politics of peace? I mean really talks about it.

Peace is not just an absence of war, or conflict, or insert some other stupid stuff here. Peace is a state of being, a state of justice, a way of operating that promotes the ways of the world that are positives and helps the world or the peaceful populations along. It is a state of blessing, it is not merely a day without a battle. So many people think that peace is just the absence of a conflict.

We should attempt to bring peace into the world at every opportunity. In doing this we will allow for the world to be a better place, for us to be better people, and for the Kingdom to arrive. It is only through random acts of kindness that the Spirit lives on. If we want to see the return of the people to God and of God to the people, then we must invite God back into the world. Peace after all comes from and returns to God, but it requires us to think a little harder.

The political ramifications of this of course would be that the government could spend more time focusing on things other than defense, the G8 for example could make some real progress on other humanitarian fronts. Drug companies could actually make drugs that help people and get them to the people that need them, without worrying about warlords, and in fact the warlords would be welcoming of the drugs and help hand them out. This is the ramification of putting peace into the universe.

Peace is an interesting political animal, I don't think we've ever seen it enforced, and we may never see it. Who knows what will happen in this new year. May it be peaceful and prosperous for all of us. I have a feeling this is a big year for me.

Economic Politics

2007-09-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

This is something that has an interesting phenomenon to it. Have you read the NY Times this week? It is filled with Econ related articles. From Pakistan training European terrorists, to the pain killers being banned in Sierra Leone. This is in fact what I'd like to comment on.

I think it is horrible that the rest of the world doesn't get to have the same resources we do here. For all the problems our society has, we can at least get the medications we need. I felt so bad for the people in that article. Health Care is a basic human right and as such we should either demote ourselves to their level or raise them up to ours. My vote is raise them up to ours. We need to actually sit down and come up with a solution to this, because right now those with the money get all the care. This is a fundamental problem and contributes to the rise of terrorism. See people don't think these things are related to each other, but they are. Life doesn't happen in isolation.

Politics in the US

2007-09-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

OK Politics in the US right now is of course focused on the election coming up NEXT YEAR. LATE next year at that rate. There's this massive move to move everything up though, I think this is stupid and I prefer the primary schedule as it had been previously. I also find the number of candidates to be incredibly annoying. There are so many candidates where is one to actually find ONE that is decent? Well, I have a friend running for president, she strikes me as more capable than any of these candidates, but if you must vote for one of the parties I'd say either Bill Richardson or Fred Thompson.

Bill Richardson seems to be the only democrat with the experience and knowledge to be president. He also seems to be the only one staying on message, not getting into character debates or other mudslinging, and he seems to be the only one who has priorities that are inline with what I think we should have.

Fred Thompson is running as a so-called Log Cabin president. History has shown that voters like this. He looks very presidential and he is running on a small-town southern sort of American platform, or so his announcement seemed to indicate. It seems to me that he will be giving everyone a run for their money on the Republican side.

I'm not wanting to get any deeper into this today and I've found some other articles that I want to talk about next time, so we'll see what's happening in the world then.

Politics as usual?

2007-09-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

If you read my old blog. I promised that this blog would have some political musings and that is true it certainly will have political musings as they come to me from wherever they come to. So this is the first political muse. The thing about politics is that they are in everything, honestly politics makes the world go round and nothing else is as powerful an influence. There are economic politics, sexual politics, religious politics, office politics, etc. We can't escape politics in any manner upon which we walk on the planet.

Politics of games how about that one? Have you ever noticed that on the chess board the most important piece is the queen? The king is almost like a pawn in what that piece can and can't do, but the queen is free to basically go anywhere on the board and loss of the queen usually results in loss of the game. This is an interesting commentary, since my experience as a woman is almost indeed the opposite of this.

My experience is that the politics of the game are closer to the way reality is and the truth if you will of what is happening on a broader level. I mean it is said that the man is head of the household, but that the woman is the neck and can turn him anyway she pleases. There's some truth to that, or at least there should be. However, this has really only come to my understanding since the ending of my marriage.

Oh, and there's another political arena, not just sexual politics, but the politics of marriage. I have never seen such a political state as that of marriage and for that matter divorce. What a strange combination of things that are put into play.

So I ask, politics as usual not as a commentary on politics in the political arena, but as a commentary on politics in the state of our every day lives. I think my next post will be on US politics, and then I'll move on to some other political topics that may be of interest. Including a project I am now working on with a friend of mine who works in international development.

2007-08-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

This is my first shalomy morning in a while. I am still feeling a little distressed about some things, but for the most part I feel a strange sense of calm and peace. I hope this is a step of things to come as I move along on this new journey into a new world and new life.

Alechiem

2007-08-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

Everyone, welcome to my new home in the blogosphere. It's been a long time coming I suppose. We all need a place to be. I hope you will enjoy whatever musings I decide to post here. Until I decide to post again.